Wednesday, February 13, 2008

An open letter to TV

An open letter to TV


I know that we have had some hard times recently. I know that we have both made some mistakes, but I am here in front of you this Valentines day asking you to take me back. I think we had something really special and I think we can have that again. I have said some things these past couple months, and I know I can take any of that back, but I also know you have it in your heart to forgive me. Remember all the good times we had. Remember the season of ER where Mark Green had cancer, we made it through that. Remember when Seinfield had to wear the puffy shirt, or when that prankster OJ pretended he couldn't fit his hand in that glove, or that time Janet Jackson flashed us all. We have had some good times, and I know that there are more good times where those came from.

I know that it has always bothered you when I have ignored some of the nice things that you have done for me, but I am telling you today that I can change. I have been watching lost since you have been gone and I am almost halfway through. If you came back today I know that you would see that I am a changed man. I will even try to overlook the things that you have done that you are not so proud of. I know that you were nieve when you gave Tyra a talk show, and that you were probably drunk when you let the last 4 seasons of the real world air (lord knows the cast was). It is easy to get caught up in the moment, and I am telling you now that they don't mean a thing, and I am not ashamed of you. I am willing to look at what you have done as a whole and not just your momentary indiscretions.

And I have something for you, not a bribe, just something to show you how much I appreciate you, no conditions. Its an external HD for your PVR. I hope that we can use it together to archive all of the memories that we will build in the future. All the good times that I know are to come if you just come back to me. Just think what could happen on How I Met Your Mother, or The Office, or Dexter. The possibilities are endless with the foundations we have built. Last time I watched 30 Rock I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. You have really opened my eyes to all sorts of interesting characters and to the intriguing stories.

Anyway, I am not going to dwell, I just wanted to drop you a note to let you know I miss you, and no matter what well always have the Sopranos.


And Cara just so you don't think I forgot about you I made you a mix micro SD chip w/ all of your favorite songs, and then a bunch of other crap. Thats right Dwight D Eisenhower marvel at our technology that allows us to put 100 old timey LP albums onto something the size of your dime. They actually have an 8GB micro SD now... Crazy. Anyway I ♥ U Cara and wish you a very merry V-day.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

5 Misconceptions Perpetuated by Disney Movies

5 Misconceptions Perpetuated by Disney Movies

1) You are not a Princess. I know your parents always told you that you were a princess. Well it turns out they were lying to you. The mere fact that you have been acting like a princess makes you... kind of self centered and precocious, and generally oblivious to the world around you. In fact if we were all princesses and princes, the world would kind of suck. There needs to be a balance of princesses, and subjects, and at last count that ratio was about 10,000,000:1. Additionally, as it were being a princess is not all taffeta and fairy godmothers, it probably involves a lot more pointless ceremonies and being hounded by the paparazzi. So in fact you have not even been acting like a princess, just kind of spoiled.

2) Midgets and woodland creatures do not want to be your friends. While it would certainly be cool, in reality coming up to either and talking in a cutesy voice will probably get you bitten at worst and head butted in the balls at best. I'm sure that midgets would make excellent friends. However, you should probably be weary if they are living in a cabin together working out of a diamond mine. My perception is that miners and loaners living in the woods might have something other than the best interests in mind for the young lady who wanders into their cabin. As for woodland creatures they mostly eat and sleep, they are not fond of humans, and I have yet to see any singing or helping with chores in a well choreographed manner.

3) You should probably get to know that handsome man before you get married. Sure he did just wake you from an endless sleep with the power of his kiss, but what do you really know about him. Do you have any common interests? Does he expect you to take his last name? How does he feel about kids or your pet raccoon? It seems like there is so much you don't know... but he sure is pretty... It seems like this is where mandatory marital counseling comes in. Because, as it turns out, a lot of the time those pretty boys are kind of dicks, and that is not really going to workout well with your princess lifestyle. And here is another blow to that commitment you make in the wake of this tumultuous time of your life, most relationships formed out of traumatic events do not last. Sorry to bring you down from the high of killing the evil witch and escaping the dragon. If you are in such a hurry to get together with this guy, may I at least suggest a vacation together, or the Amazing Race. That seems to be just the venue to test your questionable relationship in front of a television audience.

4) No one is going to magic away your problems. I have had a rough time or 2 in my life, and do you no what helped... Fairy Godmother, No, Magic Rug, No again, Wizard Pal, Sorry... Usually I just had to deal with it my self. It helps tremendously if you have friends around who can lend a thought or hand (♂) / sympathetic ear (♀), but in the end it is your responsibility to gird up your loins and muddle through your issues as best you can. Sometimes they will get better, sometimes they will get worse, but at least you will be in control, and really all that magic would have done for you is helped you out of a jam. If you had not learned anything from it you would never really grow up, never really learn anything. You would still be using magic to solve simple arithmetic, or to cook your food, or to transport yourself to work. Ok so that last one would be pretty cool.

