Why do I always cut myself in such inconvenient places?

Why do I always cut myself in such inconvenient places?

So I don not know if it is the fact that I am kind of klutzy and uncoordinated or that I am constantly working with potentially hazardous items, but I cut myself a fair amount. It is not new I have come to grips with it over the coarse of my life. Here is the thing though. Whenever I cut myself it is always in the least convenient place on my body. Ok the second least convenient place. I never cut myself on my arm or my chest. It is always a place that is impossible to put a band aid on, like a knuckle or the very tip of my finger. And then you have to try to manipulate the Band aid with your one good hand while fixing the other. Really the best you can hope for is to bang your shin on something. Then the only downside (besides the gaping wound) is that sooner or later you will have to rip the band aid off along with most of you leg hair.

Even after you have the baindaid on you still have the issue of do I really need to wash my hands (Yes you do), and now the bandaid is all wet (I bet I could have held it for a couple more hours). That must be the allure of "cutting" at least when you are done you have something easy to bandage and keep dry. You defiantly do not see any angsty kids with cuts on there knuckles. Or the absolute worst the flap of skin between the thumb and the rest of the hand. I guess the human body is not really designed to have a flat piece of plastic stuck on it, but @ least I do not work in food service where they have to put latex finger condoms over any cuts, now that truly would be tragic.

Anyway, here is how Ive come to cope. First put on your triple anti-biotic goo, that is key. Now if it on the knuckle it is oh so tempting to just wrap it around (concentrically). That is wrong. Then when you bend the knuckle it squeezes and generally sucks. If you wrap it around at an angle (helicticaly) then it can still flex but is not stretching against it self and there is noting on the bottom to squeeze. If it is on the finger tip you have to go over the top, and if it is on the thumb flap... Well then you are just screwed.

How Is McDonald's So Damn Fast

How Is McDonald's So Damn Fast

(Why is Ronald McDonald so damn creepy)

So this morning on my way into work I decided to grab a breakfast sandwich at McDonald's on my way into work. The light at the intersection had just turned red as I turned into McDs. Amazingly they took my order, took my money, gave me change and gave me my sandwich all before the light changed and I beat the cars waiting at the light (suckers). Upon relaying my amazing story to Cara she informed me that she had gone to McDs for lunch and despite having 5 cars in front of her and a special order sandwich, was in and out of the drive through in less than 60 seconds.

Now I don't think that anyone is under the impression that McDonalds is going to provide them with a gourmet meal or even a fresh sandwich, but seriously there are certain laws of time and space that must apply. So the real question is what the hell is going on back there in the mysterious McDonalds kitchen. Aside from them using beef fat in their french fries and kangaroo meat in their hamburgers, both of which I am fine with.

I would like to think the secret is some sort of cross time communication system allowing them to communicate with customers in the near future and have their order ready before they even knew they wanted it. And by using this technology only for fast food purposes and not to save lives or win the lottery the time space continuum remains safe and Michale J Fox can still go "camping" with his high school girlfriend. Upon investigation my hopes were dashed to realize that it is in fact much less exciting, but still slightly exciting. It is basically a big assembly line churning out all of the components that will make your order uniform and identical, then once you get to the line they are (in a matter of seconds) assembled and bagged probably while you are fiddling with your wallet and change. Some of the more popular items are already made waiting for you to eat, but that is not all that exciting.

What is really interesting it what is holding up the process from going even faster, and the answer is you. You think you are pretty fast you know what you want you have your wallet out when you get to the window, but you are still the hold up. That is why they have 2 ordering lanes now and only 1 food lane. That's right it takes you twice as long to order as it does to do everything else. As far as all that fiddling with cash goes McDs would actually prefer you pay w/ credit card. It is faster so they do not have to worry about you holding up you line looking for a quarter, and they do not have to worry about their employees dealing with as much cash. In fact if you have a card with an embedded RFID tag you do not really have to interact with them at all, and really isn't that what you are going for.

But wait, there is one more thing, and this may just blow your mind. In the not so distant future your order may be taken over seas. So when you talk to the box your order will be sent around the world through the magic of "the Internet" punched into a computer and sent back around for someone to make it. Here I am paying someone in the US with a loose grasp of the English language minimum wage to take orders, when I could be paying someone in Jakarta with a loose grasp of the English language (Jakarta) Minimum wage to take the same order. Plus now they can take the place where the order takers used to stand and expand the bacteria lake, I mean ball pit.

