Almost Good Eats

Almost Good Eats

If you are one of my many (4) faithful blog readers then I’m sure you have noticed a large number of food related blogs, and if you know me at all you know I am a little (lot) obsessed with Good Eats on Food Network. If you have never seen it, you don’t know what you have been missing out on. The shows focus on a single food item and consist of 50% science, 50% history, and 50% cooking (it is a power packed 30 min). If you have seen the show then you have probably realized that most of my cooking blogs are either loosely or directly based on good eats episodes.

Recently I have decided that there are enough of these that they probably deserve their own blog with just the food, and without all of this baby jibber jabber. On this new blog hopefully you will join me for my delicious triumphs, and horrible disasters.
So please enjoy…

Almost Good Eats

My 10 Favorite (Inaccurate) Plot Devices (1 of 2)

My 10 Favorite (Inaccurate) Plot Devices (1 of 2)

As I watch Die Hard for the 20th time or so it strike me how little reality comes out of Hollywood, and what is worse is it seems like the more realistic they try to make things the further off they get. Now, I don't want to be that guy behind you at the theater who is always saying things like "That would never really happen!", or "Geez I don't know how they let that slip through". So to avoid the unplesantness of hearing me say "geez" I will sumarize them here and then sit in quiet smugness everytime they come around.

10) Newborn Babies are Cute Cudely and Surprisingly Unslimy

Worst Offenders:

Lost, ER, any show where there is a power outage in an elevator

Nothing makes for a good dramatic moment like birthing a baby. It is a very tense situation with lots of screaming, anything could and if you are on screen probably will go wrong. Then at the end you have created... LIFE (tada). The problem is that newborn babies are not very photogenic. In fact, they are kindof disgusting, and as Americans we do not really want anything to do with the disgusting miracle of life. So as an industry TV and movies have decided to sanitize the whole process (maybe that is what all of that boiling water).

Warning! Disguisting facts of childbirth to folow...

follow links @ your own risk

Babies are housed in a sack full of amniotic fluid. At the end of th pregnancy this fluid consists primarily of the amniotic fluid that the baby has been drinking and peeing back into the womb, in addition there are some floaty things that hare been sittin in there for ~30 weeks, and sometimes even some meconium (you don't want to know). So there is about a pint of that and unlike the clear water that always lands on peoples shoes on the screen, in reality it is probably more like the used oil from your fry vat (ok my fry vat).

Then there is the actual birth w/ generally more of the same as well as a a good chance that the mother may evacuate their bowels a little, and lets say a 31% chance that they will have an Episiotomy (again you don't want to know). Then when it is all done the cut the umbilical cord a couple inches from the baby and secure it w/ a tiny chip clip, a little blood shoots out (really the least disgusting part). They suck some of the fluid out of the babies airway, and viola. Pan to the happy mother holding her beutifully pink perfically formed pristine baby. It all makes perfect sence, and as an added bonus the audience will not be heading to the bathroom to throw up... ahhh miricle of life.

Oh wait, now you get to deliver the placenta. Which will be substantially easier, but possibly even more disgusting. Fortunatly, we have already cut to comercial, and can leave that to the professionals.

And while we are on the subject:

Did you know that the rough trip through the birth canal can often leave the babies head looking kind of funny. Maybe a cone or maybe some other potato shape. Dont worry it will round out eventually everything is still pretty soft, and it does not really hurt them any, but just so you know. By the way all of this is really considering nothing goes wrong, this is just the normal level of bodily fluids that you get to deal with in the ob ward.

9) Any Computer File Can fit on a 3.5 Floppy disk

Worst Offenders:

The Net, Mission Impossible, James Bonds

I think if you have touched a computer in the last 10 years you know that this is simply not true. In fact most people have not even touched a floppy disk in 5 years. But for some reason they are still a mainstay in movies. Maybe it is the iconic nature of the floppy disk or the fact that movie producers do not actually use computers except for porn which is suprisingly floppy free, but there seems to be a substantial disconnect between what will fit on a floppy and what people put on floppies in movies.

Some things will certianly still fit on a floppy disk, there are many small items that could easily reside on the large disk that holds about .1% of what is on the memory chip in your camera. Encription keys, text files, phone numbers, even some, word documents, should all fit nicely. The list of things that cannot fit on a floppy include EVERYTHING ELSE. A single MP3 would take 4 floppies, a small video would take 20, even a single picture on a newer camera would take 2 floppies. The plans to youre secret evil lair would presumably take several floppies.

In addition to all of these shortcomings, the floppy disks actually break fairly easily. They are highly suseptible to water, bending, dirt, being crushed, and magnets. That last one should not be a big concern unless you are Magneto. So even after you bypassed the gaurds, defeated the security system, picked the lock, and rendevoused with the submarine there is a 50/50 chance that when you popped the disk into your apple 2E that you would get a whooping [segmentation fault].