5) There is no happily ever after. Happiness is fleeting, and life is filled with ups and downs. Without adversity you would never really know what happiness was, and even in happiness there is adversity. Yes, on the 2-dimentional screen it all seems pretty clear, but we humans are complex beings with deep desires and personalities built on tragic loss, and triumphant victory, deep sadness, and overwhelming joy. In the end happiness is fleeting, that is if you are sitting still it will move on without you, and if you aren't going after it, it will leave without you. Or maybe you are happy all the time, never tested with hardship or adversity, maybe you are the 2-dimentional character living happily ever after in your own world, in which case... I'm sorry you are a princess.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Observations on the Cold

Observations on the Cold
by John Gutzmer
Did you know there is no such thing as "the cold"? Its true! There is heat and heat can be moved around, but there is always heat (baring scary laser experiments), and there is no opposite of heat. OK, OK, before you get your panties in a knot let me clarify. Cold is a perfectly acceptable adjective to describe something that is not hot, or how you feel, but it is not a noun unless it is something you catch from children and dispose of in a kleenex. You may disagree, that is fine as long as you realize you are wrong. In fact, it is talked about pretty regularly between Oct and Mar. Why? Because it sucks. So as long as we are on the subject here our my observations on "The Cold"

Why dont they plow our neighborhood? I think our neighbor pissed off the street dept.
I really think we are always the absolute last street to get plowed. Maybe I just have high expectations from when we used to live next to the Urbana Township shed and our street was always the first to get plowed, and the street sweeper went by twice a day. Lately it has even been days after the storm when the plows finally came. One of our neighbors used to work for the city, and is kindof a bitch. It is really entirely possible that she pissed someone off, and now there is some sort of long standing grudge. Fortunately enough people have pickups and SUVs that they carve some pretty substantial ruts in the road that I can follow.

Thunder sleet and ice fog have been the typical weather for the last few days. So who pissed off God? Because those are not normal things. Perhaps God was equally as bored with the super bowl and decided to stir things up a little. Or the X-Men are undergoing some covert opp in Central Illinois and Storm rolled in the crazy weather to cover things up. Whatever it was, when confronted with these again in the future here are some helpful hints. Perhaps ultra dense ice fog is not the best time to go for a jog, in shorts, Without Any Reflective Clothing, IN THE STREET. I know you are dedicated to running, but perhaps you could double up tomorrow, or go to the armory. Either way better than me almost taking out the entire Centenial HS Cross Country Team. You guys are welcome for me not killing you all.

Gutzmer's winter driving tips
1) Slow the fuck down. I know where ever you are from (SE Asia / Texas) you do not see much snow and ice. Welcome to Illinois. Just because it is crappy outside does not mean you are confined to your house. You can still make it to the grocery store or to pick up your kids, but you should probably plan double the time it normally takes and keep it slow. It should be easy every one else is doing it just follow them (not too closely).
2) Don't slow down. Yes that contradicts #1. Let me clarify. If you are going less than 5 it is a lot easier to get stuck in a deeper patch of snow than if you are going 20. Your car is heavy, and a little speed will give it enough momentum to get through those snowy spots, especially if your neighborhood for whatever reason is not getting plowed. On the other hand your car has a lot of momentum. If you are going more than 30 hopefully you are carefully evaluating the road conditions and what is around you that you are about to hit. Basically if you skid at 5 you will probably come to an immediate stop, 20 you will probably correct yourself or get stuck in a snowbank, 40 you will likely get at least one spin possibly hitting whatever is near by, 60 is anybody's game possibly flip your car and or hit something harder than you want to.
3) Stop driving in the middle of the road. I understand it looks like the safest place, but that only holds true if there is not someone barreling down on you. The lane lines may be blurred, but you know pretty much where you should be. If you are afraid of the snow you should not have come out.
4) If you are scared of the snow you should not have come out. Did you really need to anyway. Probably not. Really, if you don't have to go somewhere why are you. Save it for tomorrow, or whenever it becomes a necessity. The roads are only getting better, as long as there are not 50 jackasses tooling around for no reason.
5) If you have a big 4x4 truck, congratulations. All those months of 12-14MPG have finally paid off. This is it. This is your time to shine. Strap on that snow plow and get your ass over to my house to plow my driveway. I will even throw you some cash.

I hate shoveling, which as weird because for something I hate so much I sure do a hell of a lot of it. We have a modest sized driveway, and yet I always feel like some old man after I finish shoveling. More over that is usually only half of the driveway (I like to break it up). The real problem lies in the fact that our driveway faces due west. So regardless of how much snow accumulates our driveway always has a drift that piles against our garage door 3 times as deep as anywhere else. This last time I tried to put up a make shift snow fence to encourage the snow to drift somewhere else, but for once the snow was blowing a different direction so the jury is still out on that one. My other thoughts are a snow blower or salamander, but Cara does not seem to be too interested in either... Oh Well.

Ohhh, my freakin eyes are killing me. I put 12 Gal of water through our humidifier and I don't think it even made a dent. That's not counting all the breathing and the dryer. I might as well be living in the desert. I guess until spring I will go for the eyedrops and make the best of it. Oh and if you have an electric dryer you should definately get a dryer diverter from Menards. In the winter you can flip a little trap over and it pumps all that delightfully warm humid air into your house instead of out into the cold, and as an added bonus you are not sucking the cold air in from the outside to replace what you are blowing out. If you want to get really fancy they also have a water trap to catch any lint evasive enough to make it through you dryer.

Well, now that I am done complaining about the cold it is up to 42, and last night to round out the ridiculous weather thunder storms. At least everything has come full circle. On the bright side it should be back down in the 20s by the end of the week. So I may have one last chance for ice skating on the lake and using my ridiculous semi-truck telescoping ice scraper before spring. In fact there could be another ice storm or hail fog. Welcome to Central Illinois here are your ear muffs.