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Almost Good Eats

2009-09-13T17:16:00.000-07:00

Almost Good Eats

If you are one of my many (4) faithful blog readers then I’m sure you have noticed a large number of food related blogs, and if you know me at all you know I am a little (lot) obsessed with Good Eats on Food Network. If you have never seen it, you don’t know what you have been missing out on. The shows focus on a single food item and consist of 50% science, 50% history, and 50% cooking (it is a power packed 30 min). If you have seen the show then you have probably realized that most of my cooking blogs are either loosely or directly based on good eats episodes.

Recently I have decided that there are enough of these that they probably deserve their own blog with just the food, and without all of this baby jibber jabber. On this new blog hopefully you will join me for my delicious triumphs, and horrible disasters.
So please enjoy…

Almost Good Eats

Billboards I like to argue with 3

2009-08-26T19:50:00.000-07:00

As Promised
Billboards I like to argue with 3

Nothing is worse that political ads. TV, radio, but this is clearly the worst thing I have ever seen. First of all lets talk a little about capitalization. I think we all agree that if you want to YELL while typing all you have to DO is write in ALL CAPS. So let read this again, this time with the yelling in place, which is clearly what that child is doing. Sometimes it is acceptable to write whole lines in all caps, but then you have to stick to your guns. You can’t not capitalize Is and the CAPS it up on “THAT EQUAL PROTECTION OF THE LAW”. While we are on the topic of EXCLAMATION, in 5th grade my teacher told me that if you use exclamation points unnecessarily that your story (or billboard) will read like a Japanese comic book. Well maybe that is what they are going for with this color scheme, so lets move on to sentence structure NOW!

It is hard to get what the author is going for, just by the subtle overtones. However, I’m pretty sure they meant to say “Is that (in) a child’s best interest”. As it is written it sounes like the 4 days with his dad is the thing that he is interested in that is the best for him, or maybe the favorite of all of his interests. Moving right along, I think they want to say “Is that equal protection of (the) law?”. Unless, of course, they are talking about Jude Law… or maybe LAW is an acronym. That must be why it is capitalized.

My informed wife informs me that a colon can be used to start a list of items, address an individual, or to identify a character in a script. So this billboard either wants Judge Blockman to reform family court NOW, or this is a line from a script in which Judge Blockman is a character. I like to think it is the later. I am also not ruling out that this is just the start of his to do list (it is a work in progress).

Maybe I am being too critical. The red, yellow, and blue scheme is almost patriotic.
Let’s take a step back and look at the billboard as a whole. The child is clearly very upset. I assume he has been reading this billboard, or maybe he wrote the billboard. That actually makes a lot more sense. This really seams like something a 5 year old wrote. The Capitalization, the grammar, the punctuation, this all seems very much like this child wrote and designed this billboard. It is actually pretty impressive.

So I guess I am torn. This billboard makes me very angry and I want to punish its creators, by doing the opposite of what they are asking me to do, but I am not really sure what that is. Is this a pro or anti Judge Blockman billboard. Are they torturing children? I really have no idea. The more I read this the more confused I am. Perhaps I will have to go to the website to find out what the hell is going on… And perhaps that was their plan the whole time. Well played Judge Blockman

Almost Handicaped

2009-07-12T10:51:00.000-07:00

Almost Handicaped

While pregnancy certianly has its ups and downs, one of the best thing is the sweet parking at select stores. I'm not sure that telling pregnant women that you are one step above being in a wheelchair is quite the message stores should be sending, but as long as I am reaping all the benefits I will not complain.

Painting Baby Gutzmer's Room 2 of 3

2009-07-04T08:02:00.000-07:00

Painting Baby G’s room 2 of 3

If any of your friends have striped a room you’ve already heard the horror stories. It is substantially more difficult and time consuming than just painting. There are numerous things that you can mess up that will make things infinitely more difficult. OK, So you’ve heard the warnings of your friends who’ve tried, you realize the work, and you still want to try the stripes. Here you go.

First a note on colors and types of paint, I highly recommend picking the color you like and then picking a color one lighter on the card. Some people I know have decided to do the same color in semi-gloss and flat. They have all regretted this, as the flat paint is ridiculously difficult to clean. If it is a child’s room satin is a good easy to clean choice. If it is a kitchen or bathroom you could bump it up to semi gloss, but its your room so pick whatever you want.

Pre Requisite: Painting Baby G’s room 1 of 3

1) Planning Planning Plannnig
Here an ounce of planning can save you hour of difficult painting. First of all measure all of your walls, doors and, windows and make a little diagram. Now, since you have already painted your base coat you will want to avoid repainting all of the suckiest parts. A standard paint roller is 9” wide, so if you make your stripes 9 – 10” wide they will be the perfect width to hit with one pass of a roller.

So your goals here:
-Have the corners lie in the middle of a stripe. If you do not have to add more trim at the corners that would be great
-Minimize the number of corners you have to repaint.
-Minimize the trim you have to do
Use your diagram and mark out where the stripes will be, trust me it seems like extra work but it will pay off in then end.

EG: Baby G’s room had 5 internal corners, 2 of which had door trim an inch away. I avoided all of those but 1, and that one had >3 inches on either side of the corner making is suitable for the small roller. I did have to sacrifice and repaint the trim between the doors.
2) Taping Taping Taping
I used the blue tape (it was on sale), but they also had some green tape that was supposed to make cleaner lines, more on that later. I would not recommend the beige tape, but I would recommend shelling out the extra money for the wide tape. I used the 1” tape which was kind of narrow.

Get your measuring tape and start measuring out the distances you have carefully planned. After you have a couple marked, take a tack and stick it in one of the marks. Now you can just hook the end of your tape on and mark away. As you are marking put a small x in the sections that you are planning on repainting. If you are using 10” stripes the math should be pretty easy. If you are using 9” stripes just remember that all of the digits of multiples of 9 add up to 9. ie 27 => 2+7=9 also you can just increment the 10s and decrement the 1s. Or just learn your damn multiplication tables.

Once you have the top of the wall marked go back and mark the bottom in the same way. You may be tempted to use a plumb line to just make the lines as vertical as possible. You shouldn’t.

Brief aside about visual acuity and statistical tolerancing:
The human eye is very good at determining if lines are parallel, but not as good at determining if they are vertical. So as you are making your lines and you are shooting for It is much better if you are off like / / / instead of / \ /. Now what this means to you. If you use a level of a plum line any error would be random and you would be more likely to end up with the dreaded / \ /. By contrast if you measure uniform increments from the wall even if you have the same quantity of error it will be virtually unnoticeable on the wall.

e.g: On one wall I miss measured the bottom lines and was off by a whole inch from the top lines. The only reason I noticed the one set of lines that were /, the rest of the lines were virtually unnoticeable.

3) Double check all the lines
OK last chance. Take a good hard look at each line. Make sure your x’s all alternate properly. take a good look at each line. Here is a good time to use your plumb line. Once you start painting it is too late.

4) Set lines
One of the major pitfalls of masking tape is feathering. If there are any small gaps between the tape and the wall the paint will wic under the tape creating a feathering effect along the edges that you don’t want. The easiest solution is to use a hard rubber roller to make sure all of the tape is adhered firmly to the wall.

5) Now for the painting
And by now you should be old hat at this. If not, see painting baby Gutzmer’s room 1 of 3, step 6 – 10. Everything should still be clean from the first time and you have already done your masking. So:
Prep

Cut-in

Roll it up

Repeat

6) Remove the tape and admire your handy work / notice your mistakes
Now for the fun part (according to Cara) Grab the tape and gently but firmly pull it away at a 30 deg (pi/6) angle from the wall and from the line. It should come away cleanly without peeling any paint. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

7) Touchup
Grab your brush again and carefully go around and find all of the many small imperfections that fill your heart with shame. Go over it once with the light color and once with the dark color. If you did not have anything to touchup congratulations you’re a better man than I.

8) Admire your handy work
It’s been a lot of time and a lot of effort, now time to show all of your friends, take some pictures, write a blog?

nice sharp lines

What a Great Time to have a Baby

2009-06-05T23:37:00.000-07:00

What a Great Time to have a Baby

As I have been talking to Cara and looking at baby things it’s dawned on me, what a great time to be having a baby. We have several friends in the area who have either just had babies or are about to. There is all of this excitement in the air, and come-on… babies. And as an added bonus the in-laws gave us a bunch of baby stuff that they are done with. It really just seems to be the perfect time, and not just a great time for us personally but the best time to have a baby in the history of medical science.

Did you know when we (30 somethings) were born the instance of maternal mortality and infant mortality were both 10 time what they are now, and astoundingly when our parents were born the chance of death during child birth was ANOTHER 10 times more than that. Even more astounding is that these figures do not stop there. Since the dawn of modern medicine child birth has gone from a toss of the 100 sided DnD dice to a relatively safe experience of bringing a new life into the world.

During the past 50 years numerous advancements have been made in child birth that have brought us to this point in time when deaths during childbirths are measured out of 100,000s instead of 1000s. Once one of the prime causes of maternal death, extreme parinatial and postnatal hemoraging, can now be treated by drugs and in extenuating circumstances blood transfusions. Infection once the third leading cause of maternal death is now virtually eliminated thanks to antiseptic delivery rooms, and antibiotics if necessary. Obstructed labor which used to account for 1 death in 1000 births, can often be safely resolved without surgical intervention, and that is just the mothers. The benefits for infants are far too numerous to mention in this forum.

Premature babies have a achieved unparalleled survival rates, even at terms that would have been considered impossible even a few years ago. The understanding and care for these tiny miracles has made leaps and bounds. Moreover, the with adequate preterm care, most premature births can be avoided or delayed until they are closer to term

It is a little scary to talk about problems during pregnancy and birth, but thanks to the constantly improving standard of care it is less scary all the time. It is certainly true that women have been having babies for 100,000 years, but they have really gotten a lot better at it in the last 50.

Another huge leap forward in childbirth in the last 50 years has been the use of prevention and education in the battle against birth defects and other potentially dangerous conditions. One of the most effective and proven means of prevention is the use of a simple inexpensive prenatal vitamin. These have been shown to greatly reduce the occurrence of several types of birth defects.

As new and expectant mothers have had more access to education about food and nutrition, birth weights have steadily increased. With prenatal monitoring through ultrasounds and regular checkups at risk babies can be identified earlier, giving parents more options in their care and treatment than ever before.

In addition mothers also benefit greatly from prenatal care. Once life threatening conditions like pre-eclampsia and gestational diabetes can now be diagnosed early and managed effectively so that mothers can still go on to have successful pregnancies, without danger to themselves or their unborn child. As an interesting note these problems were likely not recorded in the above statistics because they would not necessarily present at child birth.

The benifits of basic prenatal care and access to medical care have done so well in the industrailized nations that they have set up programs in developing nations with some tremendous results. Astounding drops in infrant mortality and maternal mortality, thanks to modern medicine.

While the health and welfare of the mother and infant are certainly at the forefront of most parents minds there are some other less tangible changes to the birthing process that have occurred over the last 30 years that have made the process much more enjoyable for the parents, and even in the last 5 years opportunities exist that our mothers could not have dreamed of.

While camping last weekend I had a discussion with my friend Mark who is also pregnant. He asked how involved I planned on being in the delivery. My answer: “Extreamly to overbearingly” we laughed. He was a little more squeamish than I am and was really only interested in holding his wife’s hand. The mere fact that there are choices to be made, however, is a huge leap forward.

There are options available to parents today that were not even considered 30 years ago. The availability of in hospital water birth, private birthing rooms, and the other creature comforts are things that were not considered when I was born. I look forward to being in the delivery room and cutting the cord. I can’t think of anything more beautiful than being with my wife during this important moment in our lives.

However I also understand that sometimes things do not go as you plan and sometimes you just have to roll with the punches. I have done a fair amount of research (disgusting research) on the different types of birthing, and I feel like between Cara and I we will be able to make informed decisions as we go. We would love to have a natural birth. We would love to do it without an epidural. I know no one wants an episiotomy, but the best laid plans of mice and men go often wrong go oft’ astray. It is in these incidences that we can use our ability to adapt and survive like our ancestors before us. If something does happen i do not think our experiance will be any less special, and in the end, if things do not go perfectly, and interventions have to be taken, our baby will not be any less dear to our hearts, any less special, any less loved.

Painting Baby Gutzmer's Room 1 of 3

2009-05-27T19:19:00.000-07:00

Painting Baby Gutzmer's Room 1 of 3

As Baby Gutzmer approaches I have been informed that it is time for the oldest of baby traditions, painting the baby room. This goes all the way back to a conversation overheard in an early cave.

♂How do you want to decorate the baby's room.
♀I don't know I was thinking of a nice gender neutral green
♂That seems kind of bland
♀maybe some two tone green stripes
♂I was thinking of a mural of me and my friends hinting and killing some buffalo
♀I think I would prefer the stripes
Club... thump

and so the first baby mural was created

I lacking a club ended up settling on the 2 tone green stripes.
So please to enjoy the first of my 3 part series "Painting baby Gutzmers room"

1) Move the furniture out of the way. Seems easy enough. Get it out of the room or away from the walls there should be 4ft of clearance around.

2) Take off all of those faceplates. You could mask them, but it is way easier and cleaner to remove them, and as I'll investigate later masking is not all it is cracked up to be.

3) Clean... Clean... Clean

If you want the paint to be nice and smooth and not to peel off in a year you want to start with a surface that is nice and smooth and CLEAN.

Start with a broom sweep the whole thing paying special attention to the cobwebs that you did not even notice were there.
Now get your favorite bucket and make a dilute cleaning solution with your favorite household cleaner. Make sure it is not too strong you do not want to leave any residue. Take a rag and get it slightly damp and wipe down the entire wall. If your walls were immaculate to start with congratulations, you are the cleanest person I know.

If you are a little anal like me you can do an additional quick rub down with a scouring pad. I like the giant ones they sell at sams. Especially if you are starting with a semi-gloss or high gloss, this will scarify the surface to allow for better adhesion.
Oh, and keep that rag and bucket around, it will come in handy

4) Masking (optional)
This is the point in the painting process where you break out multiple rolls of tape and go to town coating every inch of your trim... right? Maybe not. Lets consider the pros and cons
Cons
-All that time and effort to put the tape everywhere
-Once the tape is on you tend to get sloppy since that's what its there for
-Feathering (the little bit of paint that wick under the tape and get on the trim anyway)
Pros
-?

With a good brush and a steady hand you can get just as strait (or better) trim lines with out all of the taping, but more on that later. I do like the tape for the trip that is close together or where it is really close to an inside corner, and there is not enough room to maneuver a brush. The easiest way is to get it even at one side and then to pull it strait and line it up at the other side, smooth it down tight and if IF the wall is straight the tape will be perfect.
5) Put down a drop cloth
It doesn't need to be fancy that old sheet set will do just fine, but it does need to be there. No matter how careful you are sooner or later a drop will fall, and if it is on carped it is not easy to clean. If you want to shell out $8 for a real drop cloth it is worth it.
6) Now use those free pint stirrers you got to stir it up nice.
When you are done wipe them on the rim as you pull it out, now you don't have AS much paint dripping on all of the news paper you laid out. You did lay news paper out right?
7) Pick your worst bowl, Tupperware, margarine container and dump some in (carefully)
or $0.89 for the pro container with the wipe off wire.
8) Cutting in
Ok, I promised you deliverance from all of that masking and here it is. Professional painters don't mask and neither should you. And your brush will set you free. First of all throw away that $1 brush with the plastic bristles that are always falling out.

If you want to do a good job start with a good brush. Look for good bristles that are split at the ends, a nice chiseled edge that will let the bristles fan out as you pull it across the wall, and a solid mounting and handle. You don't need to go crazy but if you spend $8 in 6 years, you will be glad you did.

Dip your brush into the paint about a half an inch as you go the paint will slowly creep up the brush, but keep it as close to the bottom as possible. Wipe off the excess, and get ready to paint. Start 1/2 in away from the edge and slowly pull the brush into and across the trim. As you do the bristles will fan out into a knife like edge (hence cutting in). keep going until the edge is just touching the trim, and move it straight down the edge.
Congratulations! a nice clean edge with no tape and half the time.
Oh and make sure you still have that bucket and damp rag around just in case.

9) Once you have the trim "cut in" turn the brush 90 deg and get a good couple of inches to make room for the rollers. If there is not room for the roller, then use the brush for as far as you need.

Now that you have about 1% of the wall covered you are home free. 90% of the work is done, and it is time to bust out that roller. Pour the paint in the roller pan and load up the roller. Make sure you roll out the excess on the pan, and head to the wall. Start with one big W (or M for the democrats) and then keep moving back and forth in the same pattern until the the area is completely covered. The key here is to press firmly into the wall. Use a little paint and apply it evenly.

One roller should look about like this. Get as close as you safely can to the edges since the paint from the roller really looks a lot nice.

10) Repeat steps 8 and 9

But good news. don't really worry about getting right up to the trim. As long as you're within an 1/8 - 1/4 in that's close enough. It should go twice as fast.

11) Cleaning Cleaning Cleaning

Now that you're done spend 20 min to clean all of your tools. Rinse the brush thoroughly and soak it in some warm water. If the paint is dried on you can use a wire brush to clean the... brush. The rest you should be able to rinse out with a garden hose. I do usually just throw away the roller, I have tried reusing them and they always seem worthless the second time no matter how much I clean them.

Now that We've got the base coat down we're ready for the stripes.

Sausagefest

2009-05-05T19:37:00.000-07:00

Sausagefest

Several years ago when we got our mixer and some of the attachments I convinced Cara to let me spend the couple of extra bucks to get the sausage stuffer tubes. It has been a long time and I have taken a fair amount of flack for the unused sausage tubes. A couple of weekends ago I finally had the extra venison and time to finally make my first batch of sausage. warning may not be suitable for vegetarians.

1) Cleaning Cleaning Cleaning
You want good sausage you need to clean everything. Counters, mixer, bowls, utensils, clean it all. Got it all squeaky clean? Good, now you're ready for the next step.2) Sanitize Sanitize Sanitize
Really these are good starting steps for any cooking project. a 10% bleach soln should do nicely, and as an added bonus you can just spray on and let it dry, you do not even need to wipe it down.

3) Get your ingredients

Now if you are making sausage you are going to need some fat. My recipe called for pork back fat, but to my dismay no one seemed to stock it, though the Schnucks butcher said he could save me some. I figured bacon would work just as well.

4) Set up the equipment

from left to right: 600W mixer w/ meat grinder attachment, clean plates for transfer, large sanitized cutting board, large knife extra sharp, 2 large bowls for catching ground meat.

5) Cut the meat

For my meat grinder this meant rectangular prisms about 1" x 1" x 6"

6) Into the grinder

Nice and easy let the grinder do the work. This does add some heat to the meat so the colder is starts the better, I usually pop mine in the freeze for at least and hour or 2 before cutting.

Multiple batches, different meats, have to step out for a bit...

you know it:

clean clean clean

sanitize sanitize sanitize

I suggest running a couple of pieces of bread through the grinder to force out the majority of the meat.