So that is it there is really not any more time to shave unless the users can sped along somehow, I think Jesse Spano may have a speed hookup. But do not be deceived, this is not limited to McDonalds, although they have been pioneers. All manner of businesses will be trying to speed you out the door, grocery stores, gas stations, sit down restaurants, even retail stores. Because in reality the less time you are there the more schmos they can churn through the doors, and the more money they can make.

Thank you come again.

An open letter to TV

An open letter to TV

TV,

I know that we have had some hard times recently. I know that we have both made some mistakes, but I am here in front of you this Valentines day asking you to take me back. I think we had something really special and I think we can have that again. I have said some things these past couple months, and I know I can take any of that back, but I also know you have it in your heart to forgive me. Remember all the good times we had. Remember the season of ER where Mark Green had cancer, we made it through that. Remember when Seinfield had to wear the puffy shirt, or when that prankster OJ pretended he couldn't fit his hand in that glove, or that time Janet Jackson flashed us all. We have had some good times, and I know that there are more good times where those came from.

I know that it has always bothered you when I have ignored some of the nice things that you have done for me, but I am telling you today that I can change. I have been watching lost since you have been gone and I am almost halfway through. If you came back today I know that you would see that I am a changed man. I will even try to overlook the things that you have done that you are not so proud of. I know that you were nieve when you gave Tyra a talk show, and that you were probably drunk when you let the last 4 seasons of the real world air (lord knows the cast was). It is easy to get caught up in the moment, and I am telling you now that they don't mean a thing, and I am not ashamed of you. I am willing to look at what you have done as a whole and not just your momentary indiscretions.

And I have something for you, not a bribe, just something to show you how much I appreciate you, no conditions. Its an external HD for your PVR. I hope that we can use it together to archive all of the memories that we will build in the future. All the good times that I know are to come if you just come back to me. Just think what could happen on How I Met Your Mother, or The Office, or Dexter. The possibilities are endless with the foundations we have built. Last time I watched 30 Rock I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. You have really opened my eyes to all sorts of interesting characters and to the intriguing stories.

Anyway, I am not going to dwell, I just wanted to drop you a note to let you know I miss you, and no matter what well always have the Sopranos.

John

And Cara just so you don't think I forgot about you I made you a mix micro SD chip w/ all of your favorite songs, and then a bunch of other crap. Thats right Dwight D Eisenhower marvel at our technology that allows us to put 100 old timey LP albums onto something the size of your dime. They actually have an 8GB micro SD now... Crazy. Anyway I ♥ U Cara and wish you a very merry V-day.

5 Misconceptions Perpetuated by Disney Movies

5 Misconceptions Perpetuated by Disney Movies

1) You are not a Princess. I know your parents always told you that you were a princess. Well it turns out they were lying to you. The mere fact that you have been acting like a princess makes you... kind of self centered and precocious, and generally oblivious to the world around you. In fact if we were all princesses and princes, the world would kind of suck. There needs to be a balance of princesses, and subjects, and at last count that ratio was about 10,000,000:1. Additionally, as it were being a princess is not all taffeta and fairy godmothers, it probably involves a lot more pointless ceremonies and being hounded by the paparazzi. So in fact you have not even been acting like a princess, just kind of spoiled.

2) Midgets and woodland creatures do not want to be your friends. While it would certainly be cool, in reality coming up to either and talking in a cutesy voice will probably get you bitten at worst and head butted in the balls at best. I'm sure that midgets would make excellent friends. However, you should probably be weary if they are living in a cabin together working out of a diamond mine. My perception is that miners and loaners living in the woods might have something other than the best interests in mind for the young lady who wanders into their cabin. As for woodland creatures they mostly eat and sleep, they are not fond of humans, and I have yet to see any singing or helping with chores in a well choreographed manner.

3) You should probably get to know that handsome man before you get married. Sure he did just wake you from an endless sleep with the power of his kiss, but what do you really know about him. Do you have any common interests? Does he expect you to take his last name? How does he feel about kids or your pet raccoon? It seems like there is so much you don't know... but he sure is pretty... It seems like this is where mandatory marital counseling comes in. Because, as it turns out, a lot of the time those pretty boys are kind of dicks, and that is not really going to workout well with your princess lifestyle. And here is another blow to that commitment you make in the wake of this tumultuous time of your life, most relationships formed out of traumatic events do not last. Sorry to bring you down from the high of killing the evil witch and escaping the dragon. If you are in such a hurry to get together with this guy, may I at least suggest a vacation together, or the Amazing Race. That seems to be just the venue to test your questionable relationship in front of a television audience.

