I Dream in 16:9

I Dream in 16:9

Last night I had an interesting dream…

It started with me in a helicopter. I was throwing Guerillas out of the back of the helicopter. Then 2 of them grabbed me and threw me out. Fortunately, I landed in 18th century England. Unfortunately, I was in a sword fight with Angelina Jolie. She was pretty good, but she was also quite pregnant which helped me out. At one point we stopped to have some tea (as they do in England I assume). She put a half shot of gin into her tea, despite my objections. The sword fight continued and eventually I lost. The dream closed with Oasis “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” (alarm clock version).

The interesting part is that the dream me checked the IMDB for my dream. It had some Italian title (I don’t know Italian), and it received 6/10 stars (that’s fair). Here is my vague recollection of what it looked like:

Buono, il brutto, il cattivo, Il

Overview:

Director: John Gutzmer
Writer: John Gutzmer


Plot: Series of short clips pieced together into a story to clear the mind of thought and process information into long term memory.

.

.

Cast:
John Gutzmer ... Himself

Angelina Jolie ... English Matron

Goof: In the Helicopter scene John is seen throwing people out of one side of the helicopter, and in the next shot it is the other side of the helicopter.

Trivia: John Gutzmer’s bed is made of individually wrapped springs with a 2” layer of memory foam. In the winter a down comforter is added
DrX27: The AMA does not consider sword fighting an acceptable activity for pregnant women

Jefferys42: The AMA also suggests not drinking during pregnancy (clearly this dream is not AMA approved)

DreamWeaver98: During the 3rd trimester small quantities of alcohol have been shown to have little effect on developing babies. The real problem is why would anyone ever put gin in tea. That is just disgusting.

DrX27: Dreamweaver, is an idi0t. Alcohol can have an effect on babies throughout pregnancy and half an ounce of hard alcohol is too much. The third Trimester is important for prenatal neural development, and alcohol can significantly effect that.

Hef2020: I think you guys are missing the fact that this was a horrible dream. The plot did not make sense, the characters actions did not make sense, the time traveling was not explained nor was the sword fight… WORST DREAM EVER.

DreamWeaver98: The real danger here is the sword fighting. The drinking is also dangerous but really secondary to the sharp blades flying near the baby.

Smokingbabe77: Meet hot singles in your area at http://www.meetsinglesn0w.com/

UberUder: This was certainly a horrible dream, but by no means the worst dream ever… Have you seen Jim Gladstones “mime cops”? That had no redeeming qualities whatsoever. At least this had Angelina Jolie.


So what “dream interpretation” can I get form this:
1) I have probably been looking at too much imdb
2) I should probably avoid Angelina Jolie… and swords
3) I should probably stop putting gin in my tea.
I also appreciated that my dream contained not only a flame war, but an advertisement. I need to spend some time away from computers.

Cloverfield live review

Cloverfield live review

Hey rememeber how crappy blair witch project was...
Well cloverfield is 2 leat 5 times as horrible.
Yes that is right I am exactly 23:36 into the movie and i have almost puked twice.
seriously this is the worst thig I can ever seen. Cut shots of random crap...
That is the best part of the movie.
then there is all of the first person camera evcuation....
I think I am going t puke...
PS we all realized like 20 min ago that HUD the main characters name is the name ofa Japanese movie characers name.... bleh

ok now I am going t throw up... cut shots and rapid camera angles. Yeah, just like Blair witch, excetpt horrible. Dood this it the worst thing have ever seen...
Well it is 34 min in and I am giving up... Ill leave the rest of these suckers watching the movie ... I am going to bed L8R

My 10 Favorite (Inaccurate) Plot Devices (1 of 2)

My 10 Favorite (Inaccurate) Plot Devices (1 of 2)

As I watch Die Hard for the 20th time or so it strike me how little reality comes out of Hollywood, and what is worse is it seems like the more realistic they try to make things the further off they get. Now, I don't want to be that guy behind you at the theater who is always saying things like "That would never really happen!", or "Geez I don't know how they let that slip through". So to avoid the unplesantness of hearing me say "geez" I will sumarize them here and then sit in quiet smugness everytime they come around.