I like to make mine w/ venison, hence the need for the extra fat. As delicious as it is venison really does not have a lot going on in the fat dept.

That's a lot of meat

7) Weigh and measure all of the ingredients.

I used a couple of recipes I found on line, one good eats, and one random.

8) Mix it up

I started this with the paddle and quickly realized that was going to make a ginormous mess. The dough hook did much better kneading the spices into the meat, and don't forget the secret ingredient, morton tender quick adds the real sausage taste... ummmmm sausage.

9a) ♫ Pack it up nice ♫

Now here you have a couple of options patties or links. I chose about 2/3 patties, mostly because it was a lot of meat and the patties were easier. spread a 24" piece of foodservice film (saran) out on the counter. Get a 1lb handful of sausage, form it into a cylinder, and TIGHTLY wrap it up into the film folding in the ends as you go. Pop it in the freezer and you've got sausage suitable for patties.

9b) Stuff it

The links get a bit more complicated. First the stuffer tubes need to be fitted onto the good ole grinder. Slide your collagen casings (no intestines for me) onto the tubes, and clip off the end.

hold it tight and twist off the links as you go

Enjoy!

John Gutzmer’s jeans club for men

2009-04-10T10:59:00.000-07:00

John Gutzmer’s jeans club for men

John and Cara on the LasVegas strip

08/06/07 QuadCities golf tournament
Drew: Is that what you’re wearing
John: Yeah,
Drew: You know it’s like 100 degrees out
John: And…
Drew: And, we will be walking around a golf course…
And, you’re wearing jeans.
John: I’m good.

You see, John Gutzmer’s jeans club for men is not just for guys who like jeans… Hey who doesn’t. It’s more of a state of mind. Is it hot outside? Yes. Do you want to look like a little girl? Uh, no. And from these humble beginnings began John Gutzmer’s Jean’s club for men.

It is not that I have anything against shorts, they defiantly have their place, (bicycling, running, swimming), it is just that I would prefer to wear jeans. Why?.. Well I am glad you asked.

John at the palace at Versailes

Comfort
Is there anything more comfortable than a well worn pair of Jeans. Apparently the more you wear them the better they conform to your body. Almost all of the jeans I wear have even have a worn spot that holds my wallet at a certain angle in my pants. (apparently that is where it goes

John ice skating on the lake

Utility
You want to crawl around under your house, or climb a tree. You are going to want some jeans. Putting on a roof, or walking around town… jeans. They are good for almost all tasks. They protect your skin from sharp things, and they encapsulate your legs with a soft delightful sheath of cotton... What more could you want.

John and the youth in Juarez Mexico on a 110 deg day

Durability
I have had some jeans that have had exceptionally long lives. I have thought about sending some of them back to Levi for breeding purposes. What other apparel could you use to crawl around on gravel, then shake the dust off and expect to wear the next day.

John and Cara at the City Museam on the 4th of July

Consistency
I don’t try on jeans any more. I haven’t for 15 years. I do still shop around for deals, but I know what I am looking for… 34 32 550. And when I find them at the price I want, I usually buy several pairs. Girls may spend hours and days looking for pants and skirts, but guys have a number then can find in on the shelf and walk up to the register, no trying on, no hassle, find the number and check out.

John at the Venice Naval Museam

Yes. There is a downside. Sometimes it is hot, and other times it is really hot, and jeans are not known for their cool airiness. So what is one to do? Suck it up. Sure it is summer and it is 110 degrees with the sun beating down on you, but most of your body heat is concentrated around your head and your chest. So throw on a t-shirt and sweat it out. It will be worth it when your friends come up and ask if you are hot, and you can snidely reply “Yeah, I am…. ;) ”

Paper or Plastic

2009-03-12T10:02:00.000-07:00

Paper or Plastic

It’s yet another one of life’s great decisions. The plastic bag that is worse for the environment (not true), or the paper bag made from our nations forests (also not true). This is the age old question that many struggle with at the checkout line, if you have not switched to the trendy reusable bag, which still may not be any better for the environment, espicially, if it sits in the garage like our 4 or 5 do.

My personal preference is for the cheap plastic bags. They are stronger, more moisture resistant and easier to hold onto than those ridiculous paper bags. In fact if they start bagging my groceries w/ paper I will usually make them redo it with plastic. Just for the fact that I like to pick up all 4 or 5 bags at the same time, which you simply cannot do with the paper bags. People should probably get the reusable bags and make a point to take them to the store, but that is not really what this blog is about.

We do make every effort to conserve. We reuse as many of the bags as possible as trashcan liners or numerous other misc uses, and what we don’t reuse we usually recycle at the bin in the super market. So we have the reuse and recycle going, but what really pisses me off is trying to reduce the number we end up with.

This is what I ended up coming home with the other day while I was not watching the bagger. When I got home I was very upset as I started putting stuff away, and realized that not only did numerous bags only have 1 item in them, but some of them were even double bagged. For the 30 some grocery items we had 20 some bags. Granted the bagger may not have been the brightest crayon in the box, but come on. This is why I prefer the self checkout.

Items that received their own individual bag (from top, left): single pack of flour tortillas, pre bagged oranges, half gallon of OJ, 12 eggs, half gallon of milk, half gallon of icecream, single pack of corn tortillas, quart of margerine, prebagged apples.

In future outings I will try to be more proactive to reduce the number of bags we end up with. If I would have noticed this before they started I would have consolidated some of these myself. I guess I will reuse one of the plastic bags to bring its 50 friends back to be recycled.

Oh and one more bright spot for plastic bags, if you get a bag that feels a little rougher than the normal bag it is probably made of bioplastic, which is made from corn or soybeans. These are much more biodegradable and use substantially less hydrocarbons to produce and deliver. And if the shipping peanuts that came with your latest online purchase are tan and crush between your fingers those are bioplastic as well.

other info:

Billboards I Like to Argue With 2

2009-02-13T11:45:00.000-08:00

Billboards I Like to Argue With 2

On my way home I came across this gem while stopped at a light. At first this seemed like a reasonable request for a PSA type billboard. Yes, yes I will stand up to an abuser. Who does he think he is anyway, abusing some poor kid? But, as I continued to sit at the very unnecessary light at the corner of Bradley and County Fair, this got to bothering me.

First of all why the hell does this guy look so smug? Now I’m kind of pissed. Someone really needs to put this abuser in his place. And another thing, why is he black? What exactly are they implying here? I have half a mind to call up this “CASA” and giving them a piece of my mind. This billboard is a racist attack on the community it is so clearly trying to serve. I have not seen any of these ads with a smug white guy anywhere else around town.

Just before I got out of my car and started yelling at the sign the light finally turned green. “Thank god, now I don’t have to look at this inflammatory propaganda anymore” I thought as I pulled away slowly… Oh, nevermind

aAlgorithm for finding the bar at large gathering using Newton’s method

2008-12-19T11:13:00.000-08:00

Algorithm for finding the bar at a large gathering using Newton’s method

Figure 1 Typical sample of people flaunting delightful beverages, while others remain beveragless.

Last year at the artists against AIDS benefit, I was enjoying the weird art, but was somewhat frustrated that I could not seem to figure out where the bar was, despite my best efforts. About ready to give up I decided to use my 20 years of schooling to come up with a robust method of finding a resource in a large group of people. What follows is the derivation and algorithm.

In order for this to work we must make some assumptions about the group.

Primary to this algorithm is that the group be sufficiently large and uniform to make observations on a sample of the group and apply gradients those samples. Depending on the type of room and the type of resource being sought the minimum total group size could vary from 30 to 70, but typically if it is a group of less that 50 the room size would be small enough that more direct methods could be utilized.

Second, we must assume that the members of the group are moving around the area. If it is obvious that some or all of the members are stationary for an extended period of time then those individuals should be excluded from the calculations. This is often the case where there are tables that people are sitting at.

Finally, the participants have to be, on average, consuming the resource in question at a fairly constant rate. This does not need to be constant over the course of the event, but must be continuous over the time period in question. Thus people will start with a full drink and slowly consume it over 20-40 min. The more variance in the rate of consumption the larger the sample size of the group will need to be. Large deviances from the norm like shots should be identified and discarded.

Figure 2 Vectors measuring the movement of alcoholic beverages in a confined space. The length and direction of the vectors is proportional to the velocity vector multiplied by the percentage of remaining beverage.

Once these criteria have been met the algorithm can be implemented.
First take a survey of all of the individuals in a certain radius from your location. Scale the individual’s movement vectors with the quantity of their drinks and average to obtain a single vector. This vector will show the average movement of the alcohol near you.

Figure 3 Initial sample group and the coresponding vector indicating the negative of the mean alcohol movement in the group.

With this invaluable piece of information we can derive several things. The first and most important is the direction of the bar which is in the opposite of the mean alcohol vector (MAV[1]). One could just start walking tat direction and see where they end, up, but would have substantially more success by moving in the direction opposite the mean alcohol vector, but only 30% of the length of the room, or a suitable distance depending on circumstances.

Figure 4 Second survey at location indicated by MAV[1], including MAV[2]

Once at the new location a new survey can be taken yielding a second mean alcohol vector MAV[2]. Furthermore by comparing the overall glass levels at both locations one may extrapolate the location where the glass levels would be full, and presumably this would also be the location where you would also be able to obtain a full glass.

Figure 5 Second survey point with the inclusion of a vector of the average of MAV[1] and MAV[2] weighted by the mean percentage of remaining beverage at each site.

Figure 6 Predicted location of bar by extrapolating the weighted mean vector for the location where beverage levels will reach 100%. ie. If you find where peoples drinks are full you will fin the bar.

In the extensive testing conducted by the author, this method has typically worked in as little as a single iteration and as many as 4. This is most useful for items with a known maximum and minimum such as beverages, but can also be used to locate cheese trays, chocolate fountains, or any one of a number of other items.

Figure 7 The results of the search method.

Special thanks to Rob Raguet-Schofield for providing the initial figure of randomized vectors, without which none of this would have been possible. Nothe that these figures are meant as a tool for explanation and may not be to scale. Please feel free to point out any questionable methods or overwhelming dorkyness in the comments section.

Blago-Cake

2008-12-10T14:04:00.000-08:00

Blago-Cake

I was very excited to hear on the news today that Blagojevich got arrested yesterday, and to celebrate I decided to make a cake for Cara and the teachers whose pensions are no longer in danger of being stolen. Clearly I went with an AB Classic (Yellow Cake), which was slightly more difficult than it should have been.

First weigh all of the ingredients.

Cream together and weigh batter into each pan.
Top the layers.Make the icing w/ a ridiculous amount of sugarApply to the layersTada

Now you have your very own Blago-Cake.

The hardest part was clearly making the hamburgler-esque Blagojevich.

Here is the full recipe if you want to try your own.

Hunting FAQ

2008-11-23T16:26:00.000-08:00

Hunting FAQ

Ok, I apologize for the lackluster live hunting blog. After the first couple of posts I started having hardware problems and issues uploading pictures. That combined with the fact that I Shot a deer pretty early and then had to start backfilling, with no pictures, which all in all made for a bland dry blog (like so many turkeys this week). So to make it up to you I have “John’s hunting FAQ” Filled with questions mostly from my coworkers

Can I see your gun?
Certainly, I would love to let you know how it works and discuss gun safety and operation, sometime guys from work go out and shoot sporting clays, but not while people are drinking which is when I am always asked.

How long do you have to wait to get a deer?
It depends on a lot of things, mostly luck. The prime times to get a deer are around sunrise and sunset. Usually you hit the tree stand just before sunrise and stay until 10:30 or 11 in the morning, then head back out after 2 in the afternoon and stay till dark. So 1-6, 4 hour chunks depending mostly on luck. The past 2 years I have gotten a deer in the morning both times then went back out. The previous year I sat out for 3 days and did not see anything.

What do you do while you are waiting for a deer?
Aside from live blogging and enjoying the majesty of nature, pretty much the same thing I would do sitting in a doctors office for 4 hours. Bubble breaker on my phone, read some magazines, keep a watch out for deer.

How hard is it to see the deer?
It depends, if things are still they tend to blend into the background. However, the human brain has the amazing ability to spot and focus on moving things. It is all part of our innate carnivorous breeding, along with our sharp teeth, eyes on the front of our head and relatively simple digestive system. It is not that hard to see a single leaf falling at 100Yds, but it is very difficult to find a doofus in a red and white hat in a crowded picture.

Is it cold?
Yes. Some days more than others, but as long as you are sitting still 20ft up in a tree in Nov you will want a jacket. A couple of year ago I figured out that if you really layer up on your core then your body will not get as much vaso-constriction in your extremities, and your fingers and toes will not be nearly as cold. But you will also want to bundle those up, and your head.

Depending on how cold it is ranging between 0F and the mid 50s there are also hand and foot warmers available that contain powered iron and an oxidizer that reacts slowly and releases a small amount of heat. These are awesome if they are inside something insulated and they can get some oxygen. The ones in my water proof boots usually heat up quick then slow down as the O2 is depleted.

What safety stuff do you have?
Surprisingly shooting accidents are not the biggest cause of injury during hunting season. The #1 cause of deaths is heart attack, presumably from out of shape middle aged men getting a small amount of exercise. Number 2 is falling out of a tree. To combat this some hunters wear a harness that can then be tied to the tree. If the tree falls down you probably have other problems. Often hunters use a rope to hoist their gun into the tree to avoid dropping it or falling while climbing the ladder. I usually have a small first aid kit as well. And the most important thing is not to be stupid, which is sometimes difficult for all of us.

How old do you have to be?
Apparently, 10. This year one of the neighbors sons came along and shot a deer. He seemed kind of young to be out in the woods with a shotgun, but apparently he took the “hunters safety course”, so more power to him. I think he is required to be supervised by a parent, at least he should be.

Do the Lead bullets cause lead poisoning?
Hunting deer with a shotgun is not like hunting birds with a shotgun. Birds you want a dispersion of BB sized pellets since it is unlikely that you could shoot a moving bird with a single bullet. For deer the bird shot would not really harm them all that much, much like shooting them with a bb gun several times. Buck shot is available which is a larger BB but still does not have much range. Most hunters use a single “slug” that is the size of the gun and a rifled barrel that will give the slug some range. Still the range is limited compared to a rifle, which is why only shotguns are allowed in most flat states.

The conventional wisdom is that since the bullets pass through the animal or are pulled out in processing that the metallic lead does not have enough time to permeate into the meat. However, an article one of my friends recently sent me had evidence that small fragments of lead slugs may break off particularly if they hit any bone, and that those fragments could end up in ground meat, react with the meat. This year I have started using solid Copper slugs, just in case. More foul hunters are using steel shot instead of lead.

Doesn’t all of that orange make you stand out to the deer?
Like me deer do not see colors, also they are not very observant. They do have a good sense of smell and hearing. So it is more important that you are quiet and don’t smell good or bad.

So is that like free meat?
Hardly!
Depending on how you calculate it and how far you have to travel and how much time you take off of work, it can cost anywhere from ground round to top sirloin. But golfers spend about as much for a weekend of hitting balls, and all they do not end up with a shiny deer at the end. If one lived where they were hunting and did not need a hotel, and processed their own deer, and inherited a gun, and did not use many $2-$5 dollar bullets, it could be almost free.

Hunting Live Blog

2008-11-18T11:40:00.000-08:00

Here is the link to the rest of the photos... enjoy

Hunting Live Blog

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After a long day of sitting in the cold. We all adhourned to the property owners house to drink some cold beer and eat a variety of game dishes he and his wife prepared. One really could not ask more of a host.

112108 1500

I got to the deer about the same time as one of my hunting buddies Steve. After about 20 minutes of deer photoshoot (coming soon) Roger went to get the truck while we dressed the deer. I tied the legs to a fence post and was getting redy to start cutting when, Steve schh'ed me. He saw a deer 80 yds off in the woods. I did not see it, but after about 15 min he grunted in into about 30 yds in heavy brush. Just as he was figuring out a shot Roger and Mike came back with the truck and the deer trotted off.

We got my deer field dressed and used Rogers truck to to pull it out. It turned out to be an 8pt buck. Done for the evening I helped get things ready for dinner.

Sorry for the lack of updates, and pictures, I will try 1 more time to upload some, and cut me some slack it is hard to type when you are cleaning a deer :)

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After looking around where the deer was I did not see any blood. However after following the path the deer took for about 30 yds, I did find a blood trail. I followed it just over the ridge and there was the deer.

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I took a shot at a deer, but I am not sure I hit it. It was about a 6 point buck that was coming toward me through some brush. When I took the shot it rand through some brush and over a ridge. I will go down and check for blood in a little bit, and keep you updated.

On a sad note it appeas that my wireless signal is now low enough that Up loading pictures is kindof painful. I will upload what I have when I get back into town.

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I am informed my live Blog "sucks". I'll try harder wait for updates

112108 0730 BREAKING NEWS

There are som cows grazing on the ridge now, also the sun is shining in my eye, also "My gmail looks awesome".

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Well, it is just after 7 and nothing much intresting has happened. While it is definatly sub zero,@ least it is not windy, so i am not that cold. It probably helps that this morning I put on:

Long Johns, sweatpants, wind pants, jeans, cotton socks, wool socks, foot warmers, boots, 2x long sleeve Ts, sweat shirt, under shirt, coat, hood, hat, hunting hat, glover, and hand warmers.

And that isall i'll say about the cold, because as the youth know, "John charges you a dollar to complian about the weather. Here is a pict of me in the stand (only a matter of time until I drop my micro SD card in the woods), and a couple of the view from the stand.

Looks like it is going to be a cold one tomorrow morning. We usually hit the woods about 6am, so for those who do not like graphs that is about 22deg w/ a wind chill of 15. I have packed numerous layers of everything, but I can only assume I am going to be freezing my ass of. In looking for winter clothes I realized that we were missing numerous gloves. In a (vain) attempt to find and match them, I got out all of our winter stuff and spread it out on the floor. Sure enough there were 7 orphan gloves, some purchased as recently as last year. I put them in a box in case there mates ever show up, but I am not holding out much hope.

Now you can experience all of the fun of hunting w/ out the waking up at 4am, sitting in a 25 deg tree, and having cold water drip on you. With the magic of technology I will be live blogging from the tree this Friday and Saturday, starting early. So keep an eye for updates, and pictures.

Four Day Work Week

2008-11-11T13:18:00.000-08:00

Four Day Work Week

I love 3 day weekends, hey who doesn’t, but when you think about it what I really love is the 4 day work week. The knowledge that coming into the office and that tomorrow it is already Wed. Wouldn’t it be great if we could have a 4 day work week every week. Well it is actually quite possible. No no, I’m not talking about working 4 - 10Hr days. That is even worse. I am talking about juggling a few things and making the work week, work for you.