4) No one is going to magic away your problems. I have had a rough time or 2 in my life, and do you no what helped... Fairy Godmother, No, Magic Rug, No again, Wizard Pal, Sorry... Usually I just had to deal with it my self. It helps tremendously if you have friends around who can lend a thought or hand (♂) / sympathetic ear (♀), but in the end it is your responsibility to gird up your loins and muddle through your issues as best you can. Sometimes they will get better, sometimes they will get worse, but at least you will be in control, and really all that magic would have done for you is helped you out of a jam. If you had not learned anything from it you would never really grow up, never really learn anything. You would still be using magic to solve simple arithmetic, or to cook your food, or to transport yourself to work. Ok so that last one would be pretty cool.

5) There is no happily ever after. Happiness is fleeting, and life is filled with ups and downs. Without adversity you would never really know what happiness was, and even in happiness there is adversity. Yes, on the 2-dimentional screen it all seems pretty clear, but we humans are complex beings with deep desires and personalities built on tragic loss, and triumphant victory, deep sadness, and overwhelming joy. In the end happiness is fleeting, that is if you are sitting still it will move on without you, and if you aren't going after it, it will leave without you. Or maybe you are happy all the time, never tested with hardship or adversity, maybe you are the 2-dimentional character living happily ever after in your own world, in which case... I'm sorry you are a princess.

Observations on the Cold

Observations on the Cold
by John Gutzmer

Did you know there is no such thing as "the cold"? Its true! There is heat and heat can be moved around, but there is always heat (baring scary laser experiments), and there is no opposite of heat. OK, OK, before you get your panties in a knot let me clarify. Cold is a perfectly acceptable adjective to describe something that is not hot, or how you feel, but it is not a noun unless it is something you catch from children and dispose of in a kleenex. You may disagree, that is fine as long as you realize you are wrong. In fact, it is talked about pretty regularly between Oct and Mar. Why? Because it sucks. So as long as we are on the subject here our my observations on "The Cold"

Why dont they plow our neighborhood? I think our neighbor pissed off the street dept.
I really think we are always the absolute last street to get plowed. Maybe I just have high expectations from when we used to live next to the Urbana Township shed and our street was always the first to get plowed, and the street sweeper went by twice a day. Lately it has even been days after the storm when the plows finally came. One of our neighbors used to work for the city, and is kindof a bitch. It is really entirely possible that she pissed someone off, and now there is some sort of long standing grudge. Fortunately enough people have pickups and SUVs that they carve some pretty substantial ruts in the road that I can follow.

Thunder sleet and ice fog have been the typical weather for the last few days. So who pissed off God? Because those are not normal things. Perhaps God was equally as bored with the super bowl and decided to stir things up a little. Or the X-Men are undergoing some covert opp in Central Illinois and Storm rolled in the crazy weather to cover things up. Whatever it was, when confronted with these again in the future here are some helpful hints. Perhaps ultra dense ice fog is not the best time to go for a jog, in shorts, Without Any Reflective Clothing, IN THE STREET. I know you are dedicated to running, but perhaps you could double up tomorrow, or go to the armory. Either way better than me almost taking out the entire Centenial HS Cross Country Team. You guys are welcome for me not killing you all.