10) Newborn Babies are Cute Cudely and Surprisingly Unslimy

Worst Offenders:

Lost, ER, any show where there is a power outage in an elevator

Nothing makes for a good dramatic moment like birthing a baby. It is a very tense situation with lots of screaming, anything could and if you are on screen probably will go wrong. Then at the end you have created... LIFE (tada). The problem is that newborn babies are not very photogenic. In fact, they are kindof disgusting, and as Americans we do not really want anything to do with the disgusting miracle of life. So as an industry TV and movies have decided to sanitize the whole process (maybe that is what all of that boiling water).

Warning! Disguisting facts of childbirth to folow...

follow links @ your own risk

Babies are housed in a sack full of amniotic fluid. At the end of th pregnancy this fluid consists primarily of the amniotic fluid that the baby has been drinking and peeing back into the womb, in addition there are some floaty things that hare been sittin in there for ~30 weeks, and sometimes even some meconium (you don't want to know). So there is about a pint of that and unlike the clear water that always lands on peoples shoes on the screen, in reality it is probably more like the used oil from your fry vat (ok my fry vat).

Then there is the actual birth w/ generally more of the same as well as a a good chance that the mother may evacuate their bowels a little, and lets say a 31% chance that they will have an Episiotomy (again you don't want to know). Then when it is all done the cut the umbilical cord a couple inches from the baby and secure it w/ a tiny chip clip, a little blood shoots out (really the least disgusting part). They suck some of the fluid out of the babies airway, and viola. Pan to the happy mother holding her beutifully pink perfically formed pristine baby. It all makes perfect sence, and as an added bonus the audience will not be heading to the bathroom to throw up... ahhh miricle of life.

Oh wait, now you get to deliver the placenta. Which will be substantially easier, but possibly even more disgusting. Fortunatly, we have already cut to comercial, and can leave that to the professionals.

And while we are on the subject:

Did you know that the rough trip through the birth canal can often leave the babies head looking kind of funny. Maybe a cone or maybe some other potato shape. Dont worry it will round out eventually everything is still pretty soft, and it does not really hurt them any, but just so you know. By the way all of this is really considering nothing goes wrong, this is just the normal level of bodily fluids that you get to deal with in the ob ward.

9) Any Computer File Can fit on a 3.5 Floppy disk

Worst Offenders:

The Net, Mission Impossible, James Bonds

I think if you have touched a computer in the last 10 years you know that this is simply not true. In fact most people have not even touched a floppy disk in 5 years. But for some reason they are still a mainstay in movies. Maybe it is the iconic nature of the floppy disk or the fact that movie producers do not actually use computers except for porn which is suprisingly floppy free, but there seems to be a substantial disconnect between what will fit on a floppy and what people put on floppies in movies.

Some things will certianly still fit on a floppy disk, there are many small items that could easily reside on the large disk that holds about .1% of what is on the memory chip in your camera. Encription keys, text files, phone numbers, even some, word documents, should all fit nicely. The list of things that cannot fit on a floppy include EVERYTHING ELSE. A single MP3 would take 4 floppies, a small video would take 20, even a single picture on a newer camera would take 2 floppies. The plans to youre secret evil lair would presumably take several floppies.

In addition to all of these shortcomings, the floppy disks actually break fairly easily. They are highly suseptible to water, bending, dirt, being crushed, and magnets. That last one should not be a big concern unless you are Magneto. So even after you bypassed the gaurds, defeated the security system, picked the lock, and rendevoused with the submarine there is a 50/50 chance that when you popped the disk into your apple 2E that you would get a whooping [segmentation fault].

And while we are on the subject:
Floppies are slooow, and I mean painfully slow. To fill them with your relativly small amount of data can take minutes or longer, not a good practice for someone who is being shot at or trying to avoid the guards. I remember when software used to be distributed on floppies sometimes 10-20 floppies and you would have to sit at the computer for hours painfully swapping disks on command, but at least then I was not hovering on some sort of chamber suspended from cables. Now that really would have been painful.