OK, First a little math
How much does your employer expect you to work:
40 hrs/week * 50 weeks/year (-xmas and holidays) = 2000 hrs / year

Now what if hypothetically there were only 6 days in a week. We will get rid of Mondays, you are welcome Garfield.
Well first of all instead of 52 weeks there would be 365.25 / 6 = 60.88 lets call it 61
Now we will give you your holidays back making it 59.
2000 hrs/year / 59 weeks/year = 33.89 hours/week

Wait for it…

So if we take our 33.89 hour work week and distribute it over our 4 day work week we get
8.47 hours per day for 4 days per week
Now that I can defiantly live with (I am often here that long anyway)

So now instead of working 5 out of 7 days of the week you worked 4 out of 6. As an added bonus no one will ever say “Sounds like someone’s got a case of the Mondays” again.

Ok so we are agreed, but wait now that we have settled all of that we can use this opportunity to clean up the calendar a little. Give February back the days that were stolen from it by the Roman Emperors (I’m looking at you July and August), and all of the months can have 30 or 31 days.

Now that we have fixed the calendar, it is time to fix this Daylight Savings Time mess.

I have yet to meet anyone who was overly excited about DST, and almost everyone’s opinions range from mild annoyance to utter disdain And what does it really accomplish anyway. We shift everyone’s schedules twice a year and now suddenly it is pitch black at 4:30 pm in the sinter and stays light till 9 in the summer. There has to be a better way

First to dispense with a myth, farmers hate DST, because any livestock they have is unaware of the change and does not really want to change their eating schedule, so if anything they just ignore DST and keep on the same schedule.

Second, I don’t really have any problems with getting more daylight in the evening as much as I don’t like changing all of the clocks in our house twice a year, as well as adjusting everyone’s sleep schedules.

Maybe we should all just pick a time and stick with it. For that matter does it really even matter what time you get up in the morning. Maybe a more suitable solution would be to shift our schedules to the daylight and not our clocks. It doesn’t really matter is the sun comes up at 4:40 or 6:30 if you are going into work at 11. So we should set the local schedules to what best fits the area.

This raises an interesting point, since we could change our schedules to our daylight hours, why do we really need time zones at all. Aren’t they really just another confusing layer of complication on top of everything else we are dealing with?

“Oh your meeting was at 2pm EST you are an hour later”
“Your flight from NY to LA will last 45 min but the one coming back will be 8 hours”
“Damn I set 30 rock to tape at 8EST not 7CST”

What if we were all on the same time, some standard time that is already programmed into all of our computers, maybe GMT. Now all of those useless flight calculations would be unnecessary. 5pm in Chicago would be 5pm in NY and 5pm in Tokyo. We would not have to have multiple clocks with different time zones there would be 1 time zone to rule them all. Our schedules would shift , but after the initial weirdness of the sun coming up at 11pm there would be no more changes…

Until, we finally switch to the metric system in 2047.

A House Divided…

2008-10-22T12:14:00.000-07:00

A House Divided…

The other week when we were at the farmers market Cara noticed that the Champaign Democrats were selling Obama signs. Against my urgings she got one for the yard. I was however very adamant that I wanted equal representation.

My first step was to look on the “interweb” to find the Champaign Republican headquarters. Several addresses were given on different sites including one near art mart in Lincoln Square Mall (the mall). After looking at the addresses with no success, I tried calling the listed number. I got the voice mail and left a message requesting a sign. A few days later I went to the address from the message, which was a law office. I the back room w/ no distinguishing signs denoting it as the headquarters for a county of 200,000±, a nice woman told me that they were out of signs and probably would not be getting any more.

Somewhat discouraged both at the state of the party in Champaign Co and my distinct lack of a sign I returned home, and informed Cara that she could put up her sign. Fortunately, 2 days later I received a call that they had gotten another shipment of signs and I could pick mine up whenever it was convenient, and while I know we are canceling each other out, so are 100M other Americans, and at least we can do it in style.

Sayonara Bush

2008-10-15T12:49:00.000-07:00

Sayonara Bush

Wait Wait, before you head to the comment section (like you always do), this is not anything political. However, I’m sure Cara would love to make a corollary. This is the complement to the "popular" blog article “Tree Planting Tips and Ginkgo Facts”. While we still love the Ginkgo and it is settling in quite nicely. There is a bush in front of our house that Cara hates. After some discussion I finally agreed that we could get rid of it and replace it with something nicer.

The first thing we did was hose the whole think down with roundup, and don’t get chincy. Sure enough a week later it was dead as a doornail. I gave it an extra week just to make sure it was dead all the way down to the roots.

Then I wrapped the base with a tie down strap and hooked it up to the hitch on Old Blue (the Saturn). While Old Blue held some tension on the bush I cut roots around the perimeter with a shovel. I hopped in and gave it some gas, and pop went the tie-down. Fortunately, in typical Gutzmer fashion I happened to have a professional 4” tie-down left in the garage.

The “trucker grade” strap did the job and drug the bush out into the driveway, along with most of the rocks. After it was out I wrapped up the top part with the broken strap and took a chain saw to the base. Now we have a delightful fall decoration for the front of the house, and in the spring we can plant a new box hedge.

Note: The optimal means for pulling plants out of the ground with a vehicle is to put a wheel hub from a discarded tire in front of the plant and to put the strap or chain over that so that you are pulling up instead of sideways. I did not have any old wheels laying around.

I have completely given up on signing my name for credit cards

2008-09-30T14:25:00.000-07:00

I have completely given up on signing my name for credit cards

At some point in the recent past I realized that the checkers were not looking at my signature at all let alone the back of my card. Most of the time you do not even give them the card. So I decided that it was no longer worth it to try to write out my name as sloppy and pixely as it was, and just decided to throw down a scribble. The scribbles have evolved and now I have a few standards. I guess those are my signature now… Maybe I should put them on the back of my card..

In addition to those I also have some special holiday signatures that I can endeavor on the highly accurate touch pad. Since I have started I have gotten several remarks from checkers that they are going to stop signing receipts. A few have given me a look especially when I throw down something like this.

However, NONE of them has asked to see my card or license. Maybe I am just that trustworthy or maybe they just don’t care. Either way, the credit card signature is officially no longer a security measure of any kind.

Thanks for reading

Homoerotic Splash Screen

2008-09-03T08:40:00.000-07:00

Homoerotic Splash Screen

I was installing some software for the Casting group today and this is what comes up whenever you launch the program. I am not really sure what this program does, but I want nothing to do with it. Leave it to the Germans to make a splash screen that makes all of its users slightly uncomfortable about opening it at work.

Guide to Unfamiliar / Interesting Olympic Sports

2008-08-26T13:45:00.000-07:00

John's Guide to Unfamiliar / Interesting Olympic Sports

People have told me that has been a while since I updated my blog. I guess I hadn’t noticed since I was so busy watching the Olympics. Any way since I’m sure I have been watching way more Olympics than you have I will be happy to fill you in on what I have learned.

1) Dressage
Do you like horses, riding horses, and watching horses prancing around in circles. Then this is the sport for you. Basically a horse rides around in a particular pattern prancing and walking at different times. The whole thing takes about 5 minutes and then another horse goes. I am not sure how many horses there are or if there are multiple rounds, but this goes on for several days. Fortunately, it is mostly relegated to the Oxygen channel “the lowliest of Olympic networks”. At the end medals are given out to the riders, and presumable some delicious horse treat is given to the horse.

You may think this seems incredibly boring and is not really worthy of being called a sport. You are correct. However, it is somewhat hypnotizing. After watching 3 or 4 hopefully your spouse will snap you out of it, and you can go back to beach volley ball.

And the Dressage Gold goes to: Some lady on a horse

2) Beach Volleyball
Beach volleyball is the 2 person cousin of court volley ball. The big difference is bikinis, and ratings. Now the network feels obligated to also show a fair amount of men’s beach volley ball, but if you look at the schedule, when they want to reel in the viewers they always go for the girls jumping in bikinis. Fortunately, for NBC this is a lengthy tournament so they can put in on in prime time for at least 30 min a night.

Like most of the other sports invented in the US, the US is always in the running for the Gold, but apparently in some attempt to prevent the US from sweeping the volleyball medals every year Brazil has some sort of death match round robin tourney to produce some teams of their own. Anyway it has all come down to the final match in Women’s beach volley ball. It is the US vs. Brazil. The radar calls for rain in the afternoon, and you have to choose between the red bikini or the white bikini. This could have meant the game, but fortunately the US made the right choice w/ the white bikini.

And the Beach volleyball / wet T-shirt gold goes to: Walsh/May-Treanor

3) Trampoline
Hey remember when you were a kid and you went over to your friends huose with the trampoline with the exposed springs and the jagged lawn chair just within jumping distance. Well it turns out all of that pinched skin in rusty springs and canvas burns were all part of the buildup to the big event… Olympic Trampoline.

I know, I know, ever since I was a toddler being crushed by kids 5 times my size I knew I had a gift on the trampoline, and now it turns out I could be an Olympic champion. Well, It turns out that the Olympic trampoliners are much better than I ever imagined anyone could be. But on the other hand it still seems like a pretty standard trampoline, and with some practice and dedication, how hard could it be.

And the Trampoline Gold goes to: He Wenna?
Come on! How could some American kid not win this? It is like the American dream.

4) Trap Shooting
Ok, so this one only made it because I went trap shooting last week and thought I was doing pretty well for not having been in a couple years. This was a completely different sport.

When I went you would launch a couple of pigeons (clay, calm down) to see where they were going to go. Then you would point your gun there, tell one of your friends to launch another and shoot at it. It usually hangs in the air for a couple of seconds while you aim it up and pull the trigger. If you like shooting stuff, but not cleaning small animals I highly recommend it. So, it sounds pretty easy, but even with my skills I only got less than half of them.
Olympic trap shooting is nothing like that. First the pigeons always shoot out in some random direction, Second, they go fast. If you blink it is gone. Also they kind of explode when you hit them. I assume that is something the Chinese added (they love fireworks). Oh and the other big difference is that these guys are good. For instance the winner only missed 4 out of 125.

And the gold medal goes to David Kostelecky from the Czech Rep.
Surprisingly off all the shooting the US only got 1 Silver in air rifle (I did not see that one, but I assume it is like a bb gun, in which case I would be awesome). I assume this is the result of gun control laws, which clearly they do not have in Czech.

5) Sync Swimming / Diving
Ok the networks are calling for more sports with people in form fitting swimsuits. What are you going to do? The answer is clear. Take some of the swimsuit sports that you already have, add another person and call it Synchronized. It seems like that is pretty much the only difference in the diving. Now there is an extra person jumping off the high dive, and they get some extra points for looking the same (advantage China). Unfortunately, this made up a large bulk of the middle of the Olympic coverage. At some point you have to say, this is all very interesting and for some strange reason I am becoming an expert in judging diving, but isn’t there something else going on, and there is.

Unfortunately, it is Synchronized Swimming. This is pretty much just water ballet, but if they call it swimming so they can get medals for it. It is really one of the least interesting sports in the Olympics (right after Dressage), and like all the Olympic pseudo sports it is judged. So the results are entirely subjective (see rant below).

And the Gold medal for Sync Diving goes to: China
In fact China won all of the gold medals for diving except 1 (eat that Michael Phelps)
Sync Swimming surprisingly went to Russia [shrug]

So all in all it was a very informative Olympics. I learned a lot about new and interesting sports, and even felt compelled to prove myself on the badminton court recently. It is certainly an investment in time, particularly, with the broadcasts running live every night until 11:30 or 12. At one point Bob Costas was giving out “Olympic Hangover” tips, including drink lots of fluids and wear sunglasses to hide bloodshot eyes.

A few more observations before this gets long (tooooooooooo late)

If you have any of the Olympics taped you should defiantly go back and watch the men’s gymnastics again, only this time put “That’s what she said” after everything the announcers say.
“Oh, this next one is going to be really hard.”
“Now be sure to watch his hip angle on this insertion.”
“Wow, he really stuck it right in the mat.”
It goes on and on. (thats what she said)

We need to do something about these subjective sports. I think it is clear that as these sports become more and more competitive, that the margins of victory become slimmer and slimmer. Michael Phelps won one of his races by .01sec. Just to put that in perspective, for his 100m in 60 seconds that is about 1.6cm or 0.01%. How can we expect gymnastics or diving to be able to determine the winners and losers when even a margin of error of 5% (it is probably more) is 300 times as much as the potential difference in abilities.

Right: What diving scores should look like based on ability and fair judging.

Left: What diving scores actually look like

The typical data set for the smallest of surveys or statistical analysis is 100 data points. The typical data set for a diving or gymnastics score is 5-7. It is a statistical certainty that with 5-7 datum that over 100 or so contestants that at least one median score will fall outside of the first standard deviation. Even when you drop the extremes, It is a definite that some of the athletes got screwed and some were unfairly elevated. And that is just the math assuming that there is no bias by the judges (there is). Perhaps we should have hundreds of preselected judges around the world watching the events on their TVs and voting from home. 121M people elect the president, 1B elect the American Idol, why do only 5 elect the gymnastics champion.

On a sad note it seems like this may be the last year for softball and baseball., two sports that have been received very well in other countries. I am not sure why they IOC choose to remove these, but it seems foolish to take out a popular team sport, in favor of any of those listed above. It seems like unless you are wearing a swimsuit your sport will not receive much coverage. Maybe if women’s softball was played in bikinis it would have held a better chance of holding on as an Olympic sport.

I Dream in 16:9

2008-07-23T15:28:00.000-07:00

I Dream in 16:9

Last night I had an interesting dream…

It started with me in a helicopter. I was throwing Guerillas out of the back of the helicopter. Then 2 of them grabbed me and threw me out. Fortunately, I landed in 18th century England. Unfortunately, I was in a sword fight with Angelina Jolie. She was pretty good, but she was also quite pregnant which helped me out. At one point we stopped to have some tea (as they do in England I assume). She put a half shot of gin into her tea, despite my objections. The sword fight continued and eventually I lost. The dream closed with Oasis “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” (alarm clock version).

The interesting part is that the dream me checked the IMDB for my dream. It had some Italian title (I don’t know Italian), and it received 6/10 stars (that’s fair). Here is my vague recollection of what it looked like:

Buono, il brutto, il cattivo, Il

Overview:

Director: John Gutzmer
Writer: John Gutzmer

Plot: Series of short clips pieced together into a story to clear the mind of thought and process information into long term memory.

Cast:
John Gutzmer ... Himself

Angelina Jolie ... English Matron

Goof: In the Helicopter scene John is seen throwing people out of one side of the helicopter, and in the next shot it is the other side of the helicopter.

Trivia: John Gutzmer’s bed is made of individually wrapped springs with a 2” layer of memory foam. In the winter a down comforter is added
DrX27: The AMA does not consider sword fighting an acceptable activity for pregnant women

Jefferys42: The AMA also suggests not drinking during pregnancy (clearly this dream is not AMA approved)

DreamWeaver98: During the 3rd trimester small quantities of alcohol have been shown to have little effect on developing babies. The real problem is why would anyone ever put gin in tea. That is just disgusting.

DrX27: Dreamweaver, is an idi0t. Alcohol can have an effect on babies throughout pregnancy and half an ounce of hard alcohol is too much. The third Trimester is important for prenatal neural development, and alcohol can significantly effect that.

Hef2020: I think you guys are missing the fact that this was a horrible dream. The plot did not make sense, the characters actions did not make sense, the time traveling was not explained nor was the sword fight… WORST DREAM EVER.

DreamWeaver98: The real danger here is the sword fighting. The drinking is also dangerous but really secondary to the sharp blades flying near the baby.

Smokingbabe77: Meet hot singles in your area at http://www.meetsinglesn0w.com/

UberUder: This was certainly a horrible dream, but by no means the worst dream ever… Have you seen Jim Gladstones “mime cops”? That had no redeeming qualities whatsoever. At least this had Angelina Jolie.

So what “dream interpretation” can I get form this:
1) I have probably been looking at too much imdb
2) I should probably avoid Angelina Jolie… and swords
3) I should probably stop putting gin in my tea.
I also appreciated that my dream contained not only a flame war, but an advertisement. I need to spend some time away from computers.

Batman Dark Knight Review

2008-07-22T14:08:00.000-07:00

Batman Dark Knight Review

Last Thu we went to the midnight showing of the dark night. We got there about an hour early so we would have a good spot in line. However at that time an hour before the movie started the line was already around the side of the building. 20 min later it had made it to furniture warehouse, and by the time they had opened the doors it has come back up the sidewalk and circled around in front of the theater where we were standing. Counting the people who had made it inside the line was easily 400m long. I had guessed about 1500 people.
Once we got in we found out from the staff that all of the screens would be showing the movie so we just picked one. It was late starting (I assume because they were not expecting that ridiculous # of people showing up), and due to a misprint on imdb in ended up being 152min instead of 142. So was it worth staying up till 4am on a weeknight… Abso-fucking-lutly.

Everyone has been talking about how awesome Heath Ledger was, so I am not going to mention it at all (though it is true). If you would like to read more please see one of the 1000 other blogs on the topic. However the depth of all of the characters in this movie was truly astounding. It seems like all of the action movies I have watched lately have had such flat uninteresting characters that I have been bored beyond belief. Batman shows a lineup of characters who each possess the raw humanity that you do not see much.

How about some compare and contrast:

Joker (ok I guess I lied)
Jack Nicholson plays Jack Nicholson as himself (dressed as the Joker). Have you noticed that every character that Jack plays is exactly the same (crazy, neurotic, same voice) I am starting to think that is not so much the character he is playing but just who he is. Even at the Oscars he has that same creepy vibe.
By stark contrast the Current joker is dark, creepy, menacing, and a definite departure for the actor. This is the reason for Coulrophobia. Ledger makes John Wayne Gacey look like Bozo, and makes Bozo look like Nicholson.

Two Face (spoiler alert)
Remember Tommy Lee Jones as Two Face that lovable tramp with the pink makeup and the outlandish hair. No? Neither does anyone else. If they even saw that movie. This was a low point for a Batman franchise that had reached new lows with each iteration. This was the embodiment of a one dimensional character trying to match wits with Jim Carey playing Jim Carey as himself (dressed as the Riddler)

The Dark Knights Two Face again is so complex many may not even see it coming. Plunged from a respected agent of good, by a tragic loss, into a dark vigilante, this character and Batman beg to have a compare and contrast paper written by middle school children.

Rachel Dawes
Katie “sure.” Holms Raw acting talent had only begun to be tapped when she decided to make a sharp career turn into Tom “I’m crazy” Cruise. Still no one expects much from Batman’s Love interest. Whether it is Kim Basinger, Nichole Kidman or someone else Tom Cruise has dated they are mostly there to look pretty and get into some sort of predicament.

Maggie Gyllenhaal has the natural good looks and acting talent that have eluded Batman and Bond girls alike for decades. It is nice to see a woman bring something to Batman that is not just another pair of lifeless eyes reading their equally lifeless lines.
Don’t you agree Katie Holms?
“sure.”
Well, before I start to bore you (toooo late). What I really liked about the film were the themes of life and death, vengeance and protection, chaos and order. All of these were woven together into a story that was less of a comic adaptation and more of a morality play meets explosive gangster film. I think this movie would have been just as good without any makeup and without any gadgets or explosions. Don’t get me wrong I love gadgets and explosions, but in this Batman they were simply there to further the plot of the movie. They were not the movie.