Gutzmer's winter driving tips
1) Slow the fuck down. I know where ever you are from (SE Asia / Texas) you do not see much snow and ice. Welcome to Illinois. Just because it is crappy outside does not mean you are confined to your house. You can still make it to the grocery store or to pick up your kids, but you should probably plan double the time it normally takes and keep it slow. It should be easy every one else is doing it just follow them (not too closely).
2) Don't slow down. Yes that contradicts #1. Let me clarify. If you are going less than 5 it is a lot easier to get stuck in a deeper patch of snow than if you are going 20. Your car is heavy, and a little speed will give it enough momentum to get through those snowy spots, especially if your neighborhood for whatever reason is not getting plowed. On the other hand your car has a lot of momentum. If you are going more than 30 hopefully you are carefully evaluating the road conditions and what is around you that you are about to hit. Basically if you skid at 5 you will probably come to an immediate stop, 20 you will probably correct yourself or get stuck in a snowbank, 40 you will likely get at least one spin possibly hitting whatever is near by, 60 is anybody's game possibly flip your car and or hit something harder than you want to.
3) Stop driving in the middle of the road. I understand it looks like the safest place, but that only holds true if there is not someone barreling down on you. The lane lines may be blurred, but you know pretty much where you should be. If you are afraid of the snow you should not have come out.
4) If you are scared of the snow you should not have come out. Did you really need to anyway. Probably not. Really, if you don't have to go somewhere why are you. Save it for tomorrow, or whenever it becomes a necessity. The roads are only getting better, as long as there are not 50 jackasses tooling around for no reason.
5) If you have a big 4x4 truck, congratulations. All those months of 12-14MPG have finally paid off. This is it. This is your time to shine. Strap on that snow plow and get your ass over to my house to plow my driveway. I will even throw you some cash.

I hate shoveling, which as weird because for something I hate so much I sure do a hell of a lot of it. We have a modest sized driveway, and yet I always feel like some old man after I finish shoveling. More over that is usually only half of the driveway (I like to break it up). The real problem lies in the fact that our driveway faces due west. So regardless of how much snow accumulates our driveway always has a drift that piles against our garage door 3 times as deep as anywhere else. This last time I tried to put up a make shift snow fence to encourage the snow to drift somewhere else, but for once the snow was blowing a different direction so the jury is still out on that one. My other thoughts are a snow blower or salamander, but Cara does not seem to be too interested in either... Oh Well.

Ohhh, my freakin eyes are killing me. I put 12 Gal of water through our humidifier and I don't think it even made a dent. That's not counting all the breathing and the dryer. I might as well be living in the desert. I guess until spring I will go for the eyedrops and make the best of it. Oh and if you have an electric dryer you should definately get a dryer diverter from Menards. In the winter you can flip a little trap over and it pumps all that delightfully warm humid air into your house instead of out into the cold, and as an added bonus you are not sucking the cold air in from the outside to replace what you are blowing out. If you want to get really fancy they also have a water trap to catch any lint evasive enough to make it through you dryer.

Well, now that I am done complaining about the cold it is up to 42, and last night to round out the ridiculous weather thunder storms. At least everything has come full circle. On the bright side it should be back down in the 20s by the end of the week. So I may have one last chance for ice skating on the lake and using my ridiculous semi-truck telescoping ice scraper before spring. In fact there could be another ice storm or hail fog. Welcome to Central Illinois here are your ear muffs.

Superman Time Travel 5 Paragraph Rant

Superman Time Travel 5 Paragraph Rant

Occasionally there are things that happen in movies that are so unbelievably ridiculous that one just wants to stand up in middle of the theater and say this is bull shit. I'm talking about the really egregious violations of reality, the crimes against physics, math, and common intuition. I am willing to let a lot slide, under the guise of science fiction (if superman can fly who knows what he can do), and I am willing to let even more go unchecked chalking it up to the poor production values of modern cinema (see honey I shrunk the kids). However, sometimes it just goes to far, takes too many liberties, and violates the very trust on which hundreds of years of cinema have been built. It is only for the inexcusable examples that I reserve the 5 Paragraph Rant.

In "Superman the Movie" we learn many things about Superman, including where he came from, his humble beginnings, his alter ego, and his ability to reverse time. While time travel is something that has been continually debated in the scientific world for many years, and even achieved for small particles in controlled environments, the time travel as illustrated in this example is not only physically impossible, but also holds several moral and cosmological ramifications, that superman's ill conceived actions wrought on the people of Earth and indeed the universe.