8) Bad guys suck at shooting (all of them) also they like to get shot

Worst Offenders:

Rambo, Clear & Present Danger, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Rambos

This is one of the most unfortunate coincidenses in TV and cinima, since typical bad guys spend so much time with firearms. Whether it be guarding a door, or defending their compound from a single renegade soldier, they will always have a gun. I bet it is at those points when they first hear the helicopters coming that they wish they had spent some small quantity of time at the firing range, but it is too late now. Harrison ford is running directly toward you and you could not hit the froad side of the barn. All you can do is close your eyes and shoot wildly... And now he is punching me. Could this day be any worse.

Now granted shooting stuff is harder than it seems (see #7), but if you have 100+ guys shooting at 1 guy with automatic weapons someone is going to hit him even if it is an accident. even if you were aiming at something else in the protagonist general vicinity there is a decent chance you will accidently miss what you are aiming for and kill him. Maybe in an even more menhical plot the evil overlord has given his men all blanks, so that... uhm. OK so bad guys just suck at shooting, but why do they keep getting shot.

Bad guys like to get shot. Maybe it is in their contract that if they take a bullet in the "evil" line of duty their family gets some awesome settelment, or if they don't die they get a big bonus. Whatever it is, the evil henchman are practically lining up to get shot. They cannot get enough of it. They don't bother hiding behind things, or shielding themselves in any way. $300 for a bullet proof vest thats crazy. Besides what are the odds that in my line of work Angelina Jolie will be busting the door down guns blazing. "What shes here now? How did she find our evil lair?" the worse news it that the more henchmen you have the more they will such at shooting an dwant to get shot. You should really downsize and invest ina decent training program.

And while we are on the subject:

7) Good guys can shoot anything no matter how far away

Worst offenders:

Fist full of dolars, Robin Hood, Rambos

This is really the converse of the bad guys suck at shooting, but it seems like good guys are great at shooting. If you need to shoot a rope from 500+ yards away call Clint Eastwood, if you need to shoot 2 guys at once with a bow and arrow, call Kevin Costner. It really dosen't matter what the weapon or what the target. Your protagonist should be able to hit it with precision accuracy, and then say something cool to boot.

Unfortunatly, from the small amount of shooting I have done it is not as easy as it seems. In fact it is pretty hard they even have competitions for it, and even if John McClane is a competitive shooter in his off time there are still things that substantially increase the diffuculty. for one if you are excited or out of breath holding something perfectly still at arms length gets substantially harder. That whole biatholon they have in the winter is based on this. Olimpic athelets ski around then shoot at stuff, and guess what even the good ones miss some of the targets. These are presumably people who are training every day.

If the target is moving it can be difficult to shoot. By the time you have your gun in position to start the aiming process it is probably gone. If it is moving in a path where p''(t) is not a constant, forget about it. Fortunatly most bad guys will just stand there menacingly ready to be shot. Take your time, take a few tries they are not going anywhere.

Finally pistols are not the prefered weapon for shooting things that are more than 20ft away. They are kind of nice if you need something protable because they are short, BUT because they are short they cannot really get the hig muzzle velocity, or the full effect of the rifling, and bullet stabilization. All this adds up to bullets that even when fired perfectly will not go as far and will not be as precise, but they do look pretty cool.

While we are on the subject:

Usually, when you shoot electrical devices like switches to open doors, they will not turn on enabling you to use your gun like a universal remote. They will probably just break, because they were not designed to be shot. Also if you shoot metal things there is a decent chance that the bullets will fly back and hit you, which I guess makes sence, because at least if the bad guys cannot shoot you you can accidently shoot yourself.

6) Everything blows up (most of all cars)

Worst Offenders:

Die Hards, Rambos,

Like most things on this list, this may surprise you. You have seen so many things explode on TV that you kind of take it for granted that the day to day things theat we all interact with on a regular basis are literaly (correct use) ticking time bombs. Your TV, your stove, chandeler, stop light, boats, planes, trains, tractor trailers, all waiting in the sidelines ready to kill you if you bump them too hard, or God forbid if a bullet hits them, and your car, your car is the worst one. From what I have seen anything could make your car explode in a enourmous fireball, killing everyone in a 20 yard radius.