By the time the movie was over at 4am I left a happy camper. It may have just been the sleep deprivation, but this was by far the best Batman of the series and one of the better movies I have seen in the last couple years.

"Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now...and so we'll hunt him, because he can take it. Because he's not a hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector...a dark knight. "

I ♥ KitchenAid

2008-07-14T09:18:00.000-07:00

I ♥ KitchenAid

Six years ago for our wedding Cara and i got a KitchenAid mixer. It has served us well over the years it has a PTO (Power Take Off) for the many attachments that I bought like the cheese grater and the meat grinder. We had a lot of good times and ground a lot of cheese, but about a month ago it finally gave out. I was making some oatmeal cookies and a small poof of smoke came out and it just stopped.

My best efforts at resucitating it were unsuccessful. There was a large high power transistor that I considered replacing, and [unsurprisingly] they did not have anything suitable at radio shack. I decided that before I started de-soldering and ordering transistors off of the internet I would call to see in the help line coule do anything for me and my 8yo mixer.

They did verify that it was indeed out of warrenty and then asked me several questions about what I was making...

Karen: How many cups of flour did it have.
John: I don't know about 4... I could look it up if you want the exact number
Karen: Could you
John: (clickety click) [recipe] 4 and a half (double recipe)
Karen: What speed were you using
John: [Shrug] 5?
Karen: Hold on let me talk to some people...
...
...
...
Karen: Well because that is out of warrenty we cannot replace the mixer with a new one.
John: Ok
Karen: But, we can send you a refurbeshed model if that will work
John: OK...
Karen: We don't carry the Epicurean model any more.
John: OK?
Karen: So we will have to give you the Professional 600 model. It is similar, but it has a 600W motor (instead of 475W) and it has a bigger bowl and a better drive train.
John: OK!

Karen went on to explain the shipping details, at which point I did not really care how much it would be to ship. And how much was it to ship? $0 both ways. I was somewhat amazed. She also said that they were backordered (whatever) and that it would probably be a couple weeks and to call after 3.

The 3 weeks went by and called to see how much longer it would be. They said that they were still backordered for the refurbished models, but to give it another week. Two days later I got a brand new Pro600. I am not sure how or why.

Long story... (ok still kind of long). I made some whipped butter topping for an apple crisp and the new mixer is great. Although Cara did mention that is sounded like a jet engine was about to take off on our counter. So the moral of the story is when you get married you should register for a kitchenaid mixer.

RIP Mixy 2000 - 2008

Tree Planting Tips and Ginko Facts

2008-06-19T07:27:00.000-07:00

Tree Planting Tips and Ginko Facts

We got a new ginkgo tree to replace our dead dogwood that we planted last year. After some research (me walking around our house with a compass), I finally figured out that the problem was that our house sits about 5 º and that was why it was only getting a couple hours of sun a day. So after I stopped by Prairie Gardens and impulse bought a tree I realized that I still had to get it home.

I did get a lot of looks and even some honking and waving, and then I remembered some MacBeth

Be lion-mettled, proud; and take no care
Who chafes, who frets, or where
conspirers are:
MacGutzmer shall never vanquish'd be until
Great Birnam
wood to high Dunsinane hill
Shall come against him.

Well now I guess I also have that to worry about.

Here is my guide to planting trees (gleaned from several uncited websites, sorry Brett) mixed in with interesting facts about Ginkgos.

1) Choose a good location
This was obviously a problem for me last time so this time I turned to science/“the internet”.
I spent way too much time on this site and scoping out my yard with a compass ( I am sure the neighbors think I am crazy now), and eventually figured out that if I moved it over 3 ft that it would get full sun except a couple hours in the morning during June and July.

Ginkgo trees are dioecious (They have male and female trees)
The male trees are relatively odorless, while the female trees produce a fruit that smells like rancid butter. This is a stark contrast to the Gutzmer house where if anyone smells like rancid butter it is the male.

2) Dig a BIG Hole
The whole should be about 3 times the total diameter of the root ball (at least twice) and about twice as deep (at least 1.5 times). This will give the roots some loosened soil to spread out into and help with drainage and watering. Oh and save the top soil separately from the clay especially in if you are in a new development like me where there is only 4-6 in of topsoil. I got a little carried away on the digging

Ginkgo’s are one of the oldest living species.
The date back more than 270,000,000 years, well before the dinosaurs who did not even make it around until somewhere around 50M years later.

3) Backfill the hole with the topsoil
Remember all that topsoil that you dug out and kept separate?
Throw that into the hole. Fill it up so that it is about the depth of the root ball (plastic pot). Tamp it down so it is not too loose. If there is excess air caught in there it could cause mold.

Ginkgos are on the endangered species list.
It’s true. I know it seems odd that I could purchase them so easily within a mile of my house, yet it is fairly well documented. So in a way I am helping to preserve a species at the brink of extinction. I guess that gives me more incentive not to kill this one.

4) Set the tree and fill around with more topsoil
Pull the root ball out of the pot. Set the tree firmly in the center of the hole and get it pointed in the direction you want it to be. Make sure it is vertical and facing the direction you want it to face. Now loosen up the root ball a little with your fingers or if it has especially tight roots around the outside use a fork some may tear it is ok it will get bound up if it is too tight. Now fill around it with more topsoil. If it looks like you are going to run short mix bagged topsoil with what you got out of the hole. This will be likely if you dug out much clay form the hole.

Ginkgo Trees are the only living member of their: Genus, Family, Order, Class, and Division.
For this reason they are often referred to as living fossils. Almost all Ginkgo relatives died more than 150 Million Years ago. They are noted by their fan shaped leaves with bifurcating veins and growth shoots.

5) Stake and stabilize the tree
Pat all of the soil down around the tree so that it is nice and firm without any voids. I like to get the longest plastic stake I can find and send it down adjacent to the trunk and as far as it will go. Then a little further into the hard clay. Then tie to the tree with some string twine or something that will not harm the trunk. If it will be in a windy area put stakes around the perimeter of the hole outside of where you were digging and tie those to the stake that is stabilizing the trunk.

Ginkgo trees can live for 1000s of years.
There are some monks in China that have some that are over 1500 years old. They are kept as a symbol of Buddhism and Confucianism.

6) Mulch and Fertilizer
Now that everything is set the tree is going to want some food. You can put some slow release fertilizer on top of the soil. If you want you can mix some in with the soil while you are filling in around the root ball. Fertilizer usually causes a rapid spurt of new growth. The new growth will not be as tolerant of harsh winter weather so it is better to fertilize in the spring/early summer not in the late summer or fall. In addition to fertilizer mulch will very slowly deteriorate and release nutrients into the soil. As an added bonus it will help to hold moisture in and keep the tree area from being a big mud hole.

Ginkgo Trees can loose all of there leaves in a single day.
Unlike other trees that may take weeks or months to loose all of their leaves, typical Ginkgo trees loose all of their fan like leaves over the course of 1-3 days. Before they start to fall they turn a bright golden yellow.

7) Water Water Water
Now you have everything planted and you are done right?
Not remotely. The first year watering is key especially if you are planting late in the season (hello.)
I like to really hose the soil down after the planting and tamp it down some more with my foot just to make sure it is all nice and compacted. After that trees like deep watering that promotes deep root growth. You can get one of those fancy bags they sell at the store or just drill a couple of 1/16 – 1/8” holes in a 5 gallon bucket, the smaller the better. Now you can fill that and set it over the tree. Move the hole closer to the trunk earlier to make sure the tree is happy during the transplant and further away after some time to promote root growth. Do that a couple of times a week for 2 years and you should be good.

Ginkgo Trees are especially tolerant of different types of soils, weather conditions, pollution, disease, and insects.
They thrive in urban areas (though they are still endangered), and can grow into very large shade trees (growing to 20-30m). They are so robust that 4 Ginkgo trees actually survived within 1-2km of the Hiroshima Blast. They were the only living things that survived that close to the blast and are still alive in the city today.

Be bloody, bold, and resolute; laugh to scorn
The power of man, for none of woman born
Shall harm MacGutzmer.

I'm watching you Elliot

The Spike

2008-06-15T12:55:00.000-07:00

The Spike

Last week Cara and I got a new tandem Tonino Lamborghini and after several missed deleveries and going to the scary FedEx Ground terminal to pick it up I finally got it home and put it together. The first test ride @ 1am was a little sketchy, and unstable. After I figured out that I had the front fork on backward it was substantially easier to get around on. also as an added bonus it was not hitting my shoe whenever I turned.

We took it on a 30 tour of the neighborhood on Tue (I did not want to get too far away from the house until after the test ride. Everything seemed good, but the back brakes were still pretty soft. I tightened those some more and hopefully everything will be fine.

I ordered some accessories on Thu off of "the internet". Including a computer so we will know what incredible speeds we reach and som lights for night biking. Hopefully they will be here next week. We rode the bike to church this morning and made pretty decent time. so you might see us more around town. If you do honk and wave. We will try not to swerve off the road or into your car.

Oh... the nickname... When we were discussing it I told Cara that I was going to order "this bike" (the one we had been discussing). She retorted with The Spike? This went on for some time.

Highlights from Oregon

2008-06-11T14:53:00.000-07:00

Highlights from Oregon

After the incredibly timely and incredibly long Las Vegas live blog, I figured that I would just summarize the Oregon trip in 4 brief highlights inter mingled with 4 interesting facts about Oregon.

Day 1
Highlight:
Well Day1 pretty much consisted of traveling. We flew out of ORD and arrived in Portland at around midnight just a short 3 hour drive through the mountains and we were there. I guess the highlight would be our new GPS that we got. When you are exhausted and on a road you are not familiar with it is very nice to have an overly helpful navigator always barking out directions. Also fun you can mount to the inside of your airplane window and see where you are and get all sorts of fun info about how fast you are going

Fun Fact:
Montana is huge… Seriously it is ridiculous. It took half of our trip just to fly over Montana.
Also Oregon is cougar country, so watch out young men.

Day 2
Highlight:
After sleeping in everyone finally made it up and went to the bouncy house. Basically just a bunch of those inflatable carnival games in a big carpeted warehouse. The Entry is $5 for children, but then adults can bounce for free… FOR FREE. Apparently they thought that the adults would be more interested in watching their children. FOOLS. Anyway after a couple of hours of running through the obstacle course and throwing young children around the bouncy things with reckless abandon for their safety I was kind of tired. Also I got sent to a time out by my niece. The time out consisted of bouncing with them in the bouncy castle the concept may be lost on them.

Fun Fact:
When you move to Oregon you are given a choice of 2 vehicles. 1) Any kind of Subaru 2) Pickup truck (a big one probably 4x4). There are still some stragglers out there, but it is only a matter of time before the overwhelming peer pressure catches up with them. Volvo’s may be substituted for Subaru’s with a written justification.

Day 3
Highlight:
In the morning we hiked to the top of pilot butte. It was a good hike and a great view. While we were up there the kids ran around aimlessly and then we hiked back down for nap time... sweet nap time. That night we went to an 80s party. Outfits ranged from elaborate Crocket and Tubs to 80 prom dresses to numerous 80s rock T-shirts Extra Credit was given OEM 80s wear. As a bonus my tight rolling skills were still as honed as ever, even on Caras bellbottom jeans(not meant to be tight rolled).

Fun Fact:
Oregon does not have any sales tax. So when you got to buy something that is $19.95 at Target your bill is 19.95. It is kind of weird buying stuff.

Day 4
Highlight :

We went to the park with the nieces and played on all of the playground equipment, and learned to count our way across the monkey bars in several different languages. I think I may have led the children astray on the German counting, but who really needs 11 of anything. Then there was a Sly and the Family Stone cover band in the park. We laid on blankets in the sun and took it all in while a woman on the stage in a white wig twirled and marched around to the music. I think she was with the band, but who knows. We ended the day with a cookout with Cara’s cousin who also lives in bend and her daughter and played “ladderball” “hillbilly golf” “boloball” that we had spent a ridiculous amount of time driving around trying to find earlier that day.

Fun Fact:
You are not allowed to pump your own gas in Oregon. It is all full serve by law. I don’t really know what the point is and it is kind of frustrating when you do not know what is going on and you just want to get some gas. Maybe it is some sort of job creation thing or maybe it is a safety thing, either way it was all kindof weird. Also do you tip the gas fillers? Should you get out of your car and talk to them? Do you get out of your car at all?
Excerpt:
Gas Guy (GG): What do you need?
Me: Gas?
GG: How much?
Me: All of it… Fill’ er up (I knew that phrase would come in handy eventually)
Me: (giving the gas guy a wad of bills) thanks.
GG: Uhh you have to take this inside with this ticket
I took the ticket inside with the same wad of bills. There was a group of about 4 people standing in the vicinity of the cash register. I asked them if they were in line and they said they were waiting to pay for gas (yet they were not doing anything). A couple of seconds later the cahier said #7. I looked at my ticket and there was a large 7 on it. I exclaimed “That’s me”, probably a little too loudly and w/ more excitement than anyone was used to. I paid and gave them the ticket, and then as I was walking away was informed that I needed to take the now stamped ticket back to the Gas Guy. [sigh] I had already moved my car, so I drove around the station lot a couple of times looking for the guy. All in all I would have rather just gotten my own gas.

The real question is what to the Oregon people do when they come to Illinois. Do they need some special instruction on how to pump gas when they get here. Well at least if I looked marginally retarded trying to deal with their gas system they will look equally retarded when they get here.

Day 5
Highlight:
We went out to breakfast in the morning and then drove back across the mountains to some wineries. We stumbled on a nice free one right at the beginning with an awesome view of the valley. Then we tried a few more that were not as good or closed. The GPS we got nuvi200w performed admirably for the entire trip, then as we were trying to get to one of the wineries it took us through the parking lot of another winery and then into the vineyard. The roads got smaller and smaller till eventually we were just driving through a field. I am sure that if we kept following it we would have gotten out eventually, but we opted to turn around. We ended up going to a different winery where there was a rather inebriated group from Boston. Nothing like a bunch of drunk asses to make you look like a responsible wine coinsurer.

Fun Fact:
The Portland airport has FREE wireless, and happy hour specials $2.50 microbrew pints, and $3 gourmet burgers… and happy hour goes from 5 – midnight. It is weird not to be screwed in the airport. But bottled water was still $3 so I guess it is all relative. Also note that if you are trying to check luggage with wine in it United will make you buy some stupid box to put it in.

Bonus Fact:
The Oregon flag has two seperate sides. The back side has a picture of a beaver, much to the shagrin of all Oregon middle school boys.

Billboards I Like to Argue With 1

2008-05-30T06:06:00.000-07:00

Billboards I Like to Argue With 1

Cara has often pointed out that I like to argue, sometimes just for the sake of arguing. It is a source of some frustration when I try to start a lively debate with her, and she is less interested in exploring the merits of the flat tax, or ground based laser defence systems. sometime I must take my ire out on less articulate opponents. So I present to you "Billboards I Like to Argue With"

This is a prime example of billboards that do not really make any sense and kind of piss me off. I will let the whole circa 1995 Jerry Sienfeld look alike contest thing slid and move on to the content of the ad. This is a guy who is clearly just starting out and wants to get his name out there. That is why his name is 6 times as big as anything else in the ad, with the possible exception of his gigantic head looming over that small town.

Then there is the tagline or Time Hoss's slogan. Real Estate the "Fairway"[sic]. Now I am not the grammar police. In fact they probably have a warrant out for my arrest, but I really have no idea what this means. I can only assume that he is some sort of golfer and this is a "clever" play on words. Perhaps he should have had some sort of golf club to clarify his message.

What he may be unaware of is that many people consider the use of quotation marks to imply sarcasm. In this case I would have to assume that 1) he mistakenly misspelled fairway, and 2) that he is a shady realtor who will do whatever backhanded things it will take to get the job done. He will lie steal and cheat to get you what you want in this fast paced real estate market. Ok, maybe I should give him a second chance. If I am buying something I would kind of like him to be an evil slit your throat Jerry Sienfeld. On the other hand what motivation does he really have to get me the lowest price it it is just going to bring his commission down. I am going to pass on your services for now, Jerry "Fairway" Sienfeld.

While that may have been a leap what I can actually infer from this sign is that this is a guy who is so interested in golf (and puns) that he put that ridiculous slogan on his sign. I can only assume that this will somehow bleed over into his work. Where is my realtor? Out playing golf. What are these open hose decorations? Golf balls and Caddie hats (I am not complaining about the BBQ meatballs on golf tees). Where is the closing? At the pro shop.

Whatever it is he is going for on this sign, he is not getting it across, at least not to me. Then again I am not an avid golfer. I really only make it out once or twice a year. Maybe it is an inside joke that only golfers get. Maybe he was so excited to get his enormous head looking down on the Barr Real Estate office that he hurriedly threw that up there with out really getting any constructive feedback. Either way I am going to go watch Caddyshack and see if I can't figure this whole thing out.

Cloverfield live review

2008-05-09T21:49:00.000-07:00

Cloverfield live review

Hey rememeber how crappy blair witch project was...
Well cloverfield is 2 leat 5 times as horrible.
Yes that is right I am exactly 23:36 into the movie and i have almost puked twice.
seriously this is the worst thig I can ever seen. Cut shots of random crap...
That is the best part of the movie.
then there is all of the first person camera evcuation....
I think I am going t puke...
PS we all realized like 20 min ago that HUD the main characters name is the name ofa Japanese movie characers name.... bleh

ok now I am going t throw up... cut shots and rapid camera angles. Yeah, just like Blair witch, excetpt horrible. Dood this it the worst thing have ever seen...
Well it is 34 min in and I am giving up... Ill leave the rest of these suckers watching the movie ... I am going to bed L8R

Vegas Baby... Vegas 3

2008-05-04T02:38:00.000-07:00

Vegas Baby... Vegas 3

040408 0242

Lesson of the night... never pay full price for anything in Vegas. So tonight we decided to take in a couple of shows and dinner. We got a package deal for dinner, some drinks an impersonator show and a trip to the top of the tower (more later). All told it was fairly cheap and a good time. then we had a coupon for another show later in the evening. We got all signed up and got all of our tickets, then Cara signed up for the casino rewards program. All we had to do was lose about $10 and then we got a free admitance to the "romance lounge" and a buy 1 get 1 drink ticket.

The impersonator show was pretty good (Elvis, Some Country guy, Rod Stewart, Agularia and, Michael Jackson). It had its highs and lows (I'll let you guess), but over all it was pretty good, and we got free drinks while we were there. The dinner was about what I expected. Then we went to the second show which had 6 things that John loves: Classic Rock, Magic, Acrobats, Vampires, and Light Show. After that we went up to the top of the tower "the tallest structure W of the mississsippi" It had some awesome views. We went to the romnce lounge which was a bar on the bottom of the wig sphere looking out on the city. the 1/2 price martinis were about as much as normal in champaign, but WTF its vegas, and you are really paying for the view. Well I have to turn off this horrible movie w/ freddie prinz and ving raims. L8R

BTW the wig sphere did not have any wigs but there was a wig store right out side... It is only a matter of time.