The science of science fiction has always been convoluted at best and completely inaccurate at worst, but there is a general agreement that the basic laws of the universe still exist. In addition to giving the audience a common frame of reference it also makes filming easier, as the filming presumably takes place in our universe. Building on the common universe are typically uncommon exceptions, that need no explanation. Excellent examples of these are Superman can fly, and shoot lasers out of his eyes. There is no explanation required except that it is a work of fiction. Now, at then end of the movie, Superman starts recklessly speeding around the Earth in order to reverse the direction of its spin. He is not actually touching the Earth. He is not really even in the atmosphere. In reality flying around the earth really quickly would probably do nothing at all and if it did to anything it would probably just disrupt the weather patterns and cause several hurricanes. Let's assume for a moment that whatever field that allows Superman to fly could be expanded to include the Earth, thus allowing him to directly influence its inertia without any direct interaction. Why not? Now as he speeds around the Earth it can change direction (irrevocably altering its orbit, the seasons and climate), but the trillions of gallons of water in the ocean keeps going in its initial direction. The massive tsunami would wash over entire continents killing billions. Fortunately, Lois Lane is in the desert in NV, so she will probably be spared. Well, clearly that did not happen in the movie so we will assume that Superman anticipated all of these problems as well as the massive sheer forces that would cause unparalleled earthquakes and volcanic eruptions, and also anticipated the problems with the Earths magnetic field. Presumably Superman would have solved all of these problems with something unimportant to the plot, possibly the speed with which Issac Newton was spinning in his grave counteracted these other issues. It is after all science fiction, which brings us to...

Time travel has been dealt with extensively in science fiction as well as in the various disciplines of cosmology and particle physics. There are two exciting prospects for time travel. First, because of the curvature of space it is theoretical possible that "tunnels" in space could exist, and with some relativistic gravitational magic one end of the wormhole could be in the past. On the bright side it would also be some where very far away (billions of light years), and it is likely that going through the wormhole would rip you into carne asada later to be sold to Taco Bell... But in the past". The other option involves particle physics and it turns out is pretty boring. Of course with all of the physics and discussion about time travel one thing is universally agreed upon by scientist and Delorian owner alike. Reversing the spin of the Earth will have absolutely no effect on the progression of time locally or universally... NONE. In fact the very idea that doing anything to the Earth will change the nature of time is so egocentric that it should make one angry that it is even considered in the movie. In fact in 1992 (late 1992) even the pontiff agreed that the earth is not the center of the universe. So why reversing the spin of the Earth would cause time to reverse, is such and infuriating question that any further discussion may just cause my head to explode. Which brings us to...

The moral implications of reversing time, are a deep and troubling question indeed. Who knows what effects going back even 20 min, and changing history could have. Will the change spawn a new universe parallel but flawed just enough that it will eventually spiral into destruction. Perhaps the change will put a irreversible tear in the time space continuum destined to doom us all. The reality of it is that no one knows what potentially horrible pitfalls lie in the unknown field of time travel. So what great injustice necessitated the potentially disastrous reversal of time. HIS GIRLFRIEND DIED! While, sad for him, this is certainly no grounds for upending time and space, no less for your own personal gain. As long as time was reversed he could have prevented any one of a number of genocides or horrible injustices, but I guess he was too busy pulling some rocks off of his girlfriend. The true injustice is that no one really liked Lois Lane. She was kind of whiny, overeager, and always seems to be getting in trouble, but in death she could have been the great motivation for the man of steel to help humanity. In death she could have been the depth and anguish that this one dimensional character was missing. However in life she pretty much goes right back to her generally unlikable self except Superman uses his magic kisses (roofies) to erase her memory.

In conclusion, this is one of the most ridiculous abuses of science and one of the most egregious abuses of a super power in recent memory. Even the bad guys abuse there power on a grander scale worthy of super villain status. This is an entirely unnecessary sequence in which we learn that superman is nothing more than a child when it comes to accepting and morning the loss of a loved one. Unfortunately, due to the strange rays of our yellow sun, he is able to traverse time, lift up tectonic plates (yep that is in there too), and erase peoples memory by kissing them. This grants him the opportunity to turn any tale of trial and loss into a picture perfect Disney ending that will leave our children unprepared for their future, but that is another rant.

Folding Laundry

Folding Laundry

(Why has technology failed me yet again)

We've really come along way in the last 100 years of clothes washing. It may surprise you to know that as recently as 50 years ago people were washing clothes by hand, BY HAND. and 100 years ago people were still using lakes and streams. Yet like most technology there has been an enormous amount of innovation in the last 10 - 15 years. Front load high efficiency washers with soil sensors that know how dirty your clothes are. Driers, static cling sheets, fabric softener, magic stain erasing pens. So why is it that on a Wed night I am standing in front of a mountain of clothes that completely covers my dresser 3 ft deep, and is dangerously close to losing its epic battle with gravity and avalanche downward destroying the towns people below as in so many disaster movies (no actual towns people were killed in the writing of this article).

