Observations on the Cold

Observations on the Cold
by John Gutzmer

Did you know there is no such thing as "the cold"? Its true! There is heat and heat can be moved around, but there is always heat (baring scary laser experiments), and there is no opposite of heat. OK, OK, before you get your panties in a knot let me clarify. Cold is a perfectly acceptable adjective to describe something that is not hot, or how you feel, but it is not a noun unless it is something you catch from children and dispose of in a kleenex. You may disagree, that is fine as long as you realize you are wrong. In fact, it is talked about pretty regularly between Oct and Mar. Why? Because it sucks. So as long as we are on the subject here our my observations on "The Cold"

Why dont they plow our neighborhood? I think our neighbor pissed off the street dept.
I really think we are always the absolute last street to get plowed. Maybe I just have high expectations from when we used to live next to the Urbana Township shed and our street was always the first to get plowed, and the street sweeper went by twice a day. Lately it has even been days after the storm when the plows finally came. One of our neighbors used to work for the city, and is kindof a bitch. It is really entirely possible that she pissed someone off, and now there is some sort of long standing grudge. Fortunately enough people have pickups and SUVs that they carve some pretty substantial ruts in the road that I can follow.

Thunder sleet and ice fog have been the typical weather for the last few days. So who pissed off God? Because those are not normal things. Perhaps God was equally as bored with the super bowl and decided to stir things up a little. Or the X-Men are undergoing some covert opp in Central Illinois and Storm rolled in the crazy weather to cover things up. Whatever it was, when confronted with these again in the future here are some helpful hints. Perhaps ultra dense ice fog is not the best time to go for a jog, in shorts, Without Any Reflective Clothing, IN THE STREET. I know you are dedicated to running, but perhaps you could double up tomorrow, or go to the armory. Either way better than me almost taking out the entire Centenial HS Cross Country Team. You guys are welcome for me not killing you all.

Gutzmer's winter driving tips
1) Slow the fuck down. I know where ever you are from (SE Asia / Texas) you do not see much snow and ice. Welcome to Illinois. Just because it is crappy outside does not mean you are confined to your house. You can still make it to the grocery store or to pick up your kids, but you should probably plan double the time it normally takes and keep it slow. It should be easy every one else is doing it just follow them (not too closely).
2) Don't slow down. Yes that contradicts #1. Let me clarify. If you are going less than 5 it is a lot easier to get stuck in a deeper patch of snow than if you are going 20. Your car is heavy, and a little speed will give it enough momentum to get through those snowy spots, especially if your neighborhood for whatever reason is not getting plowed. On the other hand your car has a lot of momentum. If you are going more than 30 hopefully you are carefully evaluating the road conditions and what is around you that you are about to hit. Basically if you skid at 5 you will probably come to an immediate stop, 20 you will probably correct yourself or get stuck in a snowbank, 40 you will likely get at least one spin possibly hitting whatever is near by, 60 is anybody's game possibly flip your car and or hit something harder than you want to.
3) Stop driving in the middle of the road. I understand it looks like the safest place, but that only holds true if there is not someone barreling down on you. The lane lines may be blurred, but you know pretty much where you should be. If you are afraid of the snow you should not have come out.
4) If you are scared of the snow you should not have come out. Did you really need to anyway. Probably not. Really, if you don't have to go somewhere why are you. Save it for tomorrow, or whenever it becomes a necessity. The roads are only getting better, as long as there are not 50 jackasses tooling around for no reason.
5) If you have a big 4x4 truck, congratulations. All those months of 12-14MPG have finally paid off. This is it. This is your time to shine. Strap on that snow plow and get your ass over to my house to plow my driveway. I will even throw you some cash.

I hate shoveling, which as weird because for something I hate so much I sure do a hell of a lot of it. We have a modest sized driveway, and yet I always feel like some old man after I finish shoveling. More over that is usually only half of the driveway (I like to break it up). The real problem lies in the fact that our driveway faces due west. So regardless of how much snow accumulates our driveway always has a drift that piles against our garage door 3 times as deep as anywhere else. This last time I tried to put up a make shift snow fence to encourage the snow to drift somewhere else, but for once the snow was blowing a different direction so the jury is still out on that one. My other thoughts are a snow blower or salamander, but Cara does not seem to be too interested in either... Oh Well.

Ohhh, my freakin eyes are killing me. I put 12 Gal of water through our humidifier and I don't think it even made a dent. That's not counting all the breathing and the dryer. I might as well be living in the desert. I guess until spring I will go for the eyedrops and make the best of it. Oh and if you have an electric dryer you should definately get a dryer diverter from Menards. In the winter you can flip a little trap over and it pumps all that delightfully warm humid air into your house instead of out into the cold, and as an added bonus you are not sucking the cold air in from the outside to replace what you are blowing out. If you want to get really fancy they also have a water trap to catch any lint evasive enough to make it through you dryer.

Well, now that I am done complaining about the cold it is up to 42, and last night to round out the ridiculous weather thunder storms. At least everything has come full circle. On the bright side it should be back down in the 20s by the end of the week. So I may have one last chance for ice skating on the lake and using my ridiculous semi-truck telescoping ice scraper before spring. In fact there could be another ice storm or hail fog. Welcome to Central Illinois here are your ear muffs.