050408 2345
Tonight was a whirlwind night before leaving las Vegas. We went to see the fountians at the Belagio which were pretty cool and free :). Cara found some tickets to a free magic show that we were intrested in. I was skeptical ♫Nothing gets you nothing♫. As we approached the hotel which was off of the strip the density of people deccreased exponentially. When we got there the place seemed kindof shady.

We sat in the lounge and had a beer while we contimplated our next move. while we were there there was an older couple fiddiling with some sound equiptment on the other side. Behind us some woman one a small amount of money on a slot machine. Unfortunatly these machines did not actually pay out directly. She went to get someone to open the machine and give her the money. At this point the elderly gentelman got up and introduced himself his wife and his friend, and informed us that they would be starting the keroke now.

Exerpt:
Old man (yelling to the bar): "Hey can you turn that music off"
no response
Old man (louder): "HEY! would you turn that music off"
Old mans wife: "Honey I think it is the TV"
Old man: "HEY! would you turn that TV off"
Old friend: "I actually think it is one of those slot machines" (it was)
(Old man begins singing)
Epilogue: The woman who was playing the twight zone slot machine, after she realized that she was inadvertantly causing all of this comotion slowly packs up her things a cashes out. The bartender came over to give retrieve her winnings from the machine, or at least the remainder of her losings. The old man never realized what had transpired, but seemed happy that the noise was gone. Cara and I mad a hasty exit.

The whole experiance was kindof sureal, like we had some how entered some alternate retirement home version of vegas.

After that we went back to the strip for a delightful dinner at a parisian cafe in the Paris casino. It was probably the best meal we had the entire time and was very reasonably priced for Vegas. We waxed extatic about our time in actual paris and enjoyed the short respit from the hectic rush of the strip. Then we hectically rushed next door to a varity show we had gotten half priced tickets for. There were some pretty awesome jugglers, gymnasts, and some awesome short shows with some fantastic special effects, at one point I was slightly concerned the theater might burn down. After that we made a slow retreat to our hotel past the throngs of day labourers handing out prostituse playing cards (they may have been advertisments, i did not ask), and tried to get some shut eye for our long day of travel.

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This morning we made a 30 min trek to get some free Starbucks that Cara had a coupon for. I tried to point out that, while we were on vacation our time did still have some value, but it was nice to get some fresh air and excercise before being confined (not unlike the gymnasts) to a very small space for the next 10 hours. On the way back in I still had $10 in chips that I figured I could either lose or win big. I played couple rolls of craps, and a couple hands of blackjack and lost it in no time. I did not win a single hand in blackjack.

We tried to make one more trip to the lazy river, but alas it was closed. So we splashed around in the wave pool for a bit and then went to pack up. Caught our shuttle and hurried off to the airport. At one point going through the security area there were no slot machines around. The people in front of us commented on how quiet it seemed. I guess you get used to the constant clang of 1000 slot machines all clamouring for your attention.

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We made our flight with a few minutes to spare, and then on the connecting flight we had to run down an entire concorse get on a tram and then run down another entire concorse to jump on our plane just before it left. They closed up everything and pushed away from the gate...stopped... pulled back in... opened the luggage compartment... threw in our bag... and pulled away. We pulled into bloominton @ around 10 and our bag had indead made it. It took us some time to find the car. We had parked in the Itchy lot. We got to our car, and realized that someone had left the dome light on [sigh]. A nice gentelman helped us jump our car. Yeah Bloomington again.

So this concludes the vacation blog. I hope this has been as exciting for the 3 people who read it as it has been for us to write. OK lets hope it has been more exciting.

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Vegas Baby... Vegas 2

2008-05-03T09:49:00.000-07:00

Vegas Baby... Vegas 2

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We made it! After getting in to Vegas about midnight (2am to those on Central time) we partied till dawn...ok, we checked out a brew pub, then gambled away $3 at the nickel slots and went to bed. Looking out our window we can see a castle (Excalibur), several sky scrapers, and a roller coaster! John was excited that our hotel has a magic shop (sigh). John says the lazy river isn't in today's plans, but we'll see. The weather for Vegas for the next week will be 83-85 for highs and 65-67 for lows. The weather forcast had a big banner across it that said NO CHANGE. You don't see that much in IL! We'll come back with more adventures!

050308 1245 CST (1045)
So since we are still kinda on central time we should be getting an early start right... Maybe it is the getting to bed @ 4am. Anyway our plan is to mosie up the strip take it all in and maybe see a show. Unfortunatly Cara is not going to let me bring the laptop down the strip so I the next update may be late. Unless... I can sneak my laptop in Caras rediculously large purse. We'll see.

Anyway Here is the view from our room, and it looks like they fired up the roller coster... Well I know where I am going to be!

050308 (1525)
Well if took us about 4 Hours to puruse the 4 hotels that are adjecent to ours. We previewed some new show on NBC about a tutor to spoiled kids. We were going to put $10 on Colonel John in the Kentucky Derby, but I did not really know what time the race was, which was ok since the finished horribly anyway. This afternoon we are going to take the monorail ♫monorail monorail♫ up north for a show and the stratosphere (wig sphere). So far in the money losing race Cara and john are tied @ $-3.00

BTW we have picts up on picasa

Vegas picts

Vegas Baby... Vegas

2008-05-02T10:17:00.000-07:00

Vegas Baby... Vegas

Cara and I are heading to Vegas for a long weekend and to get away after her National board stuff. I thought I would include the 4 people who read my blog by posting frequent updates (live blagging) the trip. Cara is somewhat sad because she will be missing her Scholastic Bowl Teams appearance @ the state finals "GO Jaguars" but not sad enough to rearrange the trip. We have everything planned and we will be staying at the Monte Carlo (I assume it is in the shape of a giant car). We are not planning to gamble much as we each have taken a high school math class, and are aware of probability, but we will probably each get a small gambling stipend so we can at least have a competition. Lets call it $1 a piece I will post updates as to who is winning. We will probably see a show or 2, but have not made any definite plans yet.

Exciting future blogs to look forward to include:

Waiting at the airport

Layovers

more Waiting at the Airport

So check back often and I will keep you updated.

050208 1009

The weather graph looks frightful, but we will see how Bloomington fairs with keeping planes in the air. I happen to know for a fact that the planes that fly our of Willard are made out of some sort of sugar based composite because whenever it rains they cancel all of their flights, but I have high hopes that the planes @ BMI are at least wooden if not Alumnium... We'll see If it does get canceled / postponed @ least we can pop over to the Scol bowl (also in Bloomington).

050208 1242

More awesome transportation news I have been trying to call our pre-reserved trans from the airport to the hotel to confirm, and they have been putting me on hold for ~15 min and then I get dropped. So far I have been on hold for a cumulative 60+ min and have been dropped 5 times. Oh well I am pretty sure if they do not show up that I can figure out a way to get where I am going... It will be just like the amazing race w/out Jeff Probst.

050208 1349

"Good news everybody"

It looks like all of the weather has mosyied on, and the incredibly professional [sarc] AirTran website says our flight is on time. I got a hold of the shuttle lady and apparently we did not even need to call for an airpot pickup. Also with some help from me and the art teacher Senior Fernslero there are now life size pictures of Cara to go to the scol bowl tournement.

050208 1432

You know how sharks can sense fear. I think my users can sense when i am about to leave the office early or take a day off. I try not to let word get out but they all seem to swarm me 20 min before I am getting ready to leave.

050208 1630

Bloomington airport is Grrrreat!

We got in parked Checked in Checked our bags and got through security all in 30 min. Also I forgot to take my pocket knife out of my pocket.

Security woman "you can't take that on the plane"

Me "I know"

Security woman " but you can put it in this envelope and we will mail it back to you at the airports expense."

Awesome

050208 1903

Apparently our next flight is slightly delayed, but @ least the atl airport has a shit ton of electrical outlets. We went to a seafood resturant in the airport for some overpriced crab cakes and the worst forks ever. Seriously I went through 3 forks. I expect this from fast food, but if you are going to screw me on a pint of beer @ least give me a decent fork.

Cara says:

So I let John choose the restaurant....Cara 1 John 0. I too love Bloomington...free parking and short lines...what more can you want? Got some updates from the state schol bowl tourney. Jefferson won 1 and lost 2...to make us 19-3 for the season. I am super sad that I couldn't be there, but people have little sympathy for me when I tell them I'm heading to Vegas. We'll be in all 4 continental US time zones today, so that's something to look forward to. Tomorrow- Lazy river!

5^1 Things I have learned over the last 2^5 years

2008-04-24T13:58:00.000-07:00

5^1 Things I have learned over the last 2^5 years

(and things you shouldn't say)

So over 32 long years you pick up a thing or 2 that will inevitably help you out in life. Most of these are things that you already know. Lord knows I am making the list, but still miss some occasionally. So read carefully even if the benefits are not immediately evident sooner or later you will thank me, or have some horrible story about how you should have paid better attention.
0000000. Never say anything to any woman about being pregnant.

Even if you know for a fact that she is pregnant or are really sure she is pregnant. You never know something could have happened and now she is not any more, or maybe she has gotten some news about the pregnancy and really does not want to talk about it. Even if you are OK 95%of the time there is that 1/20 chance that you will have a woman who is totally pissed off at you, or worse she could cry. Either way, why chance it especially when she is chocked full of hormones.

Here is an idea you can ask her Some innocuous idle conversation question. "so how have things been with you?" Now if she wants to talk about being pregnant or tell you how things are going with the pregnancy she can. If she does not she won't, but best of all she is not pissed off at you... or if she is, it is for a different reason. If it helps just ask all of the questions that you really want to ask, but take out the words pregnant and baby.

"Have you been updating your house?"
"How has your health been?"
"Has your Husband been helpful lately?"
"Are you interested in finding out about sex?"... (strike that one)

"Man what was up with John and the weird questions."

The obvious exception is your siblings are open game for wild speculation and accusations. Especially if they turned down a glass of wine at dinner... Ah Ha!

0000001. Don't give people relationship advice

This one is really hard because you have so many opinions you would like to express. I know I do, but please keep them to your self. First of all never offer unsolicited advice. However, sometimes your friends come to you asking for advice about a troubled relationship. You really have only one move here. Quietly listen and offer your sympathy and support. Sure you
have seen how horrible their significant other is, and you know they should really not be together, but voicing that opinion will only lead to down one of 2 horrible paths. If they do not break up now you are the person who hates their soul mate, Now you have to wait for the relationship to end before you can be friends again. Or the best you can hope for is that they break up and you are the one who broke them up.

Either way, congratulations you are a horrible friend.

So what can you do? You can sway opinion just by actively listening, and impressing your body language upon your friend. You can say volumes by how supportive you are. After all if you are close enough friends that they are coming to you for relationship advice, they probably know you well enough that they already know what your opinions are. Now all you have to do is say "I understand your difficulties" instead of "You need to drop that loser and get yourself a real man (snap)". Also points off for "I've never really liked them" or "I've never thought this was a good relationship".

Exceptions will be granted for "abusive" relationships, after you complete the "losing friend : getting them out of the relationship" cost benefit analysis form.

00000010. Don't tell anyone a anything that you don't want everyone to know

So these last 3 all tie together so stick with me...these are not getting any easier, but this one is important because everyone regardless of gender sucks at keeping secrets. Look at it this way at some time everyone will have a failure to keep a secret. Sometimes it is intentional sometimes it just slips, but eventually everyone says something they shouldn't have. The MTBF (meant time between failures) will determine greatly how safe your secret is, but consider this. When that failure does occur now what ever group was around knows as well, so now instead of 1 close confidant, you have 5 (non-gender specific) gossips who also know. It should be a matter of seconds before whoever REALLY should not know finds out.

Screwed = (Pn * Gn * Gj)/(MBTF * Dg)
Pn = # People you told
Gn = # People in average group setting
Gj = Juiciness of gossip
MBTF = Average Mean Time Between Failures of the Pn
Dg = Graph distance from the Pn to the person who is going to screw you.
So as you can plainly see it is only a matter of time before you end up getting screwed, but to minimize your probability only tell your unpopular, trustworthy friends.

Unfortunately, YOU are included in the people who know, and are you really willing to trust yourself with that secret. It helps if you are forgetful, but whether it is only a matter of an hour until your life altering secret gets out, or it is 2 years till something that doesn't really matter anymore gets out, sooner or later all your friends will find out that you had peed your pants when you were 14. Crap I guess I should not have trusted myself with that one.

00000011. Don't Talk about other People

Yeah we all do it, but we really shouldn't. I don't think that statement will really come as a shocker to anyone. It is just so tempting to discuss the problems of our friends basic human nature really, and unfortunately that is the reason I can't ever tell you anything private (see above). The unfortunate part is that there is a decent chance whatever you said about the person will get back to them (they may or may not care). The problem is that by discussing and disseminating information about the woes of others it makes us feel relatively better about our own problems.

Einsteins theory of special relativity states that "The happiness of your own life is only as great as the crapyness of the lives of your friends (when viewed from a neutral plane)". That means that you could be having the worst day of your life, but it would not really matter as long as someone you knew was having a worse day. Conversely, any happiness you feel will only be muted by the happiness of your friends (see also Schadenfreude).

Jane "I don't feel good today, but @ least I don't have a huge zit like Mary"
Mary "I have this huge zit but @ least I am not grounded like Sara"
Sara "I am grounded, but @ least I am not mired in an abusive relationship with a man that I never really loved like Anna"
Anna "I may have problems but @ least I am not starving in Africa"
Africans "We may be starving, but at least we are not Gary Coleman"

So we all know that we should stop gossiping, but what can we do. I could just let it go and be mired in my own self pity for the rest of my life, but that does not seem very fun... does it. What advice can you offer oh wise 32 year old?

00000100. Accept everyone for who they are.

Wait wait, sit back down. Lets make an important distinctions. I did not say love everyone for who they are, or even like everyone for who they are. You are still allowed to dislike whoever you want. There is no universal personality who everyone will like, and you cannot really expect there to be. So that guy in the desk next to you who talks excessively, you do not have to be friends w/ him, in fact you don't even have to talk to him. All you have to do is acknowledge that, is who he is. It should be much easier to accept our friends since we already know most of their faults and can acknowledge them and either move on or find new friends. The point here is they are not going to change. Your friends, your enemies, your significant other, they are who they are and that is how they will stay.

But wait it gets better/harder. Note that accepting everyone includes yourself, and again I am not saying that you have to like your self, though hopefully you will, but you should get to know yourself (γνωθι σεαυτόν), and then accept yourself for who you are. Hopefully after spending some time with yourself you have come to like your self as well. Now you can be happy in who you are and do not have to depend on the misery of others. Although it is always there to fall back on.

An unfortunate side effect of this secret free, gosip free society I have single handedly created is that now conversation is somewhat lacking. Seriously what are we supposed to talk about. Well that is where being nerdy comes in incredibly handy. You have never met a nerd who didn't have some nerdy thing to talk about, how diesel engines work, the physics of earthquakes, insights about fuel economy. It is just like watching the history channel except in conversation form...

Oh, you are not intrested in dorky conversation...
Ok, sorry to bother you strangers in the middle of your lunch...
Please go back to your juicy gossip.

00000101. BONUS: John's Secret to making delicious sandwiches

Condiments, Condiments, Condiments.

Some people think the best part of the sandwich is the meat/soy, or the bread. Those people are wrong. All the possibilities, and potential lie in the thin layer just between the meat and bread. All the flavor, texture, aroma, all won or lost after the burger is grilled, or the chicken is Forman'ed

So what is the secret to condiment application? Simple, variety and quantity. Use as many different condiments as you can and don't start skimping. Use both sides of the bun there should be plenty of room. Spicy Mustard, mayo, relish, tarter, spice weasel, even ketchup, these are the flavor team, just a dab will give your sandwich some kick, so go ahead and use 2 dabs. Lettuce, onion, tomato, pickle, this is the texture team, they take what would normaly be a soft homogneous meal and give it crunch, jucieness, and bite. The tosted bun also plays for the texture team as well as an occasional Bo Jackson'esque appearence from potato chips.

Well there you have it, all that I have learned from 32 years of mistakes and foot biting. It has
had a few highlights and a lot of embaresing moments... and a lot of sandwiches. Perhaps there will be an update when I hit 2^6, until then you've just got more rants about zombies and 15 year old movies on this blog...
Sorry.

2008-04-21T11:27:00.000-07:00

Dogs suck at predicting earthquakes.

After last weeks earthquake I took an informal survery of the people in my office to validate or invalidate the belief that doggs can sence earthquakes before they happen and/or dogs are very sensitive to earthquakes. Below are the responces to "What did your dogs do during the eartquake.

"At first I thought it was one of my dogs scratching int the bed or something, but when I sat up they were still asleep and other stuff in the room was moving around. I figured it was an earthquake."

"When I got up to see what was going on my dog lifted its head and looked at me then went back to sleep."

"I went down stair to check on the dogsthey were either asleep or not that concerned."

"My dogs were going crazy for 20-30 min."
"Really before the quake."
"No after I got out of bed and woke them up."
"OK."

"I sat bolt upright in bed, my dog looked over at me like I was stupid."

Preliminary Conclusion:
Dogs do not have any earthquake ESP, also they are not particularly bright or aware of their surroundings, but are very loyal and love unconditionally (Warning: Love is expressed through licking).

It is still a very small sample size, so go ahead and add your earthquake dogs story in the comments. Maybe it is just special dogs that have "the gift".

My 10 Favorite (Inaccurate) Plot Devices (2 of 2)

2008-04-21T09:01:00.000-07:00

My 10 Favorite (Inaccurate) Plot Devices (2 of 2)

1) If you get hit in the head w/ anything you will be knocked unconscious and wake up 15 min later

Worse offenders:
Every Action/Drama ever made

This is key a key plot device to so many shows, that to take it away would rock the makeup of action shows as we know them. Basically the characters need a way to render their adversary unconscious for a period of time without actually harming that person. After about 15 min and up to an hour or 2 they will wake up with a headache and continue doing what they were doing. Variations include what they were hit with (frying pan, baseball bat, butt of gun) and what happens when they wake up (nothing, tied up, in some precarious predicament eg tank filling with beer).

The problem is that hitting people in the head is not really a science and even if it were, the inexperienced frying pan wielding co-ed would probably not be very good at it. There is a fairly fine line for hitting someone in the head and knocking them out. That line lies between: Making them more angry and causing severe brain damage or death. So judge your use of force carefully. For most of what you see on TV, that falls into the piss people off with no real effect range, which is good for the actors but bad for the potential rape victims.