Sure if I would have been dutifully folding, after each load of laundry, I would not be faced with this momentous task, but like so many of you, I AM LAZY. So now I have a couple hours of folding to do not to mention the putting away, and I am asking myself, Why is there not some machine that can fold laundry. We have machines to fold everything else from paper to steel. How did laundry miss out on the folding revolution. And as I continued folding I pondered the drawbacks to laundry folding and how humanity might concur them.

First, there is the columnating. The big pile is not exactly conducive to just dumping in a machine with spinning wheels and gears that would no doubt rip to shreds my already deteriorating circa 1991 Vaurnet T-shirt. This could go 2 ways. The easiest solution is to say you would have to flatten and stack your own clothes. Once they are stacked feed them into the machine and you will be presented with a neat pile of folded clothes. That could work but really whats the point. Why am I compromising with this machine. I thought we were in charge of the machines (except the terminator, if there are any terminators reading, All hail the machine overlords / please don't kill me).

We will have to work on the columnating. Perhaps some sort of progressing stretching and flattening system. I'm sure that would be great for all of Cara's delicates.

As I continue folding it occurs to me that not all clothes are created equal. OK all of my clothes are pretty much the same, basic T-shirt with different length arms and different thickness maybe a button at the top. However, once I've picked the low hanging fruit from the laundry pile, the socks and undershirts, sweatshirts and jeans, I come to Cara's shirts. Each one with its own unique characteristics that make it more difficult to fold than the last. This one has a 24in neck. That one has bell bottom arms. This one appears to be made out of some sort of paper mache'. (perhaps that is why she does not look like she just rolled out of bed wearing the same thing she had on yesterday, maybe in a different color). As the folding becomes more challenging, culminating with her puffy vest that I equate to trying to fold a marshmallow, I realize no machine could handle this diversity. It would either need some fantastic AI, or more likely a fold your own damn weird laundry chute (labeled as such). In fairness perhaps she did not want some of those folded in the first place.

This brings us to the final obstacle, sorting the clothes. While it would be awesome, even if the folder could spit out shirt after shirt perfectly folded and pressed, they would still be in a big random pile. If you are like me, and I hope you are, you put your clothes away in some sort of orderly groupings T-shirts, sweat shirts, Bill Cosby sweaters, there has to be some order to your closet or how can there be order in the universe. And the perfectly folded random pile will require almost as much work to sort and organize as the folding. This is where the collator comes in. Photo copiers have been collating for years. It should not be a giant leap to collate my clothes. sort them by thickness for me, by color for Cara, even by length. Better yet if it collated them into a rack you would not even have to put them away. You could just pull them from the collating rack where they would sit neatly folded until you walked up and pulled your zuba pants from the pile right where you left them. Now if I can just get a machine to dress me, that would be an accomplishment.

Outsourcing Comedy

Outsourcing Comedy

(The Next British Invasion)

Well I am about sick of the writers strike, and I am not taking sides, but (OK I am taking sides, just give the writers some more $$$ so I can watch 30 Rock, anyway) we are going to have to learn to cope with this new bland lifeless existence without anything good to watch. But wait... there is another, This may be just the chance the British have been looking for to get us to start watching their shows. What if there was a show that was just like the office, but british. What is that... The Office is a remake of a British sitcom... the hell you say. Maybe there is a new hope on the horizon. The UK is a bleak dreary land where the sun rarely shines and it is always cold and rainy, so what better to do than become a comedy writer. It is kind of like Canada, but with crappier food.


So aside from the office what do they have that might interest you? Well, if you are an HBO fan you have probably already seen Extras, which is the hilarious quasi biographical creation of Ricky Gervais (The Office guy). Then there are the movies. I first watched Shaun of the Dead a couple of years ago. I was apprehensive at first, but as it turns out the British are funny, and we both have the same taste in drinks and comedy... Dry. It is about the best dry zombie comedy you will find.

What else?.. Well, after I enjoyed Shawn of the Dead so much pretty much everyone I know started telling me that I would love "Hot Fuzz". I was initially very apprehensive of the name. It really sounded like it might be a poorly made gay porn at best or a movie adaptation of Reno911 at worst. It turned out to be hilarious. The first 20 minutes did not seem to have a single joke, and yet I was laughing the whole time. It turns out that the British have this whole dry wit thing down to a science, and it is not the horrible british humor that you used to know, with police man chasing a goose around... OK it does have that, but it is funny this time I swear.