In general the rules are: If you are in an accident you have until you are rescued + 15 seconds to run and possilby jump into the air as the car explodes violently, If you are not rescued you have about 20 seconds, if your car is shot if will blow up imediatly, and spectacularly.The thing is in this world many things are flamable some are even highly flamible, but virtually nothing we come into contact with on a daily basis is explosive.

It turns out that even the things that we count on to explode only do so under controled circumstances. Gasoline loves to burn and be careful with it, because it can really burn you. but it you have some out on the groung and toss a match all you will really get is a big woosh. Diesel and jet fuel are even less flamible to the point of if you trew a match into a pool of diesel it may just go out. Really the only things that explode violently are... explosives (C4, dynomite, ANFO).

Movie Exec1: "Everyone likes explosions in movies, but as producers how can we make more stuff explode"

Movie Exec2: "Maybe for the coarse of this movie we asume that everything is full of nitroglycerin"

Movie Exec1: "That works for me!"

Even less surprising is that there are 10s of thousands of people in the world whos only job is to make the things that you deal with safer and less likely to explode. The UL, National Safety Board, even the manufacturers really don't like it when their items explode and kill people.

And while we are on the subject:

Bullets do not ignite anything. Lead is typicaly known for its ability to hit things without sparking. That is why you may see lead hammers around. They are a soft metal that will deform when hit and will not spark. They do make incendiary bullets, but unless you woke up in the morning expecting to need to shoot some gas tanks to blow up a fuel depot, then you probably did not buy them... moving on.

5 Misconceptions Perpetuated by Disney Movies

5 Misconceptions Perpetuated by Disney Movies

1) You are not a Princess. I know your parents always told you that you were a princess. Well it turns out they were lying to you. The mere fact that you have been acting like a princess makes you... kind of self centered and precocious, and generally oblivious to the world around you. In fact if we were all princesses and princes, the world would kind of suck. There needs to be a balance of princesses, and subjects, and at last count that ratio was about 10,000,000:1. Additionally, as it were being a princess is not all taffeta and fairy godmothers, it probably involves a lot more pointless ceremonies and being hounded by the paparazzi. So in fact you have not even been acting like a princess, just kind of spoiled.

2) Midgets and woodland creatures do not want to be your friends. While it would certainly be cool, in reality coming up to either and talking in a cutesy voice will probably get you bitten at worst and head butted in the balls at best. I'm sure that midgets would make excellent friends. However, you should probably be weary if they are living in a cabin together working out of a diamond mine. My perception is that miners and loaners living in the woods might have something other than the best interests in mind for the young lady who wanders into their cabin. As for woodland creatures they mostly eat and sleep, they are not fond of humans, and I have yet to see any singing or helping with chores in a well choreographed manner.

3) You should probably get to know that handsome man before you get married. Sure he did just wake you from an endless sleep with the power of his kiss, but what do you really know about him. Do you have any common interests? Does he expect you to take his last name? How does he feel about kids or your pet raccoon? It seems like there is so much you don't know... but he sure is pretty... It seems like this is where mandatory marital counseling comes in. Because, as it turns out, a lot of the time those pretty boys are kind of dicks, and that is not really going to workout well with your princess lifestyle. And here is another blow to that commitment you make in the wake of this tumultuous time of your life, most relationships formed out of traumatic events do not last. Sorry to bring you down from the high of killing the evil witch and escaping the dragon. If you are in such a hurry to get together with this guy, may I at least suggest a vacation together, or the Amazing Race. That seems to be just the venue to test your questionable relationship in front of a television audience.

4) No one is going to magic away your problems. I have had a rough time or 2 in my life, and do you no what helped... Fairy Godmother, No, Magic Rug, No again, Wizard Pal, Sorry... Usually I just had to deal with it my self. It helps tremendously if you have friends around who can lend a thought or hand (♂) / sympathetic ear (♀), but in the end it is your responsibility to gird up your loins and muddle through your issues as best you can. Sometimes they will get better, sometimes they will get worse, but at least you will be in control, and really all that magic would have done for you is helped you out of a jam. If you had not learned anything from it you would never really grow up, never really learn anything. You would still be using magic to solve simple arithmetic, or to cook your food, or to transport yourself to work. Ok so that last one would be pretty cool.