Even more impressive is that even if you do hit someone hard enough to do some real damage. It is likely that they will not be completely unconscious just really groggy and out of it, and that will only last a few minutes. Fortunately it is also fairly likely that they will forget what they were doing just before you hit them, so maybe you can convince them that they were not trying to kill you. Either way they should probably get to the hospital for observation because it is also reasonably likely that they have a slow bleed into their brain that could cause some serious damage.

So just to recap head trauma in order of force:
1 Pisses off attacker
2 Stupor (groggy out of it)
3 Coma (knocked the fuck out)
4 Persistent Vegetative State (come on pick up a newspaper once in a while)
5 Locked in Syndrome (can process information but completely paralyzed including speech)
6 Brain Death (manslaughter conviction)

You are aiming for #3, but just like bozos grand prize bucket game there are no rewards for being only 1 bucket off.

And while we are on the subject:
You may want to consider where in the head you hit your attacker, as that will also greatly effect your chances. A good solid blow to the front of the head will be a lot more likely to get you a #1. If you hit too hard at the back / bottom of the skull that will likely get you a 4 or 5 (note this is the preferred bad guy pistol knocking location. The side of the head might be a good bet also since they can't see you coming, or instead of confronting them with a crudely fashioned weapon, call the cops on your cell phone and hide in a locked area.

2) AEDs magically shock people back to life

Worst Offenders:
Flatliners, Every Medical Show Ever

AEDs or automatic external defibrillators are kind of magic. Some studies have shown that if you are having a typical heart attack, and are defibulated within 5 min that you can have as much as a 40% survival / conversion rate. Those are people who 15 years ago would have likely died. The problem is not with what defibrillators can do, but with what they cannot do. Defibrillators cannot bring people back from the dead.

In fact the most common hospital use on TV the beeping flatline (asystole) and shock back to life, that does not happen. What Defibrillators do is to take a heart that is basically having a freakout, and slap it so that it can snap out of it and get back to what it was doing. The hearts electrical system is kind of like bouncing a basketball. The electricity starts at the top of the heart (AV node) moves through the heart making the top squeeze. Then it bounces off of the floor (SA node) and comes back making the bottom squeeze.

That is the over simplified explanation, but even then can you imagine after bouncing the basket ball a billion times ≈20 years worth. Occasionally the heart will lose its place and instead of a nice steady basketball it will be like 100 little bouncy balls all bouncing around. Other times instead of a nice steady rhythm it will lose control and start going way to fast (Harlem globe trotter style). Either way what it needs is about 300J of smack down. It stops for a second resets and goes on its merry way. Meanwhile back in the real world you are loaded in an ambulance and a doctor tells you to get in shape. If there was not a heart beat in the first place there is nothing to reset and you are probably dead.

The other big problem is that if you have been shot, or had any other sort of trauma (ie some jag bag hit you in the head w/ a 2x4) the defibrillator will not help at all. In fact you should not even put it on. Traumas are just another small part of the huge list of ailments for which the AED will have no effect. They are very good at what they do and getting better all the time, but that is all they do, reset the basket ball.

And while we are on the subject:
Makeshift items cannot be used as defibrillators. Even in a pinch, car batteries, extension cords, and computer monitors CANNOT be used as defibrillators. Also defibrillators cannot be used to jump your car or revive slowly dying robots. Sorry johhny #5

3) If you shoot a hole in an airplane everything will get sucked out

worst offenders:
True Lies, Airforce 1, Snakes on a plane?

This is another one where people may find it hard to believe, but most airplane manufacturers actually try to make their planes as safe as possible, and that includes not making them suck out all of the passengers and seats and eventually disintegrating upon being shot by a small caliber bullet. In fact military planes have been getting shot at for years, and many of them manage to survive with numerous holes in them. Some even continue in service with a little patching and a good once over.

So what would happen? Well if the shot the metal depending on the bullet it may or may not make it through the inner and outer shell and if it did it would just leave a small hole. the pressure would slowly leak out and depending on how fast those Oxygen masks might drop down (remember to secure your own mask before helping children). If they did shoot a window and it did break (again not a certainty) the seats by that window would be very windy, and you would probably want to move away from them, and again the O2 masks would come tumbling down. In either case you should be more worried about who has a gun and why they are shooting at people (damn TSA).

In either case the pilot would reduce altitude so your ears would stop bothering you, and reduce the speed so it is not as windy. Maybe the stewardesses would cover up the hole with something, if they were nice. You would land safely at the closest airport, and hopefully the jackass with the gun will be arrested. In either case the only thing that will be sucked out are your cocktail napkins and loose pages of your sudoku book.

While we are on the subject:
What ever you think of the TSA they are really trying to keep guns and explody things off of planes. That should help some, or at the very least we will not have to worry about a knitting crisis.

4) People are fragile and die very easily or not at all

Worst offenders:
Anything with Setven Segal, again w/ the Rambos

Have you ever noticed that when bad guys get shot in movies they always just fall over dead. No screaming, no laying on the ground twitching, just dead. This is another one of the clean baby myths that in order to keep the audience watching and not throwing up, you have to just pretend that a single shot will kill most bad guys with out much mess.

In reality people and most mammals are actually pretty sturdy. Now guns are very dangerous and could still very easily kill you but in terms of the places you may get shot there are really only 2 that are drop to the ground fatal. First is the heart, and even then it will have to be specific parts of the heart. The other is most of the head. Even with the head though there are many places that you could be shot and go on living for a minute up to forever. The rest of the chest and abdomen is going to be a minimum of 2-3 min of bleeding and gasping. Below the rib cage you could probably even make it to the hospital on your own depending on exactly what got hit on the inside.

Conversely, if you are the good guy or a particularly high up bad guy you can probably survive several shots without much concern. Fortunately you will likely be shot in the arm or leg (see bad guys suck at shooting). Clearly a day ruining experience for most, but you can brush it off and kill 20 or 20 more people with your bare hands

While we are on the subject:
Killing people with your bare hands is not as easy as it looks. One, usually they don't want to be killed, and two necks are surprisingly more difficult to break than a handfull of spaghetti. Perhaps bad guys in addition to their poor shooting skills and desire to be shot also have unreasonably weak necks. They should really get into another line of work.

5) If you hold a lighter to a sprinkler all of the sprinklers will not go off

Worst Offenders:
Die Hard, Lethal Weapon 4, Matrix, Changing Lanes

This one happens so often that you just assume that is how sprinkler systems work. It is not. 99% of sprinkler systems function on a thermal head activation system. That means that if there is fire under one head, that head will go off and put out the fire. If the fire gets bigger and hits another head that head will go off as well. I will not bore you with the details (toooo late), but suffice it to say most companies with 100s of computers do not want everything getting wet because some jag bag was dicking around with a lighter.

What will happen when you set off the sprinkler is that the alarm will go off and everyone will have to leave the building. However based on my recent fire alarm experience unless there is visible smoke about half of them will not do anything or will look around for what is causing the alarm to go off. So even then you might look out of place if you are running for the door, while everyone else is looking around blankly. You would probably have been better off pulling the fire alarm. Also, pulling the fire alarm has absolutely nothing to do with the fire sprinkler system, except that they both have fire in the name.

While we are on the subject:
The sprinklers are actually only designed for a certain # of head activations based on the size and type of building. If any more than that go off they will not be able to shoot out as much water, to the point where if they all went off it would probably be mostly just be a bunch of dribbling heads. Also do not pull the fire alarm unless there is a fire. Aside from being against the law it really pisses off the firemen.

My 10 Favorite (Inaccurate) Plot Devices (1 of 2)

2008-04-04T07:28:00.000-07:00

My 10 Favorite (Inaccurate) Plot Devices (1 of 2)

As I watch Die Hard for the 20th time or so it strike me how little reality comes out of Hollywood, and what is worse is it seems like the more realistic they try to make things the further off they get. Now, I don't want to be that guy behind you at the theater who is always saying things like "That would never really happen!", or "Geez I don't know how they let that slip through". So to avoid the unplesantness of hearing me say "geez" I will sumarize them here and then sit in quiet smugness everytime they come around.

10) Newborn Babies are Cute Cudely and Surprisingly Unslimy

Worst Offenders:

Lost, ER, any show where there is a power outage in an elevator

Nothing makes for a good dramatic moment like birthing a baby. It is a very tense situation with lots of screaming, anything could and if you are on screen probably will go wrong. Then at the end you have created... LIFE (tada). The problem is that newborn babies are not very photogenic. In fact, they are kindof disgusting, and as Americans we do not really want anything to do with the disgusting miracle of life. So as an industry TV and movies have decided to sanitize the whole process (maybe that is what all of that boiling water).

Warning! Disguisting facts of childbirth to folow...

follow links @ your own risk

Babies are housed in a sack full of amniotic fluid. At the end of th pregnancy this fluid consists primarily of the amniotic fluid that the baby has been drinking and peeing back into the womb, in addition there are some floaty things that hare been sittin in there for ~30 weeks, and sometimes even some meconium (you don't want to know). So there is about a pint of that and unlike the clear water that always lands on peoples shoes on the screen, in reality it is probably more like the used oil from your fry vat (ok my fry vat).

Then there is the actual birth w/ generally more of the same as well as a a good chance that the mother may evacuate their bowels a little, and lets say a 31% chance that they will have an Episiotomy (again you don't want to know). Then when it is all done the cut the umbilical cord a couple inches from the baby and secure it w/ a tiny chip clip, a little blood shoots out (really the least disgusting part). They suck some of the fluid out of the babies airway, and viola. Pan to the happy mother holding her beutifully pink perfically formed pristine baby. It all makes perfect sence, and as an added bonus the audience will not be heading to the bathroom to throw up... ahhh miricle of life.

Oh wait, now you get to deliver the placenta. Which will be substantially easier, but possibly even more disgusting. Fortunatly, we have already cut to comercial, and can leave that to the professionals.

And while we are on the subject:

Did you know that the rough trip through the birth canal can often leave the babies head looking kind of funny. Maybe a cone or maybe some other potato shape. Dont worry it will round out eventually everything is still pretty soft, and it does not really hurt them any, but just so you know. By the way all of this is really considering nothing goes wrong, this is just the normal level of bodily fluids that you get to deal with in the ob ward.

9) Any Computer File Can fit on a 3.5 Floppy disk

Worst Offenders:

The Net, Mission Impossible, James Bonds

I think if you have touched a computer in the last 10 years you know that this is simply not true. In fact most people have not even touched a floppy disk in 5 years. But for some reason they are still a mainstay in movies. Maybe it is the iconic nature of the floppy disk or the fact that movie producers do not actually use computers except for porn which is suprisingly floppy free, but there seems to be a substantial disconnect between what will fit on a floppy and what people put on floppies in movies.

Some things will certianly still fit on a floppy disk, there are many small items that could easily reside on the large disk that holds about .1% of what is on the memory chip in your camera. Encription keys, text files, phone numbers, even some, word documents, should all fit nicely. The list of things that cannot fit on a floppy include EVERYTHING ELSE. A single MP3 would take 4 floppies, a small video would take 20, even a single picture on a newer camera would take 2 floppies. The plans to youre secret evil lair would presumably take several floppies.

In addition to all of these shortcomings, the floppy disks actually break fairly easily. They are highly suseptible to water, bending, dirt, being crushed, and magnets. That last one should not be a big concern unless you are Magneto. So even after you bypassed the gaurds, defeated the security system, picked the lock, and rendevoused with the submarine there is a 50/50 chance that when you popped the disk into your apple 2E that you would get a whooping [segmentation fault].

And while we are on the subject:
Floppies are slooow, and I mean painfully slow. To fill them with your relativly small amount of data can take minutes or longer, not a good practice for someone who is being shot at or trying to avoid the guards. I remember when software used to be distributed on floppies sometimes 10-20 floppies and you would have to sit at the computer for hours painfully swapping disks on command, but at least then I was not hovering on some sort of chamber suspended from cables. Now that really would have been painful.

8) Bad guys suck at shooting (all of them) also they like to get shot

Worst Offenders:

Rambo, Clear & Present Danger, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Rambos

This is one of the most unfortunate coincidenses in TV and cinima, since typical bad guys spend so much time with firearms. Whether it be guarding a door, or defending their compound from a single renegade soldier, they will always have a gun. I bet it is at those points when they first hear the helicopters coming that they wish they had spent some small quantity of time at the firing range, but it is too late now. Harrison ford is running directly toward you and you could not hit the froad side of the barn. All you can do is close your eyes and shoot wildly... And now he is punching me. Could this day be any worse.

Now granted shooting stuff is harder than it seems (see #7), but if you have 100+ guys shooting at 1 guy with automatic weapons someone is going to hit him even if it is an accident. even if you were aiming at something else in the protagonist general vicinity there is a decent chance you will accidently miss what you are aiming for and kill him. Maybe in an even more menhical plot the evil overlord has given his men all blanks, so that... uhm. OK so bad guys just suck at shooting, but why do they keep getting shot.

Bad guys like to get shot. Maybe it is in their contract that if they take a bullet in the "evil" line of duty their family gets some awesome settelment, or if they don't die they get a big bonus. Whatever it is, the evil henchman are practically lining up to get shot. They cannot get enough of it. They don't bother hiding behind things, or shielding themselves in any way. $300 for a bullet proof vest thats crazy. Besides what are the odds that in my line of work Angelina Jolie will be busting the door down guns blazing. "What shes here now? How did she find our evil lair?" the worse news it that the more henchmen you have the more they will such at shooting an dwant to get shot. You should really downsize and invest ina decent training program.

And while we are on the subject:

7) Good guys can shoot anything no matter how far away

Worst offenders:

Fist full of dolars, Robin Hood, Rambos

This is really the converse of the bad guys suck at shooting, but it seems like good guys are great at shooting. If you need to shoot a rope from 500+ yards away call Clint Eastwood, if you need to shoot 2 guys at once with a bow and arrow, call Kevin Costner. It really dosen't matter what the weapon or what the target. Your protagonist should be able to hit it with precision accuracy, and then say something cool to boot.

Unfortunatly, from the small amount of shooting I have done it is not as easy as it seems. In fact it is pretty hard they even have competitions for it, and even if John McClane is a competitive shooter in his off time there are still things that substantially increase the diffuculty. for one if you are excited or out of breath holding something perfectly still at arms length gets substantially harder. That whole biatholon they have in the winter is based on this. Olimpic athelets ski around then shoot at stuff, and guess what even the good ones miss some of the targets. These are presumably people who are training every day.

If the target is moving it can be difficult to shoot. By the time you have your gun in position to start the aiming process it is probably gone. If it is moving in a path where p''(t) is not a constant, forget about it. Fortunatly most bad guys will just stand there menacingly ready to be shot. Take your time, take a few tries they are not going anywhere.

Finally pistols are not the prefered weapon for shooting things that are more than 20ft away. They are kind of nice if you need something protable because they are short, BUT because they are short they cannot really get the hig muzzle velocity, or the full effect of the rifling, and bullet stabilization. All this adds up to bullets that even when fired perfectly will not go as far and will not be as precise, but they do look pretty cool.

While we are on the subject:

Usually, when you shoot electrical devices like switches to open doors, they will not turn on enabling you to use your gun like a universal remote. They will probably just break, because they were not designed to be shot. Also if you shoot metal things there is a decent chance that the bullets will fly back and hit you, which I guess makes sence, because at least if the bad guys cannot shoot you you can accidently shoot yourself.

6) Everything blows up (most of all cars)

Worst Offenders:

Die Hards, Rambos,

Like most things on this list, this may surprise you. You have seen so many things explode on TV that you kind of take it for granted that the day to day things theat we all interact with on a regular basis are literaly (correct use) ticking time bombs. Your TV, your stove, chandeler, stop light, boats, planes, trains, tractor trailers, all waiting in the sidelines ready to kill you if you bump them too hard, or God forbid if a bullet hits them, and your car, your car is the worst one. From what I have seen anything could make your car explode in a enourmous fireball, killing everyone in a 20 yard radius.

In general the rules are: If you are in an accident you have until you are rescued + 15 seconds to run and possilby jump into the air as the car explodes violently, If you are not rescued you have about 20 seconds, if your car is shot if will blow up imediatly, and spectacularly.The thing is in this world many things are flamable some are even highly flamible, but virtually nothing we come into contact with on a daily basis is explosive.

It turns out that even the things that we count on to explode only do so under controled circumstances. Gasoline loves to burn and be careful with it, because it can really burn you. but it you have some out on the groung and toss a match all you will really get is a big woosh. Diesel and jet fuel are even less flamible to the point of if you trew a match into a pool of diesel it may just go out. Really the only things that explode violently are... explosives (C4, dynomite, ANFO).

Movie Exec1: "Everyone likes explosions in movies, but as producers how can we make more stuff explode"

Movie Exec2: "Maybe for the coarse of this movie we asume that everything is full of nitroglycerin"

Movie Exec1: "That works for me!"

Even less surprising is that there are 10s of thousands of people in the world whos only job is to make the things that you deal with safer and less likely to explode. The UL, National Safety Board, even the manufacturers really don't like it when their items explode and kill people.

And while we are on the subject:

Bullets do not ignite anything. Lead is typicaly known for its ability to hit things without sparking. That is why you may see lead hammers around. They are a soft metal that will deform when hit and will not spark. They do make incendiary bullets, but unless you woke up in the morning expecting to need to shoot some gas tanks to blow up a fuel depot, then you probably did not buy them... moving on.

Why do I always cut myself in such inconvenient places?

2008-03-26T14:38:00.001-07:00

Why do I always cut myself in such inconvenient places?

So I don not know if it is the fact that I am kind of klutzy and uncoordinated or that I am constantly working with potentially hazardous items, but I cut myself a fair amount. It is not new I have come to grips with it over the coarse of my life. Here is the thing though. Whenever I cut myself it is always in the least convenient place on my body. Ok the second least convenient place. I never cut myself on my arm or my chest. It is always a place that is impossible to put a band aid on, like a knuckle or the very tip of my finger. And then you have to try to manipulate the Band aid with your one good hand while fixing the other. Really the best you can hope for is to bang your shin on something. Then the only downside (besides the gaping wound) is that sooner or later you will have to rip the band aid off along with most of you leg hair.

Even after you have the baindaid on you still have the issue of do I really need to wash my hands (Yes you do), and now the bandaid is all wet (I bet I could have held it for a couple more hours). That must be the allure of "cutting" at least when you are done you have something easy to bandage and keep dry. You defiantly do not see any angsty kids with cuts on there knuckles. Or the absolute worst the flap of skin between the thumb and the rest of the hand. I guess the human body is not really designed to have a flat piece of plastic stuck on it, but @ least I do not work in food service where they have to put latex finger condoms over any cuts, now that truly would be tragic.

Anyway, here is how Ive come to cope. First put on your triple anti-biotic goo, that is key. Now if it on the knuckle it is oh so tempting to just wrap it around (concentrically). That is wrong. Then when you bend the knuckle it squeezes and generally sucks. If you wrap it around at an angle (helicticaly) then it can still flex but is not stretching against it self and there is noting on the bottom to squeeze. If it is on the finger tip you have to go over the top, and if it is on the thumb flap... Well then you are just screwed.