So where am I going with all of this.


Here's the thing remember 15 years ago when Japanese cars started coming on the market, and no one though they would sell, because what self respecting American would drive a "Toyota". Remember 5 years ago when no one thought they would have the nerve to move call centers to India because no one would understand them. Well guess what network executives and Hollywood producers. If you are not willing to bring a quality product to the market, there is someone else who will, and they have been tyring to find something besides wool to sell us for years. What you are not worried because they have no means of distribution. Well this should be exciting news for you. There is this think called the internet now, and even if you don't have the internet my TV gets 700 channels, I don't' know what half of them are, but I am sure there is one of them that would love to pick up an edgy new English comedy. In these tumultuous times of writer strikes and globalization England may be the saviour of entertainment. Do you realize how many new reality shows are coming out each season(≈10), and how many of them suck (90%). So, while the big 4 networks (yes I count ABC) battle it out to see who can churn out the most crappy new reality TV series this season, Britain will still be working to create new and interesting shows. These shows will be purchased by HBO or Showtime and sold to me. In the mean time writers are on strike because they are getting paid $0.00 to provide a service to their employers (internet content), and the 9th season of americas top model is just getting underway. I guess we will have to look to England to find something creative for us to sit in our underwear and stare blankly at. I guess that will make us even for that whole WWII thing

28 Days Trilogy Review

28 Days Trilogy

(A Mixed Review)

The 28 Days trilogy is a rollercoster of gorey sometimes emotional zombie killing and rehab.
The original 28days took place primarily in the pre-zombie world looking at one woman's struggle with alcholism and addiction while going through a court mandated rehab program, and while there is not specific mention of zombies, the main character is clearly slipping deeper and deeper into the grips of the zombie virus, as she slowly spirals toward the inevitable... complete zombification. Sandra Bullock's performance as a mindless Zombie is surprisingly belivable. More so in fact than than many of her other roles. Her acting portrays the cold lifeless zombie mentality more than many others I have seen. It was defiantly easier to believe her as a zombie than as an FBI agent or someone capable of driving a bus. In the end zombie Sandra Bullock accepts that she has a problem and is released from the facility. This is the first of many teeth clenching moments of dramatic irony in the trilogy, when it would have been so easy to stop the spread of the zombie virus. But alas, Sandra Bullock is allowed to roam free and the stage for the second movie is set.

28 Days Later picks up the story as the Sandra Bullock Zombie virus has been mutated in monkeys for study. The mutated virus takes effect very quickly compared to the painful 103 minutes that it took in the original it now just takes about 15 Seconds. In addition the new virus, instead of causing its victims to crave alcohol, causes them to crave delicious delicious brains. The PETA crusaders in their infinite wisdom, and after being warned that these were zombie monkeys (important for the trial), release the monkeys who promptly bite the PETA crusaders, turning them into PETA crusader zombies (just when you thought there was nothing worse).

Now the zombie action can start, and the are not the slow listless zombies of yester year. They are fast. Some of them can even run without falling down all the time. So we meet our protagonist who meets up w/ the zombie resistance (2 people) and later with a really creepy British family. Of coarse that may be just a normal British family. Some of them get killed and eventually find the military hold outs in some sort of a castle. Now for the weird part... Yes the zombies were not the weird part. The military guys are keeping a zombie as a pet, and ... They plan to repopulate the world by raping these girls. Which brings us to our fist lesson. One, zombies don't make good pets, and two no one likes a rapist, even zombies. So the zombie pet escapes and pretty much kills them all with about as much gore and eye gouging as the rapists deserved from the morally conservative zombies. The protagonist and 2 girls escape and are eventually rescued by... lets say the Americans (Flying circa 1965 jets). On the bright side it appears that the virus with its very short incubation rate has been confined to England. Now as long as we nuke the whole island and never speak of it again all should be right with the world. Right?