And while we are on the subject:
Floppies are slooow, and I mean painfully slow. To fill them with your relativly small amount of data can take minutes or longer, not a good practice for someone who is being shot at or trying to avoid the guards. I remember when software used to be distributed on floppies sometimes 10-20 floppies and you would have to sit at the computer for hours painfully swapping disks on command, but at least then I was not hovering on some sort of chamber suspended from cables. Now that really would have been painful.

8) Bad guys suck at shooting (all of them) also they like to get shot

Worst Offenders:

Rambo, Clear & Present Danger, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Rambos

This is one of the most unfortunate coincidenses in TV and cinima, since typical bad guys spend so much time with firearms. Whether it be guarding a door, or defending their compound from a single renegade soldier, they will always have a gun. I bet it is at those points when they first hear the helicopters coming that they wish they had spent some small quantity of time at the firing range, but it is too late now. Harrison ford is running directly toward you and you could not hit the froad side of the barn. All you can do is close your eyes and shoot wildly... And now he is punching me. Could this day be any worse.

Now granted shooting stuff is harder than it seems (see #7), but if you have 100+ guys shooting at 1 guy with automatic weapons someone is going to hit him even if it is an accident. even if you were aiming at something else in the protagonist general vicinity there is a decent chance you will accidently miss what you are aiming for and kill him. Maybe in an even more menhical plot the evil overlord has given his men all blanks, so that... uhm. OK so bad guys just suck at shooting, but why do they keep getting shot.

Bad guys like to get shot. Maybe it is in their contract that if they take a bullet in the "evil" line of duty their family gets some awesome settelment, or if they don't die they get a big bonus. Whatever it is, the evil henchman are practically lining up to get shot. They cannot get enough of it. They don't bother hiding behind things, or shielding themselves in any way. $300 for a bullet proof vest thats crazy. Besides what are the odds that in my line of work Angelina Jolie will be busting the door down guns blazing. "What shes here now? How did she find our evil lair?" the worse news it that the more henchmen you have the more they will such at shooting an dwant to get shot. You should really downsize and invest ina decent training program.

And while we are on the subject:

7) Good guys can shoot anything no matter how far away

Worst offenders:

Fist full of dolars, Robin Hood, Rambos

This is really the converse of the bad guys suck at shooting, but it seems like good guys are great at shooting. If you need to shoot a rope from 500+ yards away call Clint Eastwood, if you need to shoot 2 guys at once with a bow and arrow, call Kevin Costner. It really dosen't matter what the weapon or what the target. Your protagonist should be able to hit it with precision accuracy, and then say something cool to boot.

Unfortunatly, from the small amount of shooting I have done it is not as easy as it seems. In fact it is pretty hard they even have competitions for it, and even if John McClane is a competitive shooter in his off time there are still things that substantially increase the diffuculty. for one if you are excited or out of breath holding something perfectly still at arms length gets substantially harder. That whole biatholon they have in the winter is based on this. Olimpic athelets ski around then shoot at stuff, and guess what even the good ones miss some of the targets. These are presumably people who are training every day.

If the target is moving it can be difficult to shoot. By the time you have your gun in position to start the aiming process it is probably gone. If it is moving in a path where p''(t) is not a constant, forget about it. Fortunatly most bad guys will just stand there menacingly ready to be shot. Take your time, take a few tries they are not going anywhere.

Finally pistols are not the prefered weapon for shooting things that are more than 20ft away. They are kind of nice if you need something protable because they are short, BUT because they are short they cannot really get the hig muzzle velocity, or the full effect of the rifling, and bullet stabilization. All this adds up to bullets that even when fired perfectly will not go as far and will not be as precise, but they do look pretty cool.

While we are on the subject:

Usually, when you shoot electrical devices like switches to open doors, they will not turn on enabling you to use your gun like a universal remote. They will probably just break, because they were not designed to be shot. Also if you shoot metal things there is a decent chance that the bullets will fly back and hit you, which I guess makes sence, because at least if the bad guys cannot shoot you you can accidently shoot yourself.

6) Everything blows up (most of all cars)

Worst Offenders:

Die Hards, Rambos,

Like most things on this list, this may surprise you. You have seen so many things explode on TV that you kind of take it for granted that the day to day things theat we all interact with on a regular basis are literaly (correct use) ticking time bombs. Your TV, your stove, chandeler, stop light, boats, planes, trains, tractor trailers, all waiting in the sidelines ready to kill you if you bump them too hard, or God forbid if a bullet hits them, and your car, your car is the worst one. From what I have seen anything could make your car explode in a enourmous fireball, killing everyone in a 20 yard radius.