How Is McDonald's So Damn Fast

2008-03-13T10:05:00.000-07:00

How Is McDonald's So Damn Fast

(Why is Ronald McDonald so damn creepy)

So this morning on my way into work I decided to grab a breakfast sandwich at McDonald's on my way into work. The light at the intersection had just turned red as I turned into McDs. Amazingly they took my order, took my money, gave me change and gave me my sandwich all before the light changed and I beat the cars waiting at the light (suckers). Upon relaying my amazing story to Cara she informed me that she had gone to McDs for lunch and despite having 5 cars in front of her and a special order sandwich, was in and out of the drive through in less than 60 seconds.

Now I don't think that anyone is under the impression that McDonalds is going to provide them with a gourmet meal or even a fresh sandwich, but seriously there are certain laws of time and space that must apply. So the real question is what the hell is going on back there in the mysterious McDonalds kitchen. Aside from them using beef fat in their french fries and kangaroo meat in their hamburgers, both of which I am fine with.

I would like to think the secret is some sort of cross time communication system allowing them to communicate with customers in the near future and have their order ready before they even knew they wanted it. And by using this technology only for fast food purposes and not to save lives or win the lottery the time space continuum remains safe and Michale J Fox can still go "camping" with his high school girlfriend. Upon investigation my hopes were dashed to realize that it is in fact much less exciting, but still slightly exciting. It is basically a big assembly line churning out all of the components that will make your order uniform and identical, then once you get to the line they are (in a matter of seconds) assembled and bagged probably while you are fiddling with your wallet and change. Some of the more popular items are already made waiting for you to eat, but that is not all that exciting.

What is really interesting it what is holding up the process from going even faster, and the answer is you. You think you are pretty fast you know what you want you have your wallet out when you get to the window, but you are still the hold up. That is why they have 2 ordering lanes now and only 1 food lane. That's right it takes you twice as long to order as it does to do everything else. As far as all that fiddling with cash goes McDs would actually prefer you pay w/ credit card. It is faster so they do not have to worry about you holding up you line looking for a quarter, and they do not have to worry about their employees dealing with as much cash. In fact if you have a card with an embedded RFID tag you do not really have to interact with them at all, and really isn't that what you are going for.

But wait, there is one more thing, and this may just blow your mind. In the not so distant future your order may be taken over seas. So when you talk to the box your order will be sent around the world through the magic of "the Internet" punched into a computer and sent back around for someone to make it. Here I am paying someone in the US with a loose grasp of the English language minimum wage to take orders, when I could be paying someone in Jakarta with a loose grasp of the English language (Jakarta) Minimum wage to take the same order. Plus now they can take the place where the order takers used to stand and expand the bacteria lake, I mean ball pit.

So that is it there is really not any more time to shave unless the users can sped along somehow, I think Jesse Spano may have a speed hookup. But do not be deceived, this is not limited to McDonalds, although they have been pioneers. All manner of businesses will be trying to speed you out the door, grocery stores, gas stations, sit down restaurants, even retail stores. Because in reality the less time you are there the more schmos they can churn through the doors, and the more money they can make.

Thank you come again.

An open letter to TV

2008-02-13T12:16:00.000-08:00

An open letter to TV

TV,

I know that we have had some hard times recently. I know that we have both made some mistakes, but I am here in front of you this Valentines day asking you to take me back. I think we had something really special and I think we can have that again. I have said some things these past couple months, and I know I can take any of that back, but I also know you have it in your heart to forgive me. Remember all the good times we had. Remember the season of ER where Mark Green had cancer, we made it through that. Remember when Seinfield had to wear the puffy shirt, or when that prankster OJ pretended he couldn't fit his hand in that glove, or that time Janet Jackson flashed us all. We have had some good times, and I know that there are more good times where those came from.

I know that it has always bothered you when I have ignored some of the nice things that you have done for me, but I am telling you today that I can change. I have been watching lost since you have been gone and I am almost halfway through. If you came back today I know that you would see that I am a changed man. I will even try to overlook the things that you have done that you are not so proud of. I know that you were nieve when you gave Tyra a talk show, and that you were probably drunk when you let the last 4 seasons of the real world air (lord knows the cast was). It is easy to get caught up in the moment, and I am telling you now that they don't mean a thing, and I am not ashamed of you. I am willing to look at what you have done as a whole and not just your momentary indiscretions.

And I have something for you, not a bribe, just something to show you how much I appreciate you, no conditions. Its an external HD for your PVR. I hope that we can use it together to archive all of the memories that we will build in the future. All the good times that I know are to come if you just come back to me. Just think what could happen on How I Met Your Mother, or The Office, or Dexter. The possibilities are endless with the foundations we have built. Last time I watched 30 Rock I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. You have really opened my eyes to all sorts of interesting characters and to the intriguing stories.

Anyway, I am not going to dwell, I just wanted to drop you a note to let you know I miss you, and no matter what well always have the Sopranos.

John

And Cara just so you don't think I forgot about you I made you a mix micro SD chip w/ all of your favorite songs, and then a bunch of other crap. Thats right Dwight D Eisenhower marvel at our technology that allows us to put 100 old timey LP albums onto something the size of your dime. They actually have an 8GB micro SD now... Crazy. Anyway I ♥ U Cara and wish you a very merry V-day.

5 Misconceptions Perpetuated by Disney Movies

2008-02-06T15:13:00.000-08:00

5 Misconceptions Perpetuated by Disney Movies

1) You are not a Princess. I know your parents always told you that you were a princess. Well it turns out they were lying to you. The mere fact that you have been acting like a princess makes you... kind of self centered and precocious, and generally oblivious to the world around you. In fact if we were all princesses and princes, the world would kind of suck. There needs to be a balance of princesses, and subjects, and at last count that ratio was about 10,000,000:1. Additionally, as it were being a princess is not all taffeta and fairy godmothers, it probably involves a lot more pointless ceremonies and being hounded by the paparazzi. So in fact you have not even been acting like a princess, just kind of spoiled.

2) Midgets and woodland creatures do not want to be your friends. While it would certainly be cool, in reality coming up to either and talking in a cutesy voice will probably get you bitten at worst and head butted in the balls at best. I'm sure that midgets would make excellent friends. However, you should probably be weary if they are living in a cabin together working out of a diamond mine. My perception is that miners and loaners living in the woods might have something other than the best interests in mind for the young lady who wanders into their cabin. As for woodland creatures they mostly eat and sleep, they are not fond of humans, and I have yet to see any singing or helping with chores in a well choreographed manner.

3) You should probably get to know that handsome man before you get married. Sure he did just wake you from an endless sleep with the power of his kiss, but what do you really know about him. Do you have any common interests? Does he expect you to take his last name? How does he feel about kids or your pet raccoon? It seems like there is so much you don't know... but he sure is pretty... It seems like this is where mandatory marital counseling comes in. Because, as it turns out, a lot of the time those pretty boys are kind of dicks, and that is not really going to workout well with your princess lifestyle. And here is another blow to that commitment you make in the wake of this tumultuous time of your life, most relationships formed out of traumatic events do not last. Sorry to bring you down from the high of killing the evil witch and escaping the dragon. If you are in such a hurry to get together with this guy, may I at least suggest a vacation together, or the Amazing Race. That seems to be just the venue to test your questionable relationship in front of a television audience.

4) No one is going to magic away your problems. I have had a rough time or 2 in my life, and do you no what helped... Fairy Godmother, No, Magic Rug, No again, Wizard Pal, Sorry... Usually I just had to deal with it my self. It helps tremendously if you have friends around who can lend a thought or hand (♂) / sympathetic ear (♀), but in the end it is your responsibility to gird up your loins and muddle through your issues as best you can. Sometimes they will get better, sometimes they will get worse, but at least you will be in control, and really all that magic would have done for you is helped you out of a jam. If you had not learned anything from it you would never really grow up, never really learn anything. You would still be using magic to solve simple arithmetic, or to cook your food, or to transport yourself to work. Ok so that last one would be pretty cool.

5) There is no happily ever after. Happiness is fleeting, and life is filled with ups and downs. Without adversity you would never really know what happiness was, and even in happiness there is adversity. Yes, on the 2-dimentional screen it all seems pretty clear, but we humans are complex beings with deep desires and personalities built on tragic loss, and triumphant victory, deep sadness, and overwhelming joy. In the end happiness is fleeting, that is if you are sitting still it will move on without you, and if you aren't going after it, it will leave without you. Or maybe you are happy all the time, never tested with hardship or adversity, maybe you are the 2-dimentional character living happily ever after in your own world, in which case... I'm sorry you are a princess.

Observations on the Cold

2008-02-04T14:33:00.001-08:00

Observations on the Cold
by John Gutzmer

Did you know there is no such thing as "the cold"? Its true! There is heat and heat can be moved around, but there is always heat (baring scary laser experiments), and there is no opposite of heat. OK, OK, before you get your panties in a knot let me clarify. Cold is a perfectly acceptable adjective to describe something that is not hot, or how you feel, but it is not a noun unless it is something you catch from children and dispose of in a kleenex. You may disagree, that is fine as long as you realize you are wrong. In fact, it is talked about pretty regularly between Oct and Mar. Why? Because it sucks. So as long as we are on the subject here our my observations on "The Cold"

Why dont they plow our neighborhood? I think our neighbor pissed off the street dept.
I really think we are always the absolute last street to get plowed. Maybe I just have high expectations from when we used to live next to the Urbana Township shed and our street was always the first to get plowed, and the street sweeper went by twice a day. Lately it has even been days after the storm when the plows finally came. One of our neighbors used to work for the city, and is kindof a bitch. It is really entirely possible that she pissed someone off, and now there is some sort of long standing grudge. Fortunately enough people have pickups and SUVs that they carve some pretty substantial ruts in the road that I can follow.

Thunder sleet and ice fog have been the typical weather for the last few days. So who pissed off God? Because those are not normal things. Perhaps God was equally as bored with the super bowl and decided to stir things up a little. Or the X-Men are undergoing some covert opp in Central Illinois and Storm rolled in the crazy weather to cover things up. Whatever it was, when confronted with these again in the future here are some helpful hints. Perhaps ultra dense ice fog is not the best time to go for a jog, in shorts, Without Any Reflective Clothing, IN THE STREET. I know you are dedicated to running, but perhaps you could double up tomorrow, or go to the armory. Either way better than me almost taking out the entire Centenial HS Cross Country Team. You guys are welcome for me not killing you all.

Gutzmer's winter driving tips
1) Slow the fuck down. I know where ever you are from (SE Asia / Texas) you do not see much snow and ice. Welcome to Illinois. Just because it is crappy outside does not mean you are confined to your house. You can still make it to the grocery store or to pick up your kids, but you should probably plan double the time it normally takes and keep it slow. It should be easy every one else is doing it just follow them (not too closely).
2) Don't slow down. Yes that contradicts #1. Let me clarify. If you are going less than 5 it is a lot easier to get stuck in a deeper patch of snow than if you are going 20. Your car is heavy, and a little speed will give it enough momentum to get through those snowy spots, especially if your neighborhood for whatever reason is not getting plowed. On the other hand your car has a lot of momentum. If you are going more than 30 hopefully you are carefully evaluating the road conditions and what is around you that you are about to hit. Basically if you skid at 5 you will probably come to an immediate stop, 20 you will probably correct yourself or get stuck in a snowbank, 40 you will likely get at least one spin possibly hitting whatever is near by, 60 is anybody's game possibly flip your car and or hit something harder than you want to.
3) Stop driving in the middle of the road. I understand it looks like the safest place, but that only holds true if there is not someone barreling down on you. The lane lines may be blurred, but you know pretty much where you should be. If you are afraid of the snow you should not have come out.
4) If you are scared of the snow you should not have come out. Did you really need to anyway. Probably not. Really, if you don't have to go somewhere why are you. Save it for tomorrow, or whenever it becomes a necessity. The roads are only getting better, as long as there are not 50 jackasses tooling around for no reason.
5) If you have a big 4x4 truck, congratulations. All those months of 12-14MPG have finally paid off. This is it. This is your time to shine. Strap on that snow plow and get your ass over to my house to plow my driveway. I will even throw you some cash.

I hate shoveling, which as weird because for something I hate so much I sure do a hell of a lot of it. We have a modest sized driveway, and yet I always feel like some old man after I finish shoveling. More over that is usually only half of the driveway (I like to break it up). The real problem lies in the fact that our driveway faces due west. So regardless of how much snow accumulates our driveway always has a drift that piles against our garage door 3 times as deep as anywhere else. This last time I tried to put up a make shift snow fence to encourage the snow to drift somewhere else, but for once the snow was blowing a different direction so the jury is still out on that one. My other thoughts are a snow blower or salamander, but Cara does not seem to be too interested in either... Oh Well.

Ohhh, my freakin eyes are killing me. I put 12 Gal of water through our humidifier and I don't think it even made a dent. That's not counting all the breathing and the dryer. I might as well be living in the desert. I guess until spring I will go for the eyedrops and make the best of it. Oh and if you have an electric dryer you should definately get a dryer diverter from Menards. In the winter you can flip a little trap over and it pumps all that delightfully warm humid air into your house instead of out into the cold, and as an added bonus you are not sucking the cold air in from the outside to replace what you are blowing out. If you want to get really fancy they also have a water trap to catch any lint evasive enough to make it through you dryer.

Well, now that I am done complaining about the cold it is up to 42, and last night to round out the ridiculous weather thunder storms. At least everything has come full circle. On the bright side it should be back down in the 20s by the end of the week. So I may have one last chance for ice skating on the lake and using my ridiculous semi-truck telescoping ice scraper before spring. In fact there could be another ice storm or hail fog. Welcome to Central Illinois here are your ear muffs.

Superman Time Travel 5 Paragraph Rant

2008-01-23T09:09:00.000-08:00

Superman Time Travel 5 Paragraph Rant

Occasionally there are things that happen in movies that are so unbelievably ridiculous that one just wants to stand up in middle of the theater and say this is bull shit. I'm talking about the really egregious violations of reality, the crimes against physics, math, and common intuition. I am willing to let a lot slide, under the guise of science fiction (if superman can fly who knows what he can do), and I am willing to let even more go unchecked chalking it up to the poor production values of modern cinema (see honey I shrunk the kids). However, sometimes it just goes to far, takes too many liberties, and violates the very trust on which hundreds of years of cinema have been built. It is only for the inexcusable examples that I reserve the 5 Paragraph Rant.

In "Superman the Movie" we learn many things about Superman, including where he came from, his humble beginnings, his alter ego, and his ability to reverse time. While time travel is something that has been continually debated in the scientific world for many years, and even achieved for small particles in controlled environments, the time travel as illustrated in this example is not only physically impossible, but also holds several moral and cosmological ramifications, that superman's ill conceived actions wrought on the people of Earth and indeed the universe.

The science of science fiction has always been convoluted at best and completely inaccurate at worst, but there is a general agreement that the basic laws of the universe still exist. In addition to giving the audience a common frame of reference it also makes filming easier, as the filming presumably takes place in our universe. Building on the common universe are typically uncommon exceptions, that need no explanation. Excellent examples of these are Superman can fly, and shoot lasers out of his eyes. There is no explanation required except that it is a work of fiction. Now, at then end of the movie, Superman starts recklessly speeding around the Earth in order to reverse the direction of its spin. He is not actually touching the Earth. He is not really even in the atmosphere. In reality flying around the earth really quickly would probably do nothing at all and if it did to anything it would probably just disrupt the weather patterns and cause several hurricanes. Let's assume for a moment that whatever field that allows Superman to fly could be expanded to include the Earth, thus allowing him to directly influence its inertia without any direct interaction. Why not? Now as he speeds around the Earth it can change direction (irrevocably altering its orbit, the seasons and climate), but the trillions of gallons of water in the ocean keeps going in its initial direction. The massive tsunami would wash over entire continents killing billions. Fortunately, Lois Lane is in the desert in NV, so she will probably be spared. Well, clearly that did not happen in the movie so we will assume that Superman anticipated all of these problems as well as the massive sheer forces that would cause unparalleled earthquakes and volcanic eruptions, and also anticipated the problems with the Earths magnetic field. Presumably Superman would have solved all of these problems with something unimportant to the plot, possibly the speed with which Issac Newton was spinning in his grave counteracted these other issues. It is after all science fiction, which brings us to...

Time travel has been dealt with extensively in science fiction as well as in the various disciplines of cosmology and particle physics. There are two exciting prospects for time travel. First, because of the curvature of space it is theoretical possible that "tunnels" in space could exist, and with some relativistic gravitational magic one end of the wormhole could be in the past. On the bright side it would also be some where very far away (billions of light years), and it is likely that going through the wormhole would rip you into carne asada later to be sold to Taco Bell... But in the past". The other option involves particle physics and it turns out is pretty boring. Of course with all of the physics and discussion about time travel one thing is universally agreed upon by scientist and Delorian owner alike. Reversing the spin of the Earth will have absolutely no effect on the progression of time locally or universally... NONE. In fact the very idea that doing anything to the Earth will change the nature of time is so egocentric that it should make one angry that it is even considered in the movie. In fact in 1992 (late 1992) even the pontiff agreed that the earth is not the center of the universe. So why reversing the spin of the Earth would cause time to reverse, is such and infuriating question that any further discussion may just cause my head to explode. Which brings us to...

The moral implications of reversing time, are a deep and troubling question indeed. Who knows what effects going back even 20 min, and changing history could have. Will the change spawn a new universe parallel but flawed just enough that it will eventually spiral into destruction. Perhaps the change will put a irreversible tear in the time space continuum destined to doom us all. The reality of it is that no one knows what potentially horrible pitfalls lie in the unknown field of time travel. So what great injustice necessitated the potentially disastrous reversal of time. HIS GIRLFRIEND DIED! While, sad for him, this is certainly no grounds for upending time and space, no less for your own personal gain. As long as time was reversed he could have prevented any one of a number of genocides or horrible injustices, but I guess he was too busy pulling some rocks off of his girlfriend. The true injustice is that no one really liked Lois Lane. She was kind of whiny, overeager, and always seems to be getting in trouble, but in death she could have been the great motivation for the man of steel to help humanity. In death she could have been the depth and anguish that this one dimensional character was missing. However in life she pretty much goes right back to her generally unlikable self except Superman uses his magic kisses (roofies) to erase her memory.

In conclusion, this is one of the most ridiculous abuses of science and one of the most egregious abuses of a super power in recent memory. Even the bad guys abuse there power on a grander scale worthy of super villain status. This is an entirely unnecessary sequence in which we learn that superman is nothing more than a child when it comes to accepting and morning the loss of a loved one. Unfortunately, due to the strange rays of our yellow sun, he is able to traverse time, lift up tectonic plates (yep that is in there too), and erase peoples memory by kissing them. This grants him the opportunity to turn any tale of trial and loss into a picture perfect Disney ending that will leave our children unprepared for their future, but that is another rant.