28 Weeks later is where I start getting angry. Again this is a whole new cast. Presumably because no one from 28 days later was willing to go back to zombie infested England. Yes that's right the premise of this movie is that they are going back to recolonize england and clean up the zombie carcases. More good news the zombie threat level is low enough to start bringing families in. now despite being explicitly told not to go into the zombie zone 2 kids really want their game boy or something and decide to go back to their old house. The easily sneak by the military guards and retrieve their things... and their mom. The mom is only partially zombified and instead of just shooting the lot of them (I grant no quarter to zombie sympathizers) they bring them all back to the safe zone. surprise 15 min later zombies are on the loose again. fortunately this time the military is everywhere. Snipers and ground troops take out a lot of the zombies, and then, the smartest thing anyone has done, the OIC decides to napalm the whole area including civilians. Some of the military personnel are shocked, but really when you are dealing with a zombie infection that could spread throughout the world you should not take any chances. A sniper and doctor find the son of the zombie mom and realize that he too is partially immune. The then in possibly the worst decision ever decide that they must get this kid out of the zombie area for study. Bypassing all quarantine and reason they convince a helicopter pilot to take them directly to France. Thus completing the cycle of stupidity and infecting all of Eurasia. At least Paris was the first to go, I assume they surrendered peacefully.

Over all I would give the trilogy a B-, with each movie getting slightly better than the previous one. Perhaps "Another 28 months later" will be B+ worthy. An aside on zombies, If you are in the military and faced with a nationwide zombie attack. you should really give everyone you can a gun. I have yet to see a zombie use a gun. so you can continue killing zombies until you get zombified and then the gun is basically taken out of service. That should really be made into some roadside gunssavelives.com signs that I keep seeing.

"When zombies attack"

"You'll know what to pack"

"A Colt 44"

"Means Zombies no more"

"www.Gunssavelives.com"

TV Chores

TV Chores

Well its Monday night so I guess it is time to do the chores. Take out the trash, load the dishwasher, throw in a load of laundry, oh and watch Heroes. Yeah, I know I know it seems like you just watched Heroes, but there is another one, a new one, and you have already invested so much time you can't quit now. Don't get me wrong I used to love Heroes back when it was all about people discovering their cool new powers and using them to prevent a catastrophe in a fast paced (sometime edge of your chair) thrill ride. Every episode left you wondering what will happen next, @ least for me.

This season they have tried to really delve deeper into the characters personalities. As it turned out, I didn't care. Then there are the new characters, who quite frankly, are lame. Each one with a power and matching accent that is more infuriating than the one before. Ability to kill people with your eyes = subtitled Spanish, Indestructible morally questionable samurai = Somehow British (PS stop ripping off other peoples powers), Quick learner = worst Cajun accent I have ever heard, Electricity = Ditzy Veronica Mars (way to break that typecast). As far as I can see none of these powers, with the exception of the rehashed indestructible cheerleader, are any better than a good old fashioned handgun. Sure shooting lightening is pretty cool, but is it really any more deadly than actually shooting someone. At least the gun lets you pinpoint who you kill which is much better than the evil black contact lenses that just kill whoever happens to be around. Plus, the gun does not talk which is much better than listening to your horrible impersonation of what impoverished black people from New Orleans sound like, or worse subtitles.

Which brings me to... Reading. Don't get me wrong I love reading, and surprisngly I read a fair amount. Articles, magazines, technical papers, Humerous blogs, occasionally even a novel, but when I am watching tv I would prefer if the would just tell me what they are saying. I know that NBC is sneakily trying to work spanish into all of there shows to glean some market share from our hispanic population, but why all the other stuff. Japanese, Hatian, Jibberish, It's just so much reading, which at the very least, is distracting from whats happening on screne.

I guess there is not much you can do. It happens to all of my favorite shows eventually part of the slow decline in any shows lifespan going from groundbreaking to intresting, to lackluster, to boring / repeditive, to canceled. Hey remember ER wasn't that a great show. What it is still on... Huh. What about Lost? Is anybody still really intrested in that? And the 4400, that was a good one. Some decline more quickly than others, but the end is all the same. At least the Sopranos went out in a blaze of glory, not really at the top of their game but while I was still intrested. Some shows you may continue watching long past their prime just out of a sense of commitment or nostalga, but sooner or later you realize that your favorite show is just a shell of its former self, withering slowly like your favorite grandparent. Now it is more of a chore to watch it than anything else, and like your chores you try to put it off (DVR), and try to avoid it, but it is not going to watch it self. So sit you butt down and watch your shows, or no dessert. Thats right you heard me.