5) There is no happily ever after. Happiness is fleeting, and life is filled with ups and downs. Without adversity you would never really know what happiness was, and even in happiness there is adversity. Yes, on the 2-dimentional screen it all seems pretty clear, but we humans are complex beings with deep desires and personalities built on tragic loss, and triumphant victory, deep sadness, and overwhelming joy. In the end happiness is fleeting, that is if you are sitting still it will move on without you, and if you aren't going after it, it will leave without you. Or maybe you are happy all the time, never tested with hardship or adversity, maybe you are the 2-dimentional character living happily ever after in your own world, in which case... I'm sorry you are a princess.

Outsourcing Comedy

Outsourcing Comedy

(The Next British Invasion)

Well I am about sick of the writers strike, and I am not taking sides, but (OK I am taking sides, just give the writers some more $$$ so I can watch 30 Rock, anyway) we are going to have to learn to cope with this new bland lifeless existence without anything good to watch. But wait... there is another, This may be just the chance the British have been looking for to get us to start watching their shows. What if there was a show that was just like the office, but british. What is that... The Office is a remake of a British sitcom... the hell you say. Maybe there is a new hope on the horizon. The UK is a bleak dreary land where the sun rarely shines and it is always cold and rainy, so what better to do than become a comedy writer. It is kind of like Canada, but with crappier food.


So aside from the office what do they have that might interest you? Well, if you are an HBO fan you have probably already seen Extras, which is the hilarious quasi biographical creation of Ricky Gervais (The Office guy). Then there are the movies. I first watched Shaun of the Dead a couple of years ago. I was apprehensive at first, but as it turns out the British are funny, and we both have the same taste in drinks and comedy... Dry. It is about the best dry zombie comedy you will find.

What else?.. Well, after I enjoyed Shawn of the Dead so much pretty much everyone I know started telling me that I would love "Hot Fuzz". I was initially very apprehensive of the name. It really sounded like it might be a poorly made gay porn at best or a movie adaptation of Reno911 at worst. It turned out to be hilarious. The first 20 minutes did not seem to have a single joke, and yet I was laughing the whole time. It turns out that the British have this whole dry wit thing down to a science, and it is not the horrible british humor that you used to know, with police man chasing a goose around... OK it does have that, but it is funny this time I swear.


So where am I going with all of this.


Here's the thing remember 15 years ago when Japanese cars started coming on the market, and no one though they would sell, because what self respecting American would drive a "Toyota". Remember 5 years ago when no one thought they would have the nerve to move call centers to India because no one would understand them. Well guess what network executives and Hollywood producers. If you are not willing to bring a quality product to the market, there is someone else who will, and they have been tyring to find something besides wool to sell us for years. What you are not worried because they have no means of distribution. Well this should be exciting news for you. There is this think called the internet now, and even if you don't have the internet my TV gets 700 channels, I don't' know what half of them are, but I am sure there is one of them that would love to pick up an edgy new English comedy. In these tumultuous times of writer strikes and globalization England may be the saviour of entertainment. Do you realize how many new reality shows are coming out each season(≈10), and how many of them suck (90%). So, while the big 4 networks (yes I count ABC) battle it out to see who can churn out the most crappy new reality TV series this season, Britain will still be working to create new and interesting shows. These shows will be purchased by HBO or Showtime and sold to me. In the mean time writers are on strike because they are getting paid $0.00 to provide a service to their employers (internet content), and the 9th season of americas top model is just getting underway. I guess we will have to look to England to find something creative for us to sit in our underwear and stare blankly at. I guess that will make us even for that whole WWII thing

28 Days Trilogy Review

28 Days Trilogy

(A Mixed Review)