Folding Laundry

2008-01-16T09:47:00.000-08:00

Folding Laundry

(Why has technology failed me yet again)

We've really come along way in the last 100 years of clothes washing. It may surprise you to know that as recently as 50 years ago people were washing clothes by hand, BY HAND. and 100 years ago people were still using lakes and streams. Yet like most technology there has been an enormous amount of innovation in the last 10 - 15 years. Front load high efficiency washers with soil sensors that know how dirty your clothes are. Driers, static cling sheets, fabric softener, magic stain erasing pens. So why is it that on a Wed night I am standing in front of a mountain of clothes that completely covers my dresser 3 ft deep, and is dangerously close to losing its epic battle with gravity and avalanche downward destroying the towns people below as in so many disaster movies (no actual towns people were killed in the writing of this article).

Sure if I would have been dutifully folding, after each load of laundry, I would not be faced with this momentous task, but like so many of you, I AM LAZY. So now I have a couple hours of folding to do not to mention the putting away, and I am asking myself, Why is there not some machine that can fold laundry. We have machines to fold everything else from paper to steel. How did laundry miss out on the folding revolution. And as I continued folding I pondered the drawbacks to laundry folding and how humanity might concur them.

First, there is the columnating. The big pile is not exactly conducive to just dumping in a machine with spinning wheels and gears that would no doubt rip to shreds my already deteriorating circa 1991 Vaurnet T-shirt. This could go 2 ways. The easiest solution is to say you would have to flatten and stack your own clothes. Once they are stacked feed them into the machine and you will be presented with a neat pile of folded clothes. That could work but really whats the point. Why am I compromising with this machine. I thought we were in charge of the machines (except the terminator, if there are any terminators reading, All hail the machine overlords / please don't kill me).

We will have to work on the columnating. Perhaps some sort of progressing stretching and flattening system. I'm sure that would be great for all of Cara's delicates.

As I continue folding it occurs to me that not all clothes are created equal. OK all of my clothes are pretty much the same, basic T-shirt with different length arms and different thickness maybe a button at the top. However, once I've picked the low hanging fruit from the laundry pile, the socks and undershirts, sweatshirts and jeans, I come to Cara's shirts. Each one with its own unique characteristics that make it more difficult to fold than the last. This one has a 24in neck. That one has bell bottom arms. This one appears to be made out of some sort of paper mache'. (perhaps that is why she does not look like she just rolled out of bed wearing the same thing she had on yesterday, maybe in a different color). As the folding becomes more challenging, culminating with her puffy vest that I equate to trying to fold a marshmallow, I realize no machine could handle this diversity. It would either need some fantastic AI, or more likely a fold your own damn weird laundry chute (labeled as such). In fairness perhaps she did not want some of those folded in the first place.

This brings us to the final obstacle, sorting the clothes. While it would be awesome, even if the folder could spit out shirt after shirt perfectly folded and pressed, they would still be in a big random pile. If you are like me, and I hope you are, you put your clothes away in some sort of orderly groupings T-shirts, sweat shirts, Bill Cosby sweaters, there has to be some order to your closet or how can there be order in the universe. And the perfectly folded random pile will require almost as much work to sort and organize as the folding. This is where the collator comes in. Photo copiers have been collating for years. It should not be a giant leap to collate my clothes. sort them by thickness for me, by color for Cara, even by length. Better yet if it collated them into a rack you would not even have to put them away. You could just pull them from the collating rack where they would sit neatly folded until you walked up and pulled your zuba pants from the pile right where you left them. Now if I can just get a machine to dress me, that would be an accomplishment.

Outsourcing Comedy

2008-01-10T12:25:00.000-08:00

Outsourcing Comedy

(The Next British Invasion)

Well I am about sick of the writers strike, and I am not taking sides, but (OK I am taking sides, just give the writers some more $$$ so I can watch 30 Rock, anyway) we are going to have to learn to cope with this new bland lifeless existence without anything good to watch. But wait... there is another, This may be just the chance the British have been looking for to get us to start watching their shows. What if there was a show that was just like the office, but british. What is that... The Office is a remake of a British sitcom... the hell you say. Maybe there is a new hope on the horizon. The UK is a bleak dreary land where the sun rarely shines and it is always cold and rainy, so what better to do than become a comedy writer. It is kind of like Canada, but with crappier food.

So aside from the office what do they have that might interest you? Well, if you are an HBO fan you have probably already seen Extras, which is the hilarious quasi biographical creation of Ricky Gervais (The Office guy). Then there are the movies. I first watched Shaun of the Dead a couple of years ago. I was apprehensive at first, but as it turns out the British are funny, and we both have the same taste in drinks and comedy... Dry. It is about the best dry zombie comedy you will find.

What else?.. Well, after I enjoyed Shawn of the Dead so much pretty much everyone I know started telling me that I would love "Hot Fuzz". I was initially very apprehensive of the name. It really sounded like it might be a poorly made gay porn at best or a movie adaptation of Reno911 at worst. It turned out to be hilarious. The first 20 minutes did not seem to have a single joke, and yet I was laughing the whole time. It turns out that the British have this whole dry wit thing down to a science, and it is not the horrible british humor that you used to know, with police man chasing a goose around... OK it does have that, but it is funny this time I swear.

So where am I going with all of this.

Here's the thing remember 15 years ago when Japanese cars started coming on the market, and no one though they would sell, because what self respecting American would drive a "Toyota". Remember 5 years ago when no one thought they would have the nerve to move call centers to India because no one would understand them. Well guess what network executives and Hollywood producers. If you are not willing to bring a quality product to the market, there is someone else who will, and they have been tyring to find something besides wool to sell us for years. What you are not worried because they have no means of distribution. Well this should be exciting news for you. There is this think called the internet now, and even if you don't have the internet my TV gets 700 channels, I don't' know what half of them are, but I am sure there is one of them that would love to pick up an edgy new English comedy. In these tumultuous times of writer strikes and globalization England may be the saviour of entertainment. Do you realize how many new reality shows are coming out each season(≈10), and how many of them suck (90%). So, while the big 4 networks (yes I count ABC) battle it out to see who can churn out the most crappy new reality TV series this season, Britain will still be working to create new and interesting shows. These shows will be purchased by HBO or Showtime and sold to me. In the mean time writers are on strike because they are getting paid $0.00 to provide a service to their employers (internet content), and the 9th season of americas top model is just getting underway. I guess we will have to look to England to find something creative for us to sit in our underwear and stare blankly at. I guess that will make us even for that whole WWII thing

28 Days Trilogy Review

2008-01-02T10:35:00.000-08:00

28 Days Trilogy

(A Mixed Review)

The 28 Days trilogy is a rollercoster of gorey sometimes emotional zombie killing and rehab.
The original 28days took place primarily in the pre-zombie world looking at one woman's struggle with alcholism and addiction while going through a court mandated rehab program, and while there is not specific mention of zombies, the main character is clearly slipping deeper and deeper into the grips of the zombie virus, as she slowly spirals toward the inevitable... complete zombification. Sandra Bullock's performance as a mindless Zombie is surprisingly belivable. More so in fact than than many of her other roles. Her acting portrays the cold lifeless zombie mentality more than many others I have seen. It was defiantly easier to believe her as a zombie than as an FBI agent or someone capable of driving a bus. In the end zombie Sandra Bullock accepts that she has a problem and is released from the facility. This is the first of many teeth clenching moments of dramatic irony in the trilogy, when it would have been so easy to stop the spread of the zombie virus. But alas, Sandra Bullock is allowed to roam free and the stage for the second movie is set.

28 Days Later picks up the story as the Sandra Bullock Zombie virus has been mutated in monkeys for study. The mutated virus takes effect very quickly compared to the painful 103 minutes that it took in the original it now just takes about 15 Seconds. In addition the new virus, instead of causing its victims to crave alcohol, causes them to crave delicious delicious brains. The PETA crusaders in their infinite wisdom, and after being warned that these were zombie monkeys (important for the trial), release the monkeys who promptly bite the PETA crusaders, turning them into PETA crusader zombies (just when you thought there was nothing worse).

Now the zombie action can start, and the are not the slow listless zombies of yester year. They are fast. Some of them can even run without falling down all the time. So we meet our protagonist who meets up w/ the zombie resistance (2 people) and later with a really creepy British family. Of coarse that may be just a normal British family. Some of them get killed and eventually find the military hold outs in some sort of a castle. Now for the weird part... Yes the zombies were not the weird part. The military guys are keeping a zombie as a pet, and ... They plan to repopulate the world by raping these girls. Which brings us to our fist lesson. One, zombies don't make good pets, and two no one likes a rapist, even zombies. So the zombie pet escapes and pretty much kills them all with about as much gore and eye gouging as the rapists deserved from the morally conservative zombies. The protagonist and 2 girls escape and are eventually rescued by... lets say the Americans (Flying circa 1965 jets). On the bright side it appears that the virus with its very short incubation rate has been confined to England. Now as long as we nuke the whole island and never speak of it again all should be right with the world. Right?

28 Weeks later is where I start getting angry. Again this is a whole new cast. Presumably because no one from 28 days later was willing to go back to zombie infested England. Yes that's right the premise of this movie is that they are going back to recolonize england and clean up the zombie carcases. More good news the zombie threat level is low enough to start bringing families in. now despite being explicitly told not to go into the zombie zone 2 kids really want their game boy or something and decide to go back to their old house. The easily sneak by the military guards and retrieve their things... and their mom. The mom is only partially zombified and instead of just shooting the lot of them (I grant no quarter to zombie sympathizers) they bring them all back to the safe zone. surprise 15 min later zombies are on the loose again. fortunately this time the military is everywhere. Snipers and ground troops take out a lot of the zombies, and then, the smartest thing anyone has done, the OIC decides to napalm the whole area including civilians. Some of the military personnel are shocked, but really when you are dealing with a zombie infection that could spread throughout the world you should not take any chances. A sniper and doctor find the son of the zombie mom and realize that he too is partially immune. The then in possibly the worst decision ever decide that they must get this kid out of the zombie area for study. Bypassing all quarantine and reason they convince a helicopter pilot to take them directly to France. Thus completing the cycle of stupidity and infecting all of Eurasia. At least Paris was the first to go, I assume they surrendered peacefully.

Over all I would give the trilogy a B-, with each movie getting slightly better than the previous one. Perhaps "Another 28 months later" will be B+ worthy. An aside on zombies, If you are in the military and faced with a nationwide zombie attack. you should really give everyone you can a gun. I have yet to see a zombie use a gun. so you can continue killing zombies until you get zombified and then the gun is basically taken out of service. That should really be made into some roadside gunssavelives.com signs that I keep seeing.

"When zombies attack"

"You'll know what to pack"

"A Colt 44"

"Means Zombies no more"

"www.Gunssavelives.com"

TV Chores

2007-12-20T08:41:00.000-08:00

TV Chores

Well its Monday night so I guess it is time to do the chores. Take out the trash, load the dishwasher, throw in a load of laundry, oh and watch Heroes. Yeah, I know I know it seems like you just watched Heroes, but there is another one, a new one, and you have already invested so much time you can't quit now. Don't get me wrong I used to love Heroes back when it was all about people discovering their cool new powers and using them to prevent a catastrophe in a fast paced (sometime edge of your chair) thrill ride. Every episode left you wondering what will happen next, @ least for me.

This season they have tried to really delve deeper into the characters personalities. As it turned out, I didn't care. Then there are the new characters, who quite frankly, are lame. Each one with a power and matching accent that is more infuriating than the one before. Ability to kill people with your eyes = subtitled Spanish, Indestructible morally questionable samurai = Somehow British (PS stop ripping off other peoples powers), Quick learner = worst Cajun accent I have ever heard, Electricity = Ditzy Veronica Mars (way to break that typecast). As far as I can see none of these powers, with the exception of the rehashed indestructible cheerleader, are any better than a good old fashioned handgun. Sure shooting lightening is pretty cool, but is it really any more deadly than actually shooting someone. At least the gun lets you pinpoint who you kill which is much better than the evil black contact lenses that just kill whoever happens to be around. Plus, the gun does not talk which is much better than listening to your horrible impersonation of what impoverished black people from New Orleans sound like, or worse subtitles.

Which brings me to... Reading. Don't get me wrong I love reading, and surprisngly I read a fair amount. Articles, magazines, technical papers, Humerous blogs, occasionally even a novel, but when I am watching tv I would prefer if the would just tell me what they are saying. I know that NBC is sneakily trying to work spanish into all of there shows to glean some market share from our hispanic population, but why all the other stuff. Japanese, Hatian, Jibberish, It's just so much reading, which at the very least, is distracting from whats happening on screne.

I guess there is not much you can do. It happens to all of my favorite shows eventually part of the slow decline in any shows lifespan going from groundbreaking to intresting, to lackluster, to boring / repeditive, to canceled. Hey remember ER wasn't that a great show. What it is still on... Huh. What about Lost? Is anybody still really intrested in that? And the 4400, that was a good one. Some decline more quickly than others, but the end is all the same. At least the Sopranos went out in a blaze of glory, not really at the top of their game but while I was still intrested. Some shows you may continue watching long past their prime just out of a sense of commitment or nostalga, but sooner or later you realize that your favorite show is just a shell of its former self, withering slowly like your favorite grandparent. Now it is more of a chore to watch it than anything else, and like your chores you try to put it off (DVR), and try to avoid it, but it is not going to watch it self. So sit you butt down and watch your shows, or no dessert. Thats right you heard me.

Screwed

2007-12-17T12:16:00.001-08:00

Screwed

Why do people insist on continuing to make flat head (slotted) screws. These have to be the most infuriating outdated piece of technology since the home telephone (oh you still have one of those... Sorry). So clearly no one would ever buy these on purpose although the do still sell them, but what is most upsetting is that they are included in whatever new fixture or accessories you buy. To make matters worse they are usually some unique size or shape that could never be duplicated with another type of head configuration even if you wanted to put out the effort.

So what is so horrible about the slotted screw? Well, first of all there is nothing to hold the driver in the screw. Even if you have a regular screwdriver you have maybe 2 good turns until you slide out the side, probably scraping you knuckles in the process. Second, in the same motion you have probably ripped off half of the metal of the screw. Now you have a decision to make. Either you back the screw out and start over, or you lean into it and try to power it in there knowing that if you do manage to get ti all the way in it will be left as a mangled razor sharp piece of steel destined to cut you whenever you come within 10 feet of it. And that is just what you can do with a screw driver. Remember that 18V hammer drill you finally convinced your wife you needed. Well throw that into the equation and you have a situation that can only possible end with you swearing and asking where the band-aids are. If you are lucky as the screw was simultaneously destroyed and drill flew off in some direction, probably gouging whatever you were working on or your hand, the screw made it most of the way in.

So whats better? Virtually everything. Since virtually all screws today are manufactured with cold forming any one of a myriad of head types are possible, and all are better than the slotted screw. What more is THEY ALL COST THE SAME AMOUNT TO MAKE. So for the same price as that crap ass slotted screw you could have had a #2 Phillips that everyone has a bit for (it came w/ your drill) and everybody likes. Of you could have had a T25 Torx, an awesome driver guaranteed (by me) not to cam out. You can literally drive a 3in T25 wood screw all the way through a pressure treated 4x4 and out the other side. Or at the very least how about something to please everyone. The combination head will let you use a common slotted driver or a Philips driver. Why would you not at the very least make one of these.

So why do these horrible devil screw keep ending up in my life? I don't know. Maybe there is some huge warehouse of them somewhere and the cannot seem to get rid of them all. Maybe there is an older VP somewhere who thinks they build character. Maybe that same VP only owns a flat head screwdriver and damn if he is going to change. Whatever the reason, there is little sign of them leaving my life so aside from complaining there is little I can do. I guess now is the time in my life when I should start working my way up the ladder at the screw factory so that someday there will be no more slotted screws and the world will be a safer place for my children. Of course by that time everything will be held together with "ultra glue" and there will be no need for such silly things as screws.

I ♥ GOOGLE

2007-12-13T08:46:00.000-08:00

I ♥ GOOGLE

So how is it possible that google is so freakin awesome? It seems that anytime I am going to do something I find out that there is already a google app to do it for me.

First of all gmail is awesome. I had to do something on my wife's Yahoo account the other day and I thought I was going to have a seizure. I was instantly accosted with pop ups, flashing adds, and side bar adds that defiantly border on inappropriate. Not that google doesn't have any adds they are just presented in a different way. Instead of trying to sell me something I don't want or "trick" me into visiting their site (no you will not win a free iPod), it is like they are trying to help me out w/ suggestions of things I might like. eg: I have several emails about SCBA, and gmail puts some small text adds for breathing apparatus in the side bar. I have an email about a pasta dinner, and gmail gives me some adds for pasta sauce and recipes. I would be worried about google stalking me, reading my email and looking over my shoulder, but I am comforted by the sheer volume of email. So yes the google Master Control Program (see Tron) is stalking you but it is also stalking everyone else and in all likeliness no human eyes will ever lay eyes on your email confirming your Penile enlargement procedure, but I'm sure google will still suggest several penile enlargement alternatives. Google does not want you to jump into anything uninformed.

So what about space? Well, I'm glad you asked. I am currently using 4% of 5.7GB. That may not mean much to you,but consider this. I have not ever deleted anything... sure a spam or two, but if you ever sent me something it is in there, and I am still at 4%. How about this, my work email for which the company pays enormous amounts of money gives me 100MB, and it sucks.
Gmail is 100% searchable with the google search engine that you know and love. My work email is 100% not serchable. So why wouldn't corporations just switch over to gmail? THEY CAN. In fact they can even use their own domain name for emails and chats, and whats more if they use the standard version... ITS FREE.

Did I mention there is an integrated chat program that doesn't suck. It's true, It's True. Gmail chat can either pop little chat windows into your gmail window or you can pop them out to their own window or you can use the standalone gmail chat window, and wait for it... It saves all of your chats with your mails so if someone gave you a phone # on im some time its still there in your saved chats you can go and find and and you can even seach them just like you can with your emails. If you want to chat w/ out the MCP watching (see above) you can turn it off. How great is that?

Whats better is you do not have to install anything. In fact you do not have to install anything for any of the google apps they all run conveniently from your browser (that think you are using to read this blog). That means that you can use it on any computer anywhere, and no fancy ports to configure with your firewall, no versions to upgrade, no unwanted addons that try to slipstream into the installs. Just what you want quick and easy.

Why doesn't everyone use it?
I don't know
...
It was a rhetorical question
Oh.

Oh an they have a blog service too, in fact you are reading it right now, and it is surprisingly easy to set up, and it all uses your same credentials, and it is surprisingly easy to add content, and...

Well it is clear that this is not going to all fit into 1 entry (or should not), but I thought it only fair that this should be the first entry since google did give me the blog. Lets rename this one:
I ♥ GOOGLE (1 of 5)

That should give me some time to rant about some other things before revisiting my man-crush on google services, though, this does seem like a pretty good start.

Oh, one more thing.
ITS FREE!
All of it, the maps, the chats, the mail , the blog, the web space all free. All they ask in return is your love, and if it wouldn't kill you, you could click on one of those adds once in a while.