In general the rules are: If you are in an accident you have until you are rescued + 15 seconds to run and possilby jump into the air as the car explodes violently, If you are not rescued you have about 20 seconds, if your car is shot if will blow up imediatly, and spectacularly.The thing is in this world many things are flamable some are even highly flamible, but virtually nothing we come into contact with on a daily basis is explosive.

It turns out that even the things that we count on to explode only do so under controled circumstances. Gasoline loves to burn and be careful with it, because it can really burn you. but it you have some out on the groung and toss a match all you will really get is a big woosh. Diesel and jet fuel are even less flamible to the point of if you trew a match into a pool of diesel it may just go out. Really the only things that explode violently are... explosives (C4, dynomite, ANFO).

Movie Exec1: "Everyone likes explosions in movies, but as producers how can we make more stuff explode"

Movie Exec2: "Maybe for the coarse of this movie we asume that everything is full of nitroglycerin"

Movie Exec1: "That works for me!"

Even less surprising is that there are 10s of thousands of people in the world whos only job is to make the things that you deal with safer and less likely to explode. The UL, National Safety Board, even the manufacturers really don't like it when their items explode and kill people.

And while we are on the subject:

Bullets do not ignite anything. Lead is typicaly known for its ability to hit things without sparking. That is why you may see lead hammers around. They are a soft metal that will deform when hit and will not spark. They do make incendiary bullets, but unless you woke up in the morning expecting to need to shoot some gas tanks to blow up a fuel depot, then you probably did not buy them... moving on.

An open letter to TV

An open letter to TV

TV,

I know that we have had some hard times recently. I know that we have both made some mistakes, but I am here in front of you this Valentines day asking you to take me back. I think we had something really special and I think we can have that again. I have said some things these past couple months, and I know I can take any of that back, but I also know you have it in your heart to forgive me. Remember all the good times we had. Remember the season of ER where Mark Green had cancer, we made it through that. Remember when Seinfield had to wear the puffy shirt, or when that prankster OJ pretended he couldn't fit his hand in that glove, or that time Janet Jackson flashed us all. We have had some good times, and I know that there are more good times where those came from.

I know that it has always bothered you when I have ignored some of the nice things that you have done for me, but I am telling you today that I can change. I have been watching lost since you have been gone and I am almost halfway through. If you came back today I know that you would see that I am a changed man. I will even try to overlook the things that you have done that you are not so proud of. I know that you were nieve when you gave Tyra a talk show, and that you were probably drunk when you let the last 4 seasons of the real world air (lord knows the cast was). It is easy to get caught up in the moment, and I am telling you now that they don't mean a thing, and I am not ashamed of you. I am willing to look at what you have done as a whole and not just your momentary indiscretions.

And I have something for you, not a bribe, just something to show you how much I appreciate you, no conditions. Its an external HD for your PVR. I hope that we can use it together to archive all of the memories that we will build in the future. All the good times that I know are to come if you just come back to me. Just think what could happen on How I Met Your Mother, or The Office, or Dexter. The possibilities are endless with the foundations we have built. Last time I watched 30 Rock I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. You have really opened my eyes to all sorts of interesting characters and to the intriguing stories.

Anyway, I am not going to dwell, I just wanted to drop you a note to let you know I miss you, and no matter what well always have the Sopranos.

John

And Cara just so you don't think I forgot about you I made you a mix micro SD chip w/ all of your favorite songs, and then a bunch of other crap. Thats right Dwight D Eisenhower marvel at our technology that allows us to put 100 old timey LP albums onto something the size of your dime. They actually have an 8GB micro SD now... Crazy. Anyway I ♥ U Cara and wish you a very merry V-day.

Outsourcing Comedy

Outsourcing Comedy

(The Next British Invasion)

Well I am about sick of the writers strike, and I am not taking sides, but (OK I am taking sides, just give the writers some more $$$ so I can watch 30 Rock, anyway) we are going to have to learn to cope with this new bland lifeless existence without anything good to watch. But wait... there is another, This may be just the chance the British have been looking for to get us to start watching their shows. What if there was a show that was just like the office, but british. What is that... The Office is a remake of a British sitcom... the hell you say. Maybe there is a new hope on the horizon. The UK is a bleak dreary land where the sun rarely shines and it is always cold and rainy, so what better to do than become a comedy writer. It is kind of like Canada, but with crappier food.


So aside from the office what do they have that might interest you? Well, if you are an HBO fan you have probably already seen Extras, which is the hilarious quasi biographical creation of Ricky Gervais (The Office guy). Then there are the movies. I first watched Shaun of the Dead a couple of years ago. I was apprehensive at first, but as it turns out the British are funny, and we both have the same taste in drinks and comedy... Dry. It is about the best dry zombie comedy you will find.