The 28 Days trilogy is a rollercoster of gorey sometimes emotional zombie killing and rehab.
The original 28days took place primarily in the pre-zombie world looking at one woman's struggle with alcholism and addiction while going through a court mandated rehab program, and while there is not specific mention of zombies, the main character is clearly slipping deeper and deeper into the grips of the zombie virus, as she slowly spirals toward the inevitable... complete zombification. Sandra Bullock's performance as a mindless Zombie is surprisingly belivable. More so in fact than than many of her other roles. Her acting portrays the cold lifeless zombie mentality more than many others I have seen. It was defiantly easier to believe her as a zombie than as an FBI agent or someone capable of driving a bus. In the end zombie Sandra Bullock accepts that she has a problem and is released from the facility. This is the first of many teeth clenching moments of dramatic irony in the trilogy, when it would have been so easy to stop the spread of the zombie virus. But alas, Sandra Bullock is allowed to roam free and the stage for the second movie is set.

28 Days Later picks up the story as the Sandra Bullock Zombie virus has been mutated in monkeys for study. The mutated virus takes effect very quickly compared to the painful 103 minutes that it took in the original it now just takes about 15 Seconds. In addition the new virus, instead of causing its victims to crave alcohol, causes them to crave delicious delicious brains. The PETA crusaders in their infinite wisdom, and after being warned that these were zombie monkeys (important for the trial), release the monkeys who promptly bite the PETA crusaders, turning them into PETA crusader zombies (just when you thought there was nothing worse).

Now the zombie action can start, and the are not the slow listless zombies of yester year. They are fast. Some of them can even run without falling down all the time. So we meet our protagonist who meets up w/ the zombie resistance (2 people) and later with a really creepy British family. Of coarse that may be just a normal British family. Some of them get killed and eventually find the military hold outs in some sort of a castle. Now for the weird part... Yes the zombies were not the weird part. The military guys are keeping a zombie as a pet, and ... They plan to repopulate the world by raping these girls. Which brings us to our fist lesson. One, zombies don't make good pets, and two no one likes a rapist, even zombies. So the zombie pet escapes and pretty much kills them all with about as much gore and eye gouging as the rapists deserved from the morally conservative zombies. The protagonist and 2 girls escape and are eventually rescued by... lets say the Americans (Flying circa 1965 jets). On the bright side it appears that the virus with its very short incubation rate has been confined to England. Now as long as we nuke the whole island and never speak of it again all should be right with the world. Right?

28 Weeks later is where I start getting angry. Again this is a whole new cast. Presumably because no one from 28 days later was willing to go back to zombie infested England. Yes that's right the premise of this movie is that they are going back to recolonize england and clean up the zombie carcases. More good news the zombie threat level is low enough to start bringing families in. now despite being explicitly told not to go into the zombie zone 2 kids really want their game boy or something and decide to go back to their old house. The easily sneak by the military guards and retrieve their things... and their mom. The mom is only partially zombified and instead of just shooting the lot of them (I grant no quarter to zombie sympathizers) they bring them all back to the safe zone. surprise 15 min later zombies are on the loose again. fortunately this time the military is everywhere. Snipers and ground troops take out a lot of the zombies, and then, the smartest thing anyone has done, the OIC decides to napalm the whole area including civilians. Some of the military personnel are shocked, but really when you are dealing with a zombie infection that could spread throughout the world you should not take any chances. A sniper and doctor find the son of the zombie mom and realize that he too is partially immune. The then in possibly the worst decision ever decide that they must get this kid out of the zombie area for study. Bypassing all quarantine and reason they convince a helicopter pilot to take them directly to France. Thus completing the cycle of stupidity and infecting all of Eurasia. At least Paris was the first to go, I assume they surrendered peacefully.

Over all I would give the trilogy a B-, with each movie getting slightly better than the previous one. Perhaps "Another 28 months later" will be B+ worthy. An aside on zombies, If you are in the military and faced with a nationwide zombie attack. you should really give everyone you can a gun. I have yet to see a zombie use a gun. so you can continue killing zombies until you get zombified and then the gun is basically taken out of service. That should really be made into some roadside gunssavelives.com signs that I keep seeing.

"When zombies attack"

"You'll know what to pack"

"A Colt 44"

"Means Zombies no more"

"www.Gunssavelives.com"