What else?.. Well, after I enjoyed Shawn of the Dead so much pretty much everyone I know started telling me that I would love "Hot Fuzz". I was initially very apprehensive of the name. It really sounded like it might be a poorly made gay porn at best or a movie adaptation of Reno911 at worst. It turned out to be hilarious. The first 20 minutes did not seem to have a single joke, and yet I was laughing the whole time. It turns out that the British have this whole dry wit thing down to a science, and it is not the horrible british humor that you used to know, with police man chasing a goose around... OK it does have that, but it is funny this time I swear.


So where am I going with all of this.


Here's the thing remember 15 years ago when Japanese cars started coming on the market, and no one though they would sell, because what self respecting American would drive a "Toyota". Remember 5 years ago when no one thought they would have the nerve to move call centers to India because no one would understand them. Well guess what network executives and Hollywood producers. If you are not willing to bring a quality product to the market, there is someone else who will, and they have been tyring to find something besides wool to sell us for years. What you are not worried because they have no means of distribution. Well this should be exciting news for you. There is this think called the internet now, and even if you don't have the internet my TV gets 700 channels, I don't' know what half of them are, but I am sure there is one of them that would love to pick up an edgy new English comedy. In these tumultuous times of writer strikes and globalization England may be the saviour of entertainment. Do you realize how many new reality shows are coming out each season(≈10), and how many of them suck (90%). So, while the big 4 networks (yes I count ABC) battle it out to see who can churn out the most crappy new reality TV series this season, Britain will still be working to create new and interesting shows. These shows will be purchased by HBO or Showtime and sold to me. In the mean time writers are on strike because they are getting paid $0.00 to provide a service to their employers (internet content), and the 9th season of americas top model is just getting underway. I guess we will have to look to England to find something creative for us to sit in our underwear and stare blankly at. I guess that will make us even for that whole WWII thing

TV Chores

TV Chores

Well its Monday night so I guess it is time to do the chores. Take out the trash, load the dishwasher, throw in a load of laundry, oh and watch Heroes. Yeah, I know I know it seems like you just watched Heroes, but there is another one, a new one, and you have already invested so much time you can't quit now. Don't get me wrong I used to love Heroes back when it was all about people discovering their cool new powers and using them to prevent a catastrophe in a fast paced (sometime edge of your chair) thrill ride. Every episode left you wondering what will happen next, @ least for me.

This season they have tried to really delve deeper into the characters personalities. As it turned out, I didn't care. Then there are the new characters, who quite frankly, are lame. Each one with a power and matching accent that is more infuriating than the one before. Ability to kill people with your eyes = subtitled Spanish, Indestructible morally questionable samurai = Somehow British (PS stop ripping off other peoples powers), Quick learner = worst Cajun accent I have ever heard, Electricity = Ditzy Veronica Mars (way to break that typecast). As far as I can see none of these powers, with the exception of the rehashed indestructible cheerleader, are any better than a good old fashioned handgun. Sure shooting lightening is pretty cool, but is it really any more deadly than actually shooting someone. At least the gun lets you pinpoint who you kill which is much better than the evil black contact lenses that just kill whoever happens to be around. Plus, the gun does not talk which is much better than listening to your horrible impersonation of what impoverished black people from New Orleans sound like, or worse subtitles.

Which brings me to... Reading. Don't get me wrong I love reading, and surprisngly I read a fair amount. Articles, magazines, technical papers, Humerous blogs, occasionally even a novel, but when I am watching tv I would prefer if the would just tell me what they are saying. I know that NBC is sneakily trying to work spanish into all of there shows to glean some market share from our hispanic population, but why all the other stuff. Japanese, Hatian, Jibberish, It's just so much reading, which at the very least, is distracting from whats happening on screne.

I guess there is not much you can do. It happens to all of my favorite shows eventually part of the slow decline in any shows lifespan going from groundbreaking to intresting, to lackluster, to boring / repeditive, to canceled. Hey remember ER wasn't that a great show. What it is still on... Huh. What about Lost? Is anybody still really intrested in that? And the 4400, that was a good one. Some decline more quickly than others, but the end is all the same. At least the Sopranos went out in a blaze of glory, not really at the top of their game but while I was still intrested. Some shows you may continue watching long past their prime just out of a sense of commitment or nostalga, but sooner or later you realize that your favorite show is just a shell of its former self, withering slowly like your favorite grandparent. Now it is more of a chore to watch it than anything else, and like your chores you try to put it off (DVR), and try to avoid it, but it is not going to watch it self. So sit you butt down and watch your shows, or no dessert. Thats right you